A politically incorrect essay about Australians, new profanity and old vaccinations

One of the pleasures (and dangers) of not having an editor looking over my shoulder and telling me I can’t make jokes or do lengthy digressions or use the occasional profanity, is being able to write about subjects a newspaper wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole.

If I had an editor he (and/or possibly she) would probably edit that first sentence and tell me “10-foot person of Polish descent” would be more politically correct and if you think that’s a silly exaggeration about editorial persnicketiness let me tell you about the time I wrote about the Kansas City Royals playing a spring training game in “Peoria” and an editor changed it to “Peoria, Illinois” because it was our style to identify the state on first mention of a city even when that city isn’t actually in the state being identified.

Note to the geographically impaired:

The Royals’ spring training site is in Surprise, Arizona so an away game in Peoria, Illinois would be a quite a road trip, especially since they travel by bus in spring training and you might think that would have occurred to the editor in question, but obviously it didn’t.

After that incident I pointed out that I had no trouble making mistakes on my own and didn’t need an editor’s help in that particular area. But that’s what you get when you mindlessly follow rules and I’ve found that mindlessly breaking rules is much more fun, so here goes:

Whether we like it or not, some things are funnier when said with certain accents.

Now let’s take a stroll through the minefield I’ve just created: as a society we have decided that imitating some accents is racist while imitating other accents is still OK.

For example…

Imaginary editor’s note:

At this point Lee attempted a lengthy digression about which accents are OK to imitate and who can imitate them, but it quickly got complicated and possibly racist because it didn’t take long before he was talking about Amos ‘n’ Andy and Monty Python’s Communist Quiz Show sketch and an imitation of Mao Zedong and it all seemed unnecessary because all he really wanted to say is Australian accents crack him up and he’s not sure why, so on the advice of our completely imaginary legal department we have decided to delete that part of his essay and before I go I just want to say anybody could have made that Peoria, Illinois mistake and I really wish he’d quite whining about it.

And now back to our previously scheduled diatribe…

So there you have it; a complete and brilliantly-reasoned guide to which accents you can imitate and why it’s OK and which accents you can’t imitate and why it’s not OK and the only other piece of writing in the English language that even comes close is the Gettysburg Address and my essay is slightly better because you didn’t have to read it off the back of an envelope.

Moving on.

A friend of mine suggested I watch “Rake” an Australian TV series on Netflix and it didn’t take long to get hooked.

The main character is Cleaver Greene, a sleazy lawyer (a description that might be redundant…your call) addicted to gambling, alcohol and (when he can get it) cocaine and is hated by the legal establishment because he’ll take any case to finance his habits and turns trials into circuses that make everybody look bad, including the time he defended a guy who had sex with a dog by arguing that consent wasn’t necessary because horses don’t consent to being ridden or cows to being eaten or cats to becoming pets, so why insist on canine consent before having sex with a Rottweiler?

Plus, the Rottweiler in question was wagging his tail, had an erection and looked happy to be involved in a 3-way and I better stop there before I give away any more plot lines.

Cleaver is constantly having conflicts because he can’t let even the smallest stupid act go unchallenged and here’s a short clip showing what happens when he gets asked for his name in an empty coffee shop:

Now imagine that encounter in the bland, Midwest-I-Could-Be-From-Anywhere-Accent newscasters adopt so they can go from working in Bumfuck, Oklahoma to Frozenballs, Maine and tell me it would be as funny and you won’t because it wouldn’t.

I recently discovered that American television tried to do a version of Rake, but from the description of that failed attempt it sounds like they tried to do it without the profanity and dark humor, which seems just a tiny bit like buying a stud bull, cutting off his balls and then wondering why none of your cows are pregnant.   

Also: the American version wouldn’t have Australian accents.

For whatever reason I find things said with an Australian accent funny, which reminds me of ex-Royal and current Australian Peter Moylan pretending to order a sausage roll in his most incomprehensible Australian accent and making me and Drew Butera laugh until we cried.

I must not be alone in finding Australian accents entertaining because there were three Crocodile Dundee movies and apparently Paul Hogan turned down the chance to do more.

I also find Australian insults inventive and here’s a short list I found on the internet:

• Bludger (someone who’s lazy)

• Bogan (someone who’s not very sophisticated)

• Budgie Smugglers (Speedo swimsuits, which isn’t an actual insult, but too funny not to include)

• Dag (a nerd)

• Drongo (a fool)

• Galah ( a stupid person)

• Hoon (a bad driver)

• Rack off (get lost)

• Up yourself (stuck up)

And after watching five seasons of Rake I’m happy to report my new favorite profanity is (drum roll please):

“Fuckwit.”

Which, according to the Urban Dictionary is Australian in origin and is defined like this:

“A person who is not only lacking in clue, but apparently unable or unwilling to acquire clue even when handed it on a plate in generous portions.”

And now some politics

All this stuff about accents and insults came to mind when I read that millions of COVID-19 vaccine doses are about to hit their use-by date because so many people aren’t interested in getting vaccinated during a pandemic.

Which sucks because some countries can’t get enough vaccine doses and the guys in lab coats are worried that new COVID-19 variants might set off another round of social distancing and economic shutdowns, which the unvaccinated people will complain about even though they caused it.

Whether they intended to or not, authorities gave a pretty good idea of what they think of these people by the incentives they’re offering to encourage them to get vaccinated:

• Cash prizes

• Beer

• Marijuana

• Hunting rifles

And what could possibly do wrong with that combination?

I got that right out of an Associated Press story which makes me wonder when we stopped putting people in jail for smoking marijuana and started handing it out as a door prize, but it does seem to be one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind and if weed doesn’t do the trick, maybe we could throw in some hand grenades and LSD.

Anyway…

Enjoy your new profanity and you might want to use it before imitating Australian accents becomes politically incorrect and we’re no longer allowed to call unvaccinated people “bloody fuckwits.”

And now it’s time for me to do some hard yakka on my lappy whilst having a coldie and some lollies, so g’day mate.

(And if I used any of that incorrectly, I beg Peter Moylan’s forgiveness.)