Hallucinations Included
If you’ve been paying even the slightest bit of attention you’re painfully aware Donald Trump lies constantly, even when he doesn’t need to, and while the above cartoon could refer to the economy or the war with Iran or why the White House needs a ballroom the size of an aircraft carrier, today let’s focus on Trump’s latest medical exam, after which Trump claimed:
“Everything checked out perfectly.”
No other details were offered and Trump claims to be in perfect health even though photos have revealed a blotchy neck rash, swollen ankles, a bruise on his hand he tried to hide with makeup and his complexion is now approximately the same color as an over-ripe tangerine or an Oompa Loompa—whichever image works best for you.
Tangerines:
Oompa Loompas:
RFK Jr.—no stranger to bullshit himself—claimed Trump walks 9 miles when he plays a round of golf, although if you Google “how far does a golfer walk on an 18-hole course” the answer is about 3.5 miles or about 4.5 miles or about 6 miles, depending on what golf website is doing the lying.
But none of those guesstimates matter because Trump generally uses a golf cart and apparently is so lazy he drives his golf cart onto the greens (a serious golfing no-no) because he doesn’t want to walk an extra 10 feet when he putts the ball.
I did some verifying on that last bit and while Trump does drive golf carts onto greens he says it’s OK because he generally does it on his own golf courses and if you can’t behave like a boorish asshole on your own golf course, where can you behave like a boorish asshole and the answer is: the Oval Office…Air Force One…political rallies…and wherever else Donald Trump finds himself.
During his check-up Trump also got an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) exam—the one where they stuff you into a claustrophobia-inducing drain pipe and then throw a set of car keys in a clothes dryer—and MRI exams are not routine. As usual, the White House declined to share details and Head Spokesliar, Karoline Leavitt said it indicated: “Exceptional physical health.”
Y’know who else that describes?
The Elephant Man.
Look it up and “exceptional” doesn’t always mean “good,” but Trump claimed “getting an MRI is very standard” (it’s not) and added: “The doctor said it was the best result he’d seen as a doctor” (like maybe he’d seen some better results as a carpenter or plumber) which also makes it sound like it’s a competition and Trump’s results were the “best” which is probably exactly how Trump thinks about it.
Trump’s an incredibly insecure person and needs constant praise and if someone else won’t give it to him, he heaps it on himself.
Next up: Trump says they have a peace deal with Iran worked out, but warns that we shouldn’t rush into anything, which is amazing advice coming from a guy who apparently neglected to check Google Maps before starting a war.
As has been previously pointed out here and elsewhere:
The existence of the Strait of Hormuz seems to have caught Trump flat-footed and the ease with which the Iranians closed the Strait seems to have caught Trump even flat-footier and now the main goal of the war seems to be reopening the Strait that was already open before we started bombing Iran.
With Donald Trump and His Gang of Idiots in charge the cartoonable outrages come so quickly I sometimes feel like Lucy in the Candy Factory and just in case you forgot or never knew, here’s the classic comedy bit that last remark refers to:
This comes up now because when it first happened I had other cartoon fish to draw and failed to produce a cartoon about FBI Director Kash Patel deciding to take a swim around the USS Arizona Memorial.
Here’s the background on that one:
When the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor a bomb his the USS Arizona’s deck, went through and detonated the ship’s forward magazine (the place where they keep the stuff that goes boom) and more than 1,100 crew members were killed and more than 900 of the crew members are still inside the ship at the bottom of Pearl Harbor.
A recent KC Star article called it “a shipwreck, a grave and a shrine” and the US Navy considers it sacred and visitors tend to be solemn and reflect on the sacrifices we ask military personnel to make—unless the visitor is Kash Patel and then he decides it would be a cool place to go snorkeling.
And because Kash is the Director of the FBI, they bring in Navy Seals to escort him and his party (despite what Jaws would have us believe, there’s never a Great White Shark around when you need one) and I was reminded of all this by a Star article written by a former Navy captain who wanted to point out that while Kash Patel is clearly an entitled moron, the US Navy went along with the snorkeling escapade and shouldn’t have.
(Turns out, other “VIPs” have done the same thing, although those swims didn’t make national news and don’t excuse Patel’s swim just because other entitled morons did the same thing.)
After hearing about the USS Arizona snorkeling episode, I started thinking of other memorials Kash could desecrate, like playing Frisbee Golf in Arlington Cemetery or handball off the Vietnam Memorial wall or hang gliding off the top of the Washington Monument, but eventually settled on Kash climbing onto Abe’s lap at the Lincoln Memorial.
Face it; that would make a great selfie.
