Cash or Credit?

When Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem was testifying before a Congressional committee and asked to define the concept of habeas corpus (Latin for “Hey, is that a goddamn corpse on my new rug?”) she said it was: “a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country and suspend their rights.”

Unfortunately for Kristi, Senator Maggie Hassan – a Democrat, and even worse, a former lawyer – said “That’s incorrect” and added, “Five dollars down and the questioning goes to Kitty Carlisle.”

OK, that’s a dated reference to a very old TV game show back when five dollars was a big deal (you could buy 100 candy bars and develop type 2 diabetes for five bucks) and it was so far back people still recognized Kitty Carlisle.

Left to right: that’s Tom Poston, Kitty Carlisle, Orson Bean and in the back row is what appears to be a serial killer.

Kitty Carlisle was a regular panelist on To Tell the Truth and Kitty was a household name as long as your household was really really boring and watched prime time game shows for entertainment which ours was and did. Kitty always seemed to have an enormous stick wedged up her ass – the kind of woman who would announce “No tongues!” right before you kissed her – which made her the perfect role model for women in the 1950s who thought “going all the way” was heavy petting above the waste.

(I’m not making this up: I meant to write “waist” but in one of those Freudian slips that he probably liked to wear under his tweed suit, I instead wrote “waste” possibly because that’s what I considered the body parts that weren’t being used to their fullest extent in the 1950s. Yes, they had a Baby Boom, but I don’t think they had much fun doing it and sexual encounters started with women saying, “Well, let’s get this over with, I’ve got furniture to polish.”)

And of course I stole “No tongues!” from Mel Brooks, one of the funniest men to ever live and the line was delivered by Madeline Kahn, one of the funniest women to ever live, in the movie Young Frankenstein one of the funniest movies ever made and here’s Pain in the Ass Madeline saying goodbye to Gene Wilder:

Anyway…

Senator Hassan then informed The Secretary of Homeland Security (who should know this already) habeas corpus was actually the legal principle that requires the government to provide a public reason for detaining and imprisoning people and then added (Senator Hassan actually said this part, not like my BS about Kitty Carlisle) habeas corpus is: “the foundational right that separates free societies like America from police states like North Korea.”

To which Noem responded: “Oh, so that’s why President Trump wants to get rid of it.”

OK, Kristi Noem didn’t actually say that either and if it makes it any easier, from here on in, just assume anything witty and/or funny is made up and anything dumber than a bag of hammers with a learning disability was said by Kristi Noem.

On more than one occasion I have wondered if the people who voted for a second helping of Donald Trump are getting what they wanted.

Did they really want a trade war or higher prices or people grabbed off the street and sent to foreign prisons without hearings or Elon Musk firing people or social media influencers advising the president or a guy with a drinking problem accidentally sending military plans to family members or RFK Jr. taking the fluoride out of our drinking water and doing his level best to bring back measles or the president auctioning off access to the White House or colleges being told what they can teach to students or a pissing contest with Canada or an invasion of Greenland or the suspension of due process and the possible suspension of habeas corpus or (fill-in-the-blank with the outrage of your choice) and if they did, they’re certainly getting what they voted for.

But as the cartoon points out, the cost of a Second Trump Administration has been a high one and eventually we’re going to get a Big Beautiful Bill that our national credit card might not cover.

In any case…

The above cartoon took a lot of time (crowd scenes are the worst) so give me a break when I think of one that doesn’t take a lot of time, like this one:

And the fact that the Royals were playing a day game the day I drew it had absolutely nothing to do with me drawing a simple, quick cartoon and if you buy that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you even though a Mexican ship just put a dent in it.

Come to think of it, that simple Kristi Noem cartoon was also drawn when the Royals had a day game and if you’re thinking “How unprofessional!” I beg to differ.

In the Ernest Hemingway short story Fifty Grand, the protagonist – welterweight champion boxer Jack Brennan – has agreed to lose a fight (FanDuel might have been involved) and decides to bet fifty grand on his opponent, but still has a chance to win in the 12^th round and decides to make sure he loses by punching his opponent below the belt…twice.

Afterwards, Jack says: “It’s funny how fast you can think when it means that much money.”

So instead of calling me “unprofessional” (which you didn’t actually do, but for the purposes of this essay I’m going to continue pretending you did) I think you should appreciate just how professional you have to be to come up with quick cartoons whenever the Royals have a day game.

So Donald Trump announces that he’s going to put import tariffs on pretty much everything imported and in response Walmart says their prices will go up – who could have seen that coming – and Trump says Walmart shouldn’t raise their prices and needs to “eat the tariffs” (three guesses what Walmart would like to see Trump eat…and the first two don’t count) and people who actually paid attention in their Economics 101 class said all this was predictable.

Trump insisted that foreign countries would pay the cost of his tariffs, but economists said it wouldn’t work that way: if foreign goods cost more, business would raise their prices and American consumers would get the bill.

When you live in a bubble where everybody is afraid to say no to your face, you might think you can dictate prices to Walmart or tell Canadians they’re going to become Americans or announce cartographers need to change their maps and start referring to the Gulf of America or tell Greenland we’re their new owners and if you want to see just how well dictating to other countries works out, head south and take a good long gander at the border wall Mexico didn’t build or pay for.

And now back to a more difficult cartoon.

First off, this cartoon reminded me of the limitations of my profession: political cartoons are great at expressing one thought at a time, but suck at expressing anything more complicated.

Like…

• Criticizing the Israeli government doesn’t make you antisemitic, just like criticizing the U.S. government doesn’t make you un-American.

• It’s tough to fight terrorists without collateral damage when the terrorists attack and then hide among civilians.

But as I pointed out in a previous essay, I have spent my life thinking of the Israelis as the Good Guys because of things like Black September Day and The Raid on Entebbe, but recent events in Gaza have them accused of genocide and war crimes and college students who didn’t grow up thinking of the Israelis as the Good Guys now think they’re the Bad Guys, possibly because they’ve never heard of Black September Day or The Raid on Entebbe and if they did, would think they were bands appearing with Vampire Weekend and Death Cab for Cutie.

Now here’s that previous article which points out the US was OK with around one million civilian casualties during WW2 because when we do it those casualties are unavoidable, but when Israel does it those casualties are war crimes:

BTW: Israel became a state in 1948 and lots of people think that was unfair because they took land from somebody else, but you don’t hear nearly so much complaining about the roughly three dozen other new countries formed between 1945 and 1960 or the 34 new countries recognized by the United Nations in the past 40 years.

Countries are constantly changing and reforming and there are always losers and winners and I’m sure Donald Trump will explain this more fully to the citizens of Canada after it becomes our 51^st state.

Now here’s another essay about the antisemitism and racism that we generally try to hide, but comes to the surface whenever ever we get an excuse:

Just in case you didn’t read this essay either: the premise was based on the idea that a lot of us remain racist and sexist and antisemitic, but we’ve learned to hide it until we get an excuse to let all that bad stuff out and Donald Trump has made things worse because he’s saying it’s OK to be a shitty person.

“Hey, if the President of the United States makes fun of disabled people, why can’t I?”

Today’s Lesson

Kristi Noem is a blockhead, the Royals schedule dictates how much time I spend on a cartoon and just because Our President is a giant D-Bag doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to follow his example.

Have a nice weekend.

http://kingfeatures.com/comics/editorial-cartoons-a-z/