A Heads-Up

Don't say I didn't warn you...

As Regular and Constipated Readers can tell you, I don’t mind using clichés because clichés are great visual shorthand and with about three seconds of your attention (someone did a study on how long people look at political cartoons) I need to produce cartoons that are quickly comprehended. So clichés are a handy way to set up an understandable situation and my only requirement for using one is trying to figure out a new twist on an old cliché.

Like the outgoing Old Year warning the incoming New Year about some flaming assholes and bad ideas he’ll have to deal with.

Which I wish someone had done for me at some early point in my life and whenever I watch movies about Time Machines, the protagonist is always going back to warn Abraham Lincoln to skip the play that night or JFK to avoid convertibles in Dallas or Leonardo DiCaprio not to get on the Titanic, but if Leo gets on the Titanic anyway, to avoid getting emotionally involved with Kate Winslet because she isn’t going to scoot over and share space on her floating door, she’s just going to make small talk and let Leo freeze and drown and whenever I’m talking to someone on the phone and they say, “I’m going to let you go” – like they’re doing me a favor – I picture them as that selfish bee-yotch Kate Winslet.

So where was I?

Right…Time Machines and warning people and if they invent one before I die, I plan to go back to the late 1960s and warn the 15-year-old me not to be such a self-centered jerk and to think about other people and their feelings every once in a while, but while I’m back there in 1968 I have a few other items on my Things The 15-Year-Old Me Might Want To Pay Attention To In The Near Future List.

Like…

If Six Beers Make You Feel Good, 12 Beers Won’t Make You Feel Twice As Good

The Law of Diminishing Returns states that while something might be effective at first the more you do it the less effective it becomes (so be careful how often you tell someone you love them) and then it not only becomes less effective, it starts to become harmful, so the idea should be to hit a pleasurable level and then work at maintaining it (in my experience, about a Two-Beer Buzz) because that’s as good as it’s going to get and if you try to make it even better, it’ll actually get worse.

Avoid the Cutting Edge of Fashion

Over the years I made some disastrous fashion decisions and right here I’m thinking about my pair of hot pink, bellbottom overalls worn with a paisley shirt and platform shoes which at the time I wore them were the Cutting Edge of Fashion and the problem with being on the Cutting Edge of Fashion is it’s a good way to eventually need stitches.

Trust me, if this guy lives long enough, someday he’s going to see this picture and ask himself: “What the hell was I thinking?”

If you need attention that bad, maybe think about developing a personality instead and remember good talkers are a dime a dozen; good listeners are worth their weight in hot pink overalls.

People Don’t Change All That Much

Now that I think about it, that subhead might be wrong, some people change a lot, but they rarely change the way we want them to.

Or maybe it’s that people don’t change, but as they get older, start revealing who they actually were all along and clearly I don’t have a handle on this, but either way it’s a bad idea to try to criticize or bully someone into being what you want them to be because they’re still going to be who they really are underneath some thick layers of resentment and suppressing your emotions is a good way to develop eating disorders and control issues or shoot up a post office.

Bottom line:

Don’t buy a Volkswagen and think you can nag it into being a Mercedes.

Don’t Try To Make Other People Happy

There are people who are A. Unhappy or B. Dissatisfied or C. Bored or D. All Of The Above and will expect you to do something about their problems and you can try, but in my experience it never works because if you solve problem A. they’ll briskly move on to problem B., C. and/or D. because now they’ve got someone running around trying to solve their problems and deal with their endless series of complaints which is like trying to catch all the water that comes over Niagara Falls in a coffee cup and thank God my 99-year-old mother’s vision is failing so she can’t read this blog or she might realize who I’m writing about.

And if you know my mom and read this, don’t tell her what I wrote or I’ll have to deal with Problem E. and I’ve clearly got enough on my plate already.

Develop the Super Power of Indifference

Despite Social Media’s insistence that you have to have an opinion on everything – the Chiefs’ Super Bowl chances, whether Ozzy Osbourne should be in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, or decide if Miller Lite tastes great or is less filling (actually it’s neither, it tastes like shit and 12-ounces of liquid is still 12-ounces of liquid) – it’s good to realize you don’t have to care about a wide variety of topics and/or people and, as I’ve quoted before, some character in a book whose title I’ve forgotten once said:

“I’m comfortable not thinking about that.”

And finally…

All Things Must Pass

As George Harrison reminded us, whether you’re going through a bad time or a good time, realizing it’s temporary can help you hang on until things get better or pay attention and appreciate the good thing that’s happening to you:

It’s also helpful advice if you accidentally swallow your gum.

In my opinion this is a so-so cartoon because I sincerely doubt Jimmy Carter arrived in Heaven and an angel presented him with a Home Depot tool belt so he could keep building houses, but people seem to like these Famous Person Arrives In Heaven cartoons and when someone dies I don’t think it’s the right time for me say:

“Yeah, odds are, dying is a lot more like someone pulling the plug on your TV set.”

That would be way too much like the time President Trump told a seven-year-old girl her belief in Santa Claus was “marginal.”

Plus, along with everybody else who has ever lived, I don’t know for sure what happens when we die (I haven’t seen a credible scouting report) which is why I consider myself an agnostic and not an atheist and I’m kinda hedging my bets on that one because if I do unexpectedly appear before Heaven’s Board of Admissions at least I can point at cartoons like this one and hope it mitigates all the other Horrible Things I Said.

And despite being a long-time member of the First Southern Church of Overbearing Christians my mom is a horrible Heavenly Salesperson because when you ask her what she thinks Heaven will be like, she’ll tell you we’ll get to sit at the feet of Jesus and sing His Praises All Day which sounds pretty fucking boring after about 20 minutes, much less for All Eternity and makes you wonder what dicked-up thing happened to Jesus in high school (the Bible skips those formative teenage years, probably because few of us behave well during them) that made Him so damn insecure that He needs our constant praise.

(And now I have to hope that along with my mom, Heaven’s Board of Admissions doesn’t read blogs.)

To me, the most impressive thing about this cartoon might be that I dated it 2025 first go because I usually spend about two weeks writing the wrong date on cartoons and checks and for those of you young enough to ask “What’s a check?” it was a piece of paper that promised at some future date it could be exchanged for other pieces of paper that we’ve all agreed are worth something so it’s not nearly as efficient or logical as providing your credit card numbers to complete strangers so they can root around in your personal Scrooge McDuck money bin and only take the amount of money they promised you they’d take, cross their hearts, hope to die, stick a thousand needles in their eye.

Which unfortunately, is a fairly accurate description of how modern commerce is conducted these days.

Anyway…

I was thinking about New Year Resolutions and Fresh Starts and resolving to do better in the coming year and then thought, oh wait, we’re about to go through another Trump Presidency, so fuck all that because over-eating and alcohol might be the only way we’re going to get through it.

And on that cheery note, have a nice weekend.

http://kingfeatures.com/comics/editorial-cartoons-a-z/