Today’s final cartoon was based on stories about Trump building a ballroom and renovating the Lincoln Memorial’s Reflecting Pool (which he mistakenly called a “reflecting lake” and a “reflecting pond”) and his plans to build a 250-foot arch in honor of US military victories and his own ego and the article about all this construction said Donald Trump wants to “leave his imprint” on Washington, D.C.
You just saw my first thought after reading that “leave his imprint” line.
Assuming he doesn’t overthrow the government and declare himself King Donald the First (and you know he’s thought about it) we’re going to spend decades untying the Gordian Knot of Government Bullshit Trump’s going to leave us with.
The systems of check and balances no longer works, we don’t trust elections, presidents can use the government to punish their enemies and reward their friends and if a president gets found guilty of 34 felonies, not pay a penny in fines or serve one day in jail.
Donald Trump is definitely leaving his imprint on Washington and doesn’t need to build an arch or a ballroom or renovate a reflecting pool to do it.
Today’s Lesson
This time we’re going to focus on Donald Trump’s claim that health-wise “everything checked out perfectly” because when you’re 79 that’s pretty unlikely and after talking about being in perfect health, a few days ago Trump apparently once again fell asleep during a cabinet meeting.
To be fair: Trump zoned out while Pete Hegseth was talking and a lot of us have the same reaction.
According to The New Republic (and I’m starting to think we may need one) this is the eighth time Donald Trump has fallen asleep on camera this year.
Trump’s mental and physical health have been questioned since he first took office (he’s our oldest president and that includes Ronald What-Day-Is-It Reagan and Joe Where-Am-I Biden) and mental health professionals have questioned whether Trump has:
Dementia (seems possible) or…
Narcissistic personality disorder (seems likely) or…
Attention deficit hyperactive disorder (seems 100% absolutely guaranteed rock solid take it to the bank certain).
Being a World-Class Knucklehead, Trump subscribes to the “battery theory” meaning people are born with a finite amount of energy and exercise uses that energy up so you need to avoid exercise at all costs—it’s actually bad for you—and drive a golf cart as close to the hole as possible before hauling your wheezing, fat, corn-fed ass out of the cart in order to three-putt a ball that started a foot-and-a-half from the pin.
BTW: I did not make that “battery theory” stuff up, Trump really believes that, which sounds ludicrous but believing this guy should be president is even ludicrouser and while my computer doesn’t think that’s a word, it definitely should be.
So what about Today’s Lesson?
Best I can do on short notice: whenever something fucked up happens—like the time I unintentionally dropped my younger brother off a cliff and he survived and went on to not only run over me with a car, but briefly parked the car on my right leg (See? The cliff-dropping incident doesn’t seem nearly so bad now, does it?)—I always think:
“This is going to make a good story.”
Think how entranced our great grandkids will be when we tell them about the time we elected a complete imbecile twice and all the goofy shit he did and convinced other people to do, but we need to be alive to tell that story after Trump’s gone and now you have a good excuse to not get any exercise because you need to outlive the bastard and if anyone asks why you spent all day on your couch, watching the NCAA baseball tournaments, you can now answer: “Revenge.”
Have a nice (and restful) weekend.
🧵I love your cartoons! The harder the edge, the better! I cut my teeth on HERBLOCK & many others when I was 12-14. Born in 1960.
Your style has some of the raw texture of cartoons by Mike Luckovich, which gives them a very current, on point feeling. As it happens, Mike is c. 12 days older than I, so I told him, “you’re 12 days wiser than I am, 😉!”
But all the artists & rude pundits will set us free. We need to follow you, provided you lead us.
——
Unfortunately, these are also tough times for all creators, writers, comedians, performers, artists, etc., you name it:
Behind our sleeping backs, more than one generation has grown up knowing LESS than their parents did.
People like you are sometimes forced to hand out REMEDIAL LESSON PLANS to their audiences, just to make sure they “get it”!
If you’re younger than I, you HAVE A DUTY to put your shoulder to the wheel, and EVANGELIZE the public as to proper education.
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Remember: The problem IS NOT Trump.
The problem IS in US, having forgotten how to remove a criminal president.
REMEMBER THAT, 😒‼️
So, should we congratulate Kash Patel for being able to set his shot glass down long enough to snorkel? Sounds like a promising first step toward sobriety to me.
I see a judge has ordered Trump's name be removed from the Kennedy Center. I'd like to propose that judge's name be ADDED, for having the sand to make such a bold move.
I really liked "flatfootier," if for no other reason than it is the perfect descriptor of the Royals' offense. That team is in freefall and their performance gets ludicrouser and ludicrouser every day.
I recall the final scene in the Elephant Man had him deciding to give up and lay his enormous head down so he could sleep like a normal human being, knowing full well the consequences.
While the action cannot be condoned, when thinking about the potential nightmare consequences of Trump's ego-driven stupidity, I believe the sentiment might be understood.