An Embarrassment of Riches

Some days you can't find one cartoon idea, some days there are way too many...

When you’re a political cartoonist the first thing you do each and every morning is pick up a newspaper and look at websites and try to find news items that provide cartoon material. Some days not much happens and those are the days stories about wandering bears or fist fights at Little League baseball games or Velveeta-infused chocolate truffles (which clearly shouldn’t be a thing, but is) dominate the news.

BTW: the only good thing about “Velveeta-infused chocolate truffles” is the use of the word “infused” instead of “stuffed” because anytime anyone anywhere uses the word “infused” you know you’re dealing with a pretentious asshole. (Wait…I just used the word “infused” so maybe now is a good time to move on before you realize what that means.)

So some days nothing much happens and some days way too much happens at once.

Like Donald Trump losing a sexual abuse lawsuit and Tucker Carlson saying he’s coming back with a show on Twitter (which I didn’t know is possible because it kinda seems like listening to music on your toaster) and George Santos being charged with embezzling money from his campaign, falsely receiving unemployment funds and lying to Congress about his finances.

I managed to work Santos and Tucker into the same cartoon and now that I think about it, maybe I should have gone for a triple play and included Trump as another co-host.

Disney got sideways with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis after Disney’s CEO spoke out against the education bill that critics called the “Don’t Say Gay” law which limits discussion of sexual orientation and gender identity in Florida schools.

(Because the best possible education is one in which you ignore inconvenient issues like racism or exploitation of the working class or anyone who doesn’t agree with your White-Man-On-Top-Get-It-Over-With-Quick sexual policy. I kinda thought the whole point of education was being exposed to new ideas, an attitude that helps explain my lack of offers to teach Sunday School.)

And from what I’ve read, Disney’s CEO only said something after his staff at Disney World –which is one of the largest employers in Florida – demanded the company take a stance.

Now here’s a tip from someone who has watched people screw up and drawn cartoons about those screw ups since the late 1970s:

When people say something you don’t like, you can just ignore it and let the issue die for lack of oxygen. The smartest people say they haven’t read the comments yet and don’t have anything to say right now (which has the benefit of implying they’ll have something to say in the future, even though they won’t) and count on the media having the attention span of a house fly with a meth addiction and finding something else to write about.

Or…

You can do what Ron DeSantis did and get state lawmakers to revoke Disney’s special tax status. Turns out Disney then outmaneuvered DeSantis with some arcane legal language that includes a reference to the last surviving descendant of King Charles III – and I didn’t make that up – which pretty much allowed Disney to keep operating as usual and if you want to read more about how Disney pulled a fast one, here you go:

https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/florida-desantis-disney-dispute

Since DeSantis is at this point considered the only guy with a chance of beating Donald Trump for the Republican presidential nomination, I thought it was worth asking people to imagine him dealing with Vladimir Putin because he’s currently in a pissing match with a cartoon mouse…

And losing.

According to CNBC, who seemed to be quoting the BBC or maybe the CIA or the NBA, King Charles the III’s coronation cost up to $125 million, but it sounds like nobody knows for sure because the Royal Family didn’t want to talk about it.

Also…

According to another estimate – which may or may not involve the flipping of coins and/or throwing of darts – the coronation will cost the U.K. another 1.36 billion pounds (and I just looked it up and a pound is worth $1.26 so you do the math because my calculator doesn’t go that high) in lost productivity because apparently everybody in the United Kingdom was planning on taking a day off from making Range Rovers and Jaguars and other really cool-looking British cars that have a history of being unreliable.

If those James Bond movies were actually realistic, 007 would spend a fair amount of time having his Aston Martin worked on by MI 6 mechanics.

Google “Are Aston Martins” and before you can finish writing your question Google will suggest “Are Aston Martins reliable?” so you know a lot of people have asked the same question and the first article that appeared said they’re not reliable and parts are expensive and hard to find and repairs take weeks so getting your ejector seat replaced would be a huge pain in the ass.

“Hey, I’d like to go match wits with Goldfinger, but I’m waiting for my new front-grill machine guns to come in.”

And as long as we’re on the subject of unrealistic James Bond movies…

My mom needed two bathrooms remodeled and that work has been going on for over a year because apparently contractors join the Foreign Legion or get abducted by aliens or decide to enter the priesthood and don’t show up when they’re supposed to, so if it’s that’s hard to get a couple bathrooms remodeled I really don’t see how it’s possible to get contractors to build a missile silo inside a fake volcano in time for the big showdown with 007.

I mean the logistics are insane.

Plus then you’d have carpenters and plumbers going to the local pub after work and complaining about Ernst Stavro Blofeld – “You can’t believe what this bloody idiot wants us to do” – so once they finished the job, you’d have to eliminate all the workers which would probably hurt your chances of hiring more contractors to build your next project: a mountaintop lair with a torture chamber in the basement where you keep your laser beam used for cutting trespassers in half.

Apparently those projects are possible, but repairing my mom’s bathroom sink isn’t.

Anyway…

Not to be outdone in the Pulling-Numbers-Directly- Out-Of-Our-Ass Department, the British government estimated that the coronation would bring in millions for businesses and the hospitality industry.

So remember that maneuver next time your significant other complains about some money you spent: just make up a larger amount that justifies your spending.

“Yes, I bought a brand new Ping G430 LST Driver for $579, but that will keep me on the golf course which will save us money because I was planning on losing two grand at the casino.”

According to the Washington Post, the Biden administration would officially end the COVID public health emergency on May 11^th, but as the cartoon indicates, our other public health emergency rages on.

OK, that’s it for now because it’s time for me read some more news and produce some cartoons that are “infused” with political wisdom.

http://kingfeatures.com/comics/editorial-cartoons-a-z/