Good News!
A few things you can stop worrying about...
Another year is drawing to a close and I often look back at the previous year’s cartoons to see what I’ve done well and/or poorly because a big part of getting better is figuring out what you suck at and doing that as seldom as possible. And you know Donald Trump doesn’t do this because he’s still dancing at his rallies.
Anyway…
I just looked at this past year’s cartoons and what stood out to me is how many cartoons were about issues that went absolutely nowhere and that’s because Donald Trump has the attention span of a high-strung Chihuahua, can’t complete a sentence and says whatever pops into his head, no matter how inane, unlikely or preposterous.
And after Trump says something nuts, everyone in journalism (including me) starts drawing cartoons and producing fact-checking articles and writing “think pieces” about why it’s impractical to build a Tilt-A-Whirl at the top of Mount Everest or make Dolly Parton head of NASA or colonize Mars and start a Martian cock-fighting league by the spring of 2027, but by the time we finish those cartoons, articles and think pieces Trump has moved on to invading Tierra del Fuego and making it a paintball arena.
For example:
On December 1, between 7:09 PM and 11:57 PM Trump posted 158 times on social media and criticized enemies and praised himself and shared his thoughts on a wide variety of topics. As the cartoon at the top of my post illustrates, it’s hard to keep up with Trump and whatever drugs they’re giving him.
But while Trump’s given us plenty to worry about, here’s a list of 2025 issues you can cross off that list because they’re not going to happen and we’ll start with…
Annexing Canada
Ask Google why Trump hasn’t annexed Canada yet and it says annexing Canada is a “complex, legal and diplomatic impossibility” which would “require Congressional approval” and “violate fundamental principles of international law” and “risk catastrophic backlash from allies” and also “because the Canadians think we’re a bunch of douchebags for even bringing it up.”
(OK, I made up that last part, but still believe it to be accurate.)
Canada’s like that cool neighbor who helps shovel your driveway even though you’ve never done the same for him and then he invites you to his Christmas Eve Dinner even though last year you didn’t invite him to yours and then he offers you a hit off the joint he’s smoking in the back yard and you get fucked up and you and Canada spend 20 minutes looking at the stars because “they’re so beautiful, man” and you decide Canada is a really cool dude and you should hang out more often.
On the other hand…
Trump is like that loud, overly-opinionated uncle you brought along because otherwise he’d be all alone on Christmas Eve and he repays you by getting hammered on Mai Tais and somehow pulling Canada’s towel rack out of the bathroom wall while simultaneously plugging Canada’s toilet and then starts a drunken rant about foreigners” and “gays” and how “O Canada” is a song for wussies and not nearly as good as “Born In the USA” which—because he never listens to anybody else—your drunk uncle doesn’t realize is actually critical of America.
Which seems entirely possible because Trump clearly doesn’t realize YMCA is a song about the joys of gay sex.
Reopening Alcatraz
Next, Google “what’s happened with reopening Alcatraz” and you’ll be informed that the project is “currently in the assessment phase” and faces immense hurdles like cost, legal challenges, protected historical status and opposition from people who aren’t fucking idiots.
You know what else is “currently in the assessment phase”?
Time travel…
Perpetual motion machines…
And the slim possibility of monkeys flying out our butts.
Critics—AKA: the people who aren’t busy kissing Trump’s ass—called “reopening Alcatraz” a publicity stunt.
Invading Greenland
Taking over Greenland was an idea promoted by Silicon Valley Tech Bros who thought it would be cool to run a country where they wouldn’t have to follow society’s laws and could make up their own rules and force all the girls who thought they were dorks in high school to serve them diet Coke and hot wings while wearing one of those Princess Leia iron bikinis.
Meanwhile…
The Tech Bros would steal Greenland’s minerals and enjoy its cooler temperatures which would be good for their giant-ass, heat-generating server farms and they were really looking forward to leaving a country they helped fucked up to go fuck up a new one.
Unfortunately for the Tech Bros and their sophomoric fantasies, Greenland is a self-governing part of Denmark and a NATO ally and if we start invading our allies that’s not going to be overly popular and being a bully and avoiding fair fights, Trump decided to pick on Venezuela instead.
