Here, There and Everywhere

An essay about Republicans, government shutdowns and of course, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce...

A couple nights ago I had a dream that a deadline was approaching and I didn’t have a cartoon idea and for some reason a bunch of my co-workers had turned my office into a restaurant and they offered me a steak that I was supposed to think was awesome, but it was undercooked and had too much fat and gristle and if you’re the kind of person who likes to interpret dreams, the meaning of this one is obvious:

I need to be in therapy.

My dreams never make any sense so I don’t spend too much time thinking about them. However…the fact that I would dream about not having a cartoon idea lets you know it’s an issue in my life.

Also, I probably need to eat less red meat.

In any case, as anyone who produces a daily cartoon can tell you, some ideas fall out of the sky and hit you in the head and some ideas have to be dug out of solid rock with picks and shovels and possibly dynamite and I think I can speak for my cartoonist brethren and cistern (wait…that doesn’t sound right) when I say we much prefer the cartoon ideas that fall out of the sky and hit us in the head, assuming we’re wearing protective head gear.  

Anyway…

I read a lot because I never knew where a cartoon idea will come from and in this case it was reading about Donald Trump making fraudulent statements about his worth and then reading that Dianne Feinstein was “lying in state.”

Two news stories that when connected, led to one cartoon idea.

As you may have concluded without my help, some Republicans will do pretty much anything to see President Biden fail which would also mean the country isn’t doing so hot, which is kinda like General George Patton preferring to lose World War 2 if British Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery were to get credit for winning it.

OK, that’s a historical reference that counts on you knowing Patton didn’t like Montgomery and sometimes people get caught up in rivalries while ignoring the larger goal like beating Hitler and/or keeping Yellowstone Park open – preferably both.

In any case, Hardline Republicans (who seem intent on causing as much damage as possible and then living in one of those Post-Nuclear War Societies where they could build really bitchin’ Mad Max muscle cars and fight over cans of gasoline — so just like the 1970s) would have preferred to see the government shutdown because they don’t like government in general.

Probably because they want to own as many guns as possible and not pay taxes or get in trouble for saying racist stuff and treating women like crap and I’m hoping the Hardliners will eventually move to one of those cold-ass states along the Northern Border and start their own country and if they’d be willing to do that, I’ll rent a U-Haul and help them move their shit.

People seem to be either dog people or cat people (and if you love both, let me compliment your open-mindedness if not your judgment) but I’m definitely a dog person because I don’t want to own a pet more intelligent than I am, plus you know if cats ever develop opposable thumbs and figure out how to operate can openers, we’ll all be murdered in our sleep.

Anyway…

Kevin McCarthy really wanted to be Speaker of the House, but it wasn’t a smooth ride once he got the job so I’m guessing it was like really wanting to be captain of a ship and they finally give you one, but it’s called The Bounty and your second-in-command is Mr. Christian.

According to the Washington Post…

Matt Gaetz (the guy accused of sexual misconduct and illegal drug use and “other wrongdoings” which for all I know might include participating in The Great Train Robbery and the assassination of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand) accused McCarthy of being a liar and wanted to dump McCarthy by using one of those weird parliamentary procedures that nobody with an interesting life ever heard of.

Nancy Pelosi seemed to make an accurate observation (her first in a while) when she said this was actually all about Matt Gaetz getting attention and giving TV interviews and using both those to raise money.

A fellow Republican summed up Gaetz as a “smart guy with no morals” so clearly Gaetz chose the right profession.

According to a column in the Kansas City Star: beginning with the Tea Party Movement the Republican Party started embracing Hardline Extremists so it was like a string quartet inviting members of the Hell’s Angels to join their group, but everybody’s scared to death of them so before long they go from playing Bach to Black Sabbath.

(OK, I have no idea if Bach actually wrote music for string quartets, but I like the alliteration so we’re sticking with it.)

As the column pointed out:

The Republicans have been fighting each other ever since and because he was facing a move to dump him, former Speaker John Boehner quit Congress and because he couldn’t deal with all the Black-Sabbath-playing assholes Speaker Paul Ryan retired and now Kevin McCarthy has been tossed overboard and the Extremists want to dismantle our current government and go with a form of leadership based on Lord of the Flies.

BTW: For that last joke I did a some research on Lord of the Flies and turns out it got rejected by a bunch of publishers and a “professional reader” – a job I didn’t know existed or I would have applied for one – called the manuscript “absurd” and “uninteresting” and “rubbish” and “dull” and “pointless.’

That pointless book went on to sell over 10 million copies and three movies and at least one government have been based on it, so next time you get rejected by someone who may or may not know what the hell they’re talking about, remember Lord of the Flies.

Also, the Beatles failed an audition for Decca Records.

A couple things