5 Things That Should Piss You Off
My very own listicle, which is an actual word, but clearly shouldn't be...
As I once pointed out in a fairly brilliant cartoon if I do say so myself (and I just did) the people at the top of just about any company you care to name will encourage their employees to “think outside the box” and then put them in a cubicle to do it.
If I knew where that cartoon was, I’d post it, but I don’t and it’s not worth digging through all the crap that’s underneath my basement stairs to find it, even if the cartoon’s there and I don’t think it is because I’m pretty sure I gave it away to someone who worked in a cubicle and needed a laugh.
Anyway…
Since creativity and originality are so highly prized in journalism (just ask us and we’ll tell you), I find it interesting that so many articles are now being written using the same format. Just the other day I got an email from the AARP and here are a few of the articles I was encouraged to read and I’m not making any of these up:
10 Social Security Myths Exposed
5 Germs in the Swimming Pool That Can Make You Sick
4 Hidden Treasures in Your Safe-Deposit Box
7 Things to Do After 50 for a Healthier Brain
5 Tips to Prep Your Grill for a Sizzling Season of Meals
12 Tips for Sunglasses…and Buys Under 80!
Clearly, the person who wrote the article about sunglasses is wildly inventive because he or she thought outside the box and used an exclamation point, the punctuation that tells you something is incredibly exciting when all the words that came before it didn’t.
As you might have noticed, there’s a certain repetitiveness to those AARP articles and just in case you think it’s an AARP-Old-Person Thing, here’s a list of the list of articles that I found under just one news article on CNN’s website:
6 Credit Cards You Should Not Ignore
7 Mistakes Comfortable Retirees Know to Avoid
15 Housedresses for Comfortably Lounging Around in Style
3 Ways Your Cat Asks for Help
45 Hair Shapes That Make a Woman Over 60 Look 40
40 Brilliant Life Hacks Nobody Told You About
20 Products Under $20 That Help Organize Your Kitchen
25 Wedding Gifts That Couples Actually Want
7 Retirement Income Strategies Once Your Portfolio Reaches $500k
Top 3 Reasons Why Investing in Gold is Better Than Bitcoin
The 17 Best Men’s Watches Under $150
40 Old Iconic Cars That Are Dropping in Value
Once again, I’m still not making any of this up although I was tempted to drop in at least one verse from The Twelve Days of Christmas to see if you’ve nodded off.
Nevertheless…
If making lists is the newest, hippest “Thinking Outside the Box” way to write an article, I don’t want to get left behind, so here’s my list of “5 Things That Should Piss You Off” and we’ll start with:
1. Listicles
I didn’t know there was a name for these kinds of articles, but there is and it’s “listicles” and here’s an explanation I found on the internet explaining why theoretically innovative people are all doing the same thing:
Listicles are popular because they require minimal effort. Everyone is busy and no one has time to read. Content that is too long will immediately turn off readers. Listicles are short and sweet—exactly what works well online.
Which makes it sound like they’re writing them because they require minimal effort from the reader, but they fail to mention listicles also require minimal effort from the writer.
You don’t have to weave a story together and figure out how to make one thing flow into the next, just write a random paragraph, put a number in front of it and move on to the next item in your article. For instance:
1. Summer hot spots
2. Hitler!
Are they connected? Who cares? They’re part of a list and 2 follows 1 so I think my literary work is done here.
2. Revenge dumps
I wanted to watch a CNN video, but before I could do that I had to watch an ad and this one was for some kind of rotating, robotic, 21st Century cat litter box from outer space that makes sure your cat always has fresh litter to crap on and apparently that’s really important because if your cat gets pissed off at you, he/she/it might take a “revenge dump” on your new blouse and once again I didn’t make that last part up.
“Revenge dump” was actually a part of the ad and they said it out loud and everything, so I think we should all add it to our vocabularies immediately because I’m pretty sure it will come in handy.
Which brings up a question:
Why in the world would anyone own a pet that expressed its displeasure by shitting on something you like? At least dogs have enough character to look kind of embarrassed when they take a dump and you’re watching. Would you date someone who expressed their displeasure by shitting on you?
And now that I’ve written that sentence, I think we can file it under “Ask A Foolish Question” because past experience indicates the answer in many cases is yes, so maybe it’s better to have a cat-sized shit on your blouse than a person-sized shit on your soul.
My bad.
3. Donald Trump…again
Apparently, Donald Trump has been telling people (and by “people” I'm pretty sure I mean a variety of Mar-a-Lago caddies, pool boys and cocktail waitresses) he expects to be “reinstated” as president by August, which Vanity Fair says indicates Trump expects some sort of coup, which former National Security Advisor and current Nut Job Michael Flynn said “should” happen before Flynn realized someone made a video of him supporting the overthrow of the government.
And Trump supporters wonder why I still consider their hero cartoon material?
I’d say you can’t make this stuff up, but with Donald Trump around, you don’t have to.
4. Sidney Powell
Sidney (Just-A-Bit-Too-Crazy-To-Hang-Out-With-Rudy-Giuliani) Powell supports the idea that it’s possible to “reinstate” Donald Trump because he got cheated in the election, which is interesting because part of her defense in her defamation lawsuit (she’s getting sued by Dominion Voting Systems for making false claims about the election) is that no reasonable person would have believed her false claims about the election.
Claims she doesn’t mind making when she’s not in a courtroom.
Worth remembering:
You can say any kind of crazy shit you want until you’re under oath and then lying out your ass is perjury. Which pretty much explains why all Trump’s election fraud claims fell apart once they got into a courtroom and people had to testify under oath.
On the other hand: that crazy shit you said when not under oath can still get you sued. Turns out, being a liar is complicated.
And on the ever-growing List of Stuff You Shouldn’t Believe: on May 31st someone on Facebook posted the news that Dominion lost their defamation lawsuits against Powell and Giuliani, a post that was shared over 1,000 times, but has the teensy, weensy flaw of being completely untrue.
According to a June 2nd, USA TODAY story, those lawsuits have yet to be resolved,
5. Republican Hypocrisy
And finally we get to the cartoon at the top of this post: Senator Josh Hawley (whose picture has yet to appear next to the dictionary definition of the word “weasel”…but it’s only a matter of time, I mean just take a look…)
…explained his vote to declassify intelligence on the origins of the COVID-19 virus like this:
“I think it’s time that the American people got to decide for themselves.”
Which is interesting coming from a Republican, because generally speaking they don’t believe the American people should get decide to for themselves when it comes to:
Abortion
Marijuana
Sexual partners
Marriage
Voting
Forming a union
You name it.
And as the cartoon points out, the “Let the American People See the Evidence and Decide for Themselves” Republicans blocked a commission to examine the causes and repercussions of the Capitol riot.
So in conclusion all I can say is next time there’s an election and you go into a voting booth and decide how to cast your ballot, you might consider taking a revenge dump.
(See? I told you it would come in handy.)
Damn. This is so good.