In a stunning surprise to – let’s check the figures here – absolutely no one, Donald Trump was once again acquitted in one of his impeachment trials, which he has on average every two years.
Despite some members of the media portraying this latest impeachment trial as a nail-biting event everyone needed to pay attention to (mostly because members of the media need readers and viewers) pretty much everybody who could count to 17 knew this legal apocalypse would prove to be underwhelming.
Kinda like when the world was going to end when we hit the year 2000 because all our computers wouldn’t recognize “00” as a legitimate year and would quit working and planes would fall from the sky and your 401k would disappear and you would no longer be able to watch free porn on your laptop and I’d rank the those events in the order of their importance to me personally, but on the advice of my lawyer I’m going to plead the fifth.
(Speaking of fifths: what does it mean when the whiskey you’re drinking is so cheap it eats the enamel off your coffee cup? Get back to me on that because I may have a situation brewing. The solution appears to be either A. Buy better quality whiskey or B. Just get another coffee cup.)
Moving on.
The difficulty of getting 17 Republican senators to vote to convict Donald Trump was amply demonstrated when Sen. Roy Blunt (a guy who swore to be an impartial juror) referred to Donald Trump’s legal team as “our side.”
A glaring mental mistake, not because Roy admitted he was prejudiced which everybody already knew, but because U.S. Senators take a solemn oath to not say anything completely honest during their term of office.
Expect Senator Overly-Blunt’s impeachment any day now.
Speaking of which…
Hiding behind the Constitution
After Trump was acquitted a number of Republican senators tried to have it both ways:
Yes, Donald Trump incited the Capitol riot, but…
The U.S. Constitution would not allow them to vote guilty.
And you know just how much those guys revere the U.S. Constitution unless it’s Donald Trump setting it on fire and putting the burning document through a paper shredder, in which case 43 Republican senators would lend him a match.
Mitch McConnell, showing more flexibility than Olga Korbut (and what does it say about me that Olga’s is the one gymnast name I can pull out of my ass on short notice and she hasn’t made much news since 1972?) blamed Trump for the riot — talking about Mitch, not Olga — but said his hands were tied and maybe Trump should be tried in a criminal court instead.
Summing up Mitch’s position just in case you missed it first time we drove past:
We don’t care if you crucify Trump because it would solve a lot of our problems, but if you do crucify him don’t blame us. Senator Pontius Pilate from the great state of Judaea concurred.
Porn star wisdom
As Linda Lovelace so wisely said, “Follow the money.”
On second thought, I might be mixing up my 1970s movies and Deep Throat references just the tiniest little bit, but Linda’s point remains valid; if you want to understand something, figure out where the money is going.
I watch CNN and I’m pretty liberal on most issues (hell, I could give Karl Marx a run for his money on some of them), but I can see why the play-acting the CNN people do makes conservatives throw up just a little bit in the back of their mouths and I assume the Fox News people do the same thing, but I don’t watch Fox News because I’m pretty sure the play-acting they do would make me throw up in the front of my mouth and don’t want to find out for sure.
Anyway…
The CNN people pretend to be absolutely mystified as to what hold Donald Trump has over the Republican party and then one of them mentioned that since Trump wasn’t going to be burned at the stake after all, a Republican politician went to Mar-a-Lago to kiss and make up because he was hoping to get access to Trump’s donor list.
And if the politician couldn’t get access to Trump’s donors list, at least maybe Trump wouldn’t turn his army of Willing-to-Storm-the-Capitol-for-Our-Fuehrer followers against him next time the politician runs for office.
Attempting to understand peoples’ motivation reminds me of a politically-incorrect story about a friend of mine who went to a strip club, got drunk (although I’m not completely sure if it happened in that order) fell temporarily, but deeply in love with a stripper who had breast implants the size of Voit basketballs and when he approached the stage and said, “You’re so beautiful, why would you do that to yourself?”
She leaned over, stared into his eyes and said, “For the money, you idiot.”
So if you want to understand why politicians behave the way they do, it turns out you can’t do much better than listening to porn stars and strippers.
(I’m just now realizing today’s offering seems to be overly-populated with references to pornography and strippers and my only excuse is: it’s been a long winter. Currently 10 below with a windshield factor of -31 and I think however I get through this mess is my business and I should be OK as long as my laptop keeps working and my paint-thinner quality whiskey holds out, but thanks for asking.)
Income inequality
Speaking of people and their motivation, last week I read an article about polls and why people like Nate Silver completely missed the Trump phenomena or phenomenon (and apparently I don’t care enough to look up which word is correct) and it showed a chart that correlated income inequality with a tendency to vote for Trump in the 2016 primaries.
It was done by state and the more income inequality a state had, the more likely those state’s voters were to vote for Trump. Probably because Trump positioned himself as an “outsider” and that appealed to people who were getting screwed by the system and enough people get screwed by the system to elect Trump once and get 74 million votes second time around.
On the other hand…
For a lot of those voters “the system” includes things like “math” and “science” which obviously have a liberal bias and Fox News will tell you so.
Brace yourself
Now that Trump avoided conviction he announced his movement “has only just begun” although I’m not 100 percent sure if he meant politics or the inevitable results of his latest trough-feeding at McDonald’s. For more informed opinions, check your local porn star or stripper and I’m sure they’ll be able to explain it better than any of the people on CNN or Fox News.
Returning to where we started: if Trump gets impeached every two years and he doesn’t have to actually be in office for it to happen, we all have something to look forward to in 2023.
In the meantime, stay warm.
I must admit to a bit of speed reading to get to the porn star wisdom - so much more honest than anything from politicians, CNN or FOX - and speaking of polls... perhaps a little pole dancing could replace the poll dancing for entertainment. At least if we're going to watch, let's have some fun with it all. Make sure your new coffee cup is not enamel.