The cartoon you just looked at was inspired by a CNN video in which a “body language expert” looked at footage from Trump/Putin summit and interpreted what she saw and what she saw was at the beginning of the summit they looked happier than they did at the end which I’m pretty sure a sensitive third-grader would have noticed as well.
Turns out, body language is not an exact science—much like phrenology, astrology and baseball analytics—and while it would be extremely helpful if we could look at someone’s facial expressions and say he’s a serial killer with an interest in model airplanes and dance club music, unfortunately there is no universal code of behavior and according to Popular Science having a body language expert interpret a politician’s gestures is “more entertainment than science” and having viewed the video I gotta say it really wasn’t all that fucking entertaining.
Which I don’t think you can say about my interpretation of Trump’s body language.
According to some other “expert” I read somewhere else—and right now I can’t remember whom or wherem—Putin got everything he wanted:
1. Recognition as a World Leader instead of a War Criminal and…
2. More time to wear Ukraine down and make them say “uncle” and give him Boardwalk and Park Place.
Trump got jackshit unless you count another opportunity to look like Putin’s overweight and fawning manservant.
Which brings up the question: are there chickservants?
I’m guessing there are and they probably have their own category on Pornhub.
Without evidence (AKA: “Par For the Course”) Trump said mail-in ballots were responsible for him losing the 2020 election which is totally untrue because Donald Trump was responsible for Donald Trump losing the 2020 election and then he added another scoop to his bullshit parfait and said the United States was the only country who used mail-in ballots.
According to the Socialists at CNN, dozens of other countries use mail-in ballots including the semi-United Kingdom, Germany, Switzerland, Australia and Canada. (That last country really needs some kind of border wall.)
Trump said he was going to sign an executive order to help end mail-in ballots which according to our seldom-used Constitution he can’t do: only Congress can override state laws on voting, but sensing a chance at a Talking-Through-Your-Hat-Trick, Trump said states were:
“Merely an agent for the Federal Government in counting and tabulating votes. They must do what the Federal Government, as represented by the President of the United States, tells them.”
Trump seems to think President = King and I’d say someone needs to straighten him out, but considering the courageous politicians we have in Congress who have no intention of ever standing up to Trump, maybe I’m the one who needs the situation explained to him.
And speaking of World Leaders who think they can do anything they feel like doing…
The Next Two Weeks
Just in case you’re one of the hundreds of readers who have decided they’d rather not read the serialized-book about the 2015 Kansas City Royals I’ve been posting on the internet, you probably missed my announcement that tomorrow morning I’m flying to California to be with my mom on her 100th birthday.
Man, 100th birthdays don’t come along every year which is probably a good thing because if my mom is any example, turning 100 is no walk in the park.
Assuming you can still walk.
Whoever said “gather ye rosebuds while ye may” forgot to add “because before you know it you’ll have shitty eyesight and can’t see the rosebuds or bend over without the help of two grandkids and an industrial crane and you probably won’t feel like going outside anyway.”
OK, just looked it up and that gather ye rosebuds line was written by Robert Herrick and it’s from a poem called To The Virgins, To Make Much of Time which—when you substitute “sex” for “rosebuds”—means Bob was saying, hey we’re all going to die so maybe we should do the horizontal bop while we still can and since he was saying it specifically to virgins it kinda, sorta makes Bob sound like the Jeffrey Epstein of the early 1600s and if you’re a descendent of Bob’s and resent me saying that, have your lawyers call my lawyers which you’ll be able to do once I get some lawyers.
Also…
In my personal experience virgins are highly overrated and that includes me and I can’t imagine my 32-second performance was a great experience for the older girl who “showed me the ropes” and I’ve gotta say her tying me up was an eye-opener.
JUST KIDDING.
Couldn’t resist the “showing me the ropes” joke, but in reality neither one of us had the kind of previous experience that would suggest those kind of hijinks, but if the terrorists are right and there are 72 virgins waiting for me in Heaven I’d ask if I could substitute 72 barflies with daddy issues because I’d much rather spend my free time with someone who’s been around the block once or twice and gathered her rosebuds with a John Deere combine harvester.
But back to being 100 years old…
Chances are you might not feel like jumping out of bed every morning and doing some brisk jumping jacks followed by a quick set of squat thrusts (man, whoever created that exercise didn’t check with marketing before they named it) and based on her last few birthdays I assume my mom will consider a party a pain in the ass, held more for us than her.
Suck it up, mom, we want to have a party.
And as usual, I’m flying Southwest, because I’ve got “points” which means I can get cheap flights to places I don’t want to go and this time I’m going to Sacramento by way of Phoenix—Jesus, do these people ever look at a map?—so I’ll be leaving a hot place to go to an even hotter place (the high in Phoenix today is 111) to arrive in a slightly less, but still hot place (102 in Sacramento) but as someone is always willing to tell you, it’s a dry heat and my standard response to that is:
“They say the same thing about Hell.”
Today’s Lesson
Trump’s still a Horse’s Ass, there is no combination of humans and human activity that someone hasn’t made porn out of and good things come to those who wait—also bad things, so maybe you want to keep moving—and you should gather your rosebuds while you can still see them, but if Bob Herrick offers you a ride on the Lolita Express to visit his own private rose garden, turn down the offer and tell him you’re flying Southwest instead.
On the other hand…
You’re probably going to get fucked either way, but I keep flying Southwest because I truly believe bad trips make good stories and I need the comedy material.
Wish me luck.
Good luck, Lee. Have a safe trip. Both ways. Hope your mom enjoys your party. Ready for the rest of the 2015 Royals recap. It's been a blast.
Good luck Lee. Have a safe trip.
PS. I am enjoying all the 2015 Royals columns. I appreciate your insight.