Baseball is Back, but They Changed the Rules – Part 1

A look at the Universal DH, Fascist home runs and lazy ballplayers…

Despite what you may have read in the print edition of Friday’s Kansas City Star, the owners and players reached agreement on a new Collective Bargaining Agreement and the baseball lockout has ended and the reason the print edition of the Friday Star didn’t have the latest information is the paper is now printed in Nome, Alaska and delivered by dog sled, mushing along the Iditarod Trail, which means the deadline for Friday morning paper’s was sometime last January.

An explanation which might involve some exaggeration (the Kansas City Star is actually printed in Des Moines, Iowa) but the principle (the farther away the printing plant, the earlier the deadline) is essentially correct.

In any case…

I heard the news about the baseball lockout ending on Thursday night and tuned into the MLB channel to hear what they had to say about it and the panel of three current number nerds and one former ballplayer (Billy Ripken, whose video breakdowns of baseball fundamentals are excellent) was very excited by what I consider front-office and financial issues, but they didn’t talk all that much about rule changes that will affect what we see on the field despite the fact that an on-screen graphic describing the agreement listed: “Universal DH.”

In the two segments I watched, the panel never mentioned this huge change in the way the game will be played.

Which is what you get when 3/4ths of your panel would rather talk about exciting stuff like the luxury tax ceiling and that happens because a lot of number nerds would rather be General Manager of the Chattanooga Lookouts than play centerfield for the New York Yankees.

And now that I have that off my chest…

The Universal DH

The people who run baseball pay lip service to “Baseball Tradition” and “The Integrity of the Game,” but in reality are willing to change the rules and screw around with baseball tradition anytime it suits them. So what are the rules changes and how will they affect what we see on the field?

We’ll start with the Universal Designated Hitter.

Which means the DH will now be used in the National League which Baseball Purists used to believe was the better league precisely because it made pitchers hit as God intended because most of the time the rest of us could use the laughs and if you don’t believe me watch this video:

One of the best things about baseball is when something goofy happens everybody laughs, including the umpires, which you can’t say about the NFL because they don’t have umpires and also because everybody is so goddamn serious they all look they just got served divorce papers.

Traditionally, players have wanted the DH used in both leagues because Designated Hitters tend to make a lot of money and it provides a spot for guys who can still hit, but can’t run, catch or throw, a situation that occurs fairly often because, according to players, hitting is the last skill they lose.

And if you still don’t believe me, ask Luke Appling.

OK, Luke died in 1991, so you’ll have a tough time asking him anything, but it doesn’t change my point.

Just in case you didn’t watch the video: in 1982 Luke Appling hit a home run off Warren Spahn in the Cracker Jack Old-Timers Classic All-Star game and Luke was 75 years-old at the time and could still hit a home run, but took an hour-and-a-half to run around the bases. (Do I have to keep alerting you to the parts where I exaggerate or can you figure them out on your own?)

Using the DH in the National League will allow some aging stars to play a few more years and you might ask what’s wrong with that, but it will change the game and for Baseball Purists it won’t make the game better.

Discussing strategy (which is a polite way of saying “arguing about just how big an idiot your favorite team’s manager actually is”) has always been one of the things that makes baseball great and the Universal DH takes a lot of strategy out of the game.

Pitchers no longer have to think about working around the 8-hole hitter to get to the pitcher’s spot or, if there are already two outs, going right after the 8-hole hitter so the pitcher leads off the next inning and managers no longer have to think about double switches or pulling a pitcher who’s throwing well when he’s scheduled to come to the plate with runners in scoring position.

Arguing about strategy is one of those baseball traditions we talked about, but the people who run the game think fans don’t care about any of that ticky-tacky “small ball” stuff like bunts and steals and hit and runs (y’know…the dumb stuff they did when baseball was still popular) and just want to see as many home runs as possible.

Home runs are great in moderation, but after a guy hits one the moment is over and we’re just watching someone jog around the bases as opposed to a rally that requires several players to work together and builds tension while it’s happening so in my opinion a sport that has nothing but home runs is like a pornographic film that has nothing but “money shots” and if don’t know what those are you either need to Google it or watch more pornography and figure it out on your own.

Cut straight to the “run-scoring money shot” (which clearly ought to be a new statistical category) and we never get to experience the story’s narrative arc and the tension that builds when a bored girl, a plumber, a pizza delivery man and a guy who came to clean the swimming pool, meet and discover just how much they have in common.

And now that I write that down, it might be the worst baseball metaphor in the history of baseball metaphors so let’s start over and this time we’ll go with Crash Davis telling Nuke LaLoosh to quit trying to strike everybody out:

And just in case you didn’t watch that video either, here’s what Crash says:

“Strikeouts are boring. Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls. It's more democratic.”

Groundballs allow everybody to play which is a lot more interesting, which was Crash’s point and anytime you’re disagreeing with Crash Davis about Baseball you need to question yourself and your Life Philosophy, so I think it’s only fair to extend His logic and say home runs are also fascist.

Trying to hit home runs every time someone comes to the plate is exactly what’s made baseball boring and we don’t need more of them; we need pitchers doing goofy shit because it’s way more entertaining than a guy who is willing to strike out 200 times a year as long as he hits 30 homers.

No defensive shifts

I couldn’t find a story that describes exactly what the new shift rule means, but let’s go with the idea that two infielders have to be between first and second base and two infielders have to be between second and third base just like Moses described in one of the 10 Commandments.

(I’m not sure which Commandment demands this because I lost interest after I was told I couldn’t covet my neighbor’s wife or his donkey which is a pretty weird combination of things to avoid coveting and I think I’d like to take a good look at what must be a very sexy donkey before I agree to anything.)

Ask ballplayers and some of them will tell you that when faced with a shift, some guys just can’t hit the ball to the opposite field, which is the side of the infield that’s about as populated as certain parts of Alaska.

(And to make that joke, I googled “what state has the least dense population” because I knew it definitely wasn’t Missouri because we sent Josh Hawley to the Senate which makes my state the answer if you ask “what state has the most dense population.”)

But other ballplayers say it’s entirely possible to learn to hit the ball to the opposite field and point to Kansas City Royal Mike Moustakas who learned to do it after he hit .212 against defensive shifts and didn’t want to go back to wherever they send .212 hitters, so Mike worked on going the other way to take advantage of the shifts he’d face and next season hit .284.

(In this picture you can tell Moose just hit the ball to the opposite field because he’s watching that hit.)

But some players just don’t want to have to learn to bunt or hit to the opposite field so they changed the rules so those guys don’t have to work at something that makes them uncomfortable and as long as they’re changing rules to make players more comfortable I’d really appreciate it if they’d also make it illegal for pitchers to throw harder than 70 miles an hour which would mean I’d still have a shot at the Big Leagues.

On the other hand…

If I ever got a hit, then I’d have to run and I know I can’t do that anymore and now that I think about it, maybe hitting that home run is what killed Luke Appling nine years later.

OK, that’s it for today because there were just too many rule changes to describe adequately as long as I insist on adding jokes about Alaska, the 10 Commandments and pornographic “money shots” – and clearly I do – so next time we’ll talk about pitch clocks, larger bases, nine-inning doubleheaders, 12 teams in the playoffs, no runner on second base to start extra innings and players wearing advertisements on their jerseys and helmets, an innovation which shows you exactly how much the people who run baseball respect tradition when they see a chance to make a buck.

Talk to you soon.