Renaming the Gulf of Mexico
In-between sitting up, rolling over and playing dead, Congress voted to rename the Gulf of Mexico and start calling it the Gulf of America because Trump wanted them to, but other countries said fuck that and the horse’s ass it rode in on and kept calling it the Gulf of Mexico.
The Associated Press said Trump could change “Denali” back to “Mt. McKinley” because that’s within the United States, but the Gulf of Mexico isn’t, so along with the rest of the world, the AP would keep using the Gulf of Mexico name while, at the same time, acknowledging that our president is a petulant asshole.
And being a petulant asshole, Trump banned the Associated Press from press conferences, the Oval Office, Air Farce One and all future reindeer games.
The Associated Press has sued.
Serving A Third Term
If you’re the kind of multi-billionaire who constantly needs his ego-stroked (and if I was a multi-billionaire, it wouldn’t be my ego getting stroked) you surround yourself with brown-nosing, ass-kissing sycophants who tell you all your ideas are strokes of genius (and if I was a multi-billionaire, it wouldn’t be my genius getting stroked) so you keep saying crazier and crazier shit because your crazy shit is getting standing ovations (and if I were a multi-billionaire, it wouldn’t be my ovations that were standing…and I’m pretty sure I just beat that joke into the ground) but then you forget the cameras are on and your crazy shit is getting broadcast to people who aren’t brown-nosing, ass-kissing sycophants and they realize your crazy shit is just crazy shit.
Like Trump saying there are ways for him to serve a third term as president.
Google “is it possible for Trump to serve a third term” and the answer is no, the 22nd Amendment of the Constitution prevents it and while some of those previously mentioned brown-nosing, ass-kissing sycophants have suggested “workarounds” (and I hope you appreciate me not making another masturbation joke here, although it seems extremely appropriate) like having Trump run for vice-president and then having him take over the presidency.
But what kind of spineless, lily-livered jellyfish would get elected president and then just hand the office over to Donald Trump and I think we know the answer:
But the 12th Amendment specifically states that no person ineligible to be president is eligible to be vice-president, so there’s yet another thing you can quit worrying about.
Taking Over The Gaza Strip
Back in February Trump suggested we might take over the Gaza Strip, tear down damaged buildings, develop it and turn it into the “Riviera of the Middle East” although the “Branson Next To Israel” seems a lot more likely.
This idea never got off the ground because:
It violates international law.
No Arab nation supports it.
We don’t either.
We’d have to forcibly relocate millions of Palestinians.
It would cost way more money than we currently have to throw around unless we’re building totally unnecessary ballrooms for a dude that can’t dance.
Incredibly bad ideas like this one are why you don’t elect a guy with ADHD who loves attention because he’ll just say some crazy crap to get everyone focused on him and then he drops that crazy idea and moves on to the next batshit crazy thought that came to him while he was sitting on the toilet that morning.
Bringing the Name “Redskins” Back
Being an (and here let’s go with) unrepentant racist, Trump has repeatedly said the Washington Commanders should change their name back to the Washington Redskins and with no evidence whatsoever—Trump Standard Operating Procedure—said that American Indians like the Redskin name and people in “massive numbers” want the name changed back to Redskins.
Trump also finds the name “Commanders” weak and he might have a point because he’s the Commander in Chief.
Making America More Religious
Trump vowed to “Bring Back God” who from all appearances had retired from public service in the late 1950s, which might be a bad idea for a guy who’s been convicted of felonies and assaulted women and cheated contractors and (the list goes on) because the Almighty might not be amused by Trump’s antics like selling Trump Bibles for $59.99—a special signed edition goes for $1,000—and from what I can tell America isn’t more religious, but a lot more people might be resorting to prayer.
OK, so that’s a short, incomplete list of things you can quit worrying about, but since Trump is still churning out bad ideas, we’ll get a whole new list in 2026.
Hang in there.
It's probably a barometer of my character that when I glimpsed the title of this piece, "Good News," the first thing I thought was, oh boy, that motherfucker is finally dead? 🤣
Yeah! It’s tough for any cartoonist to keep up. Everyone could probably draw 24-7 and not catch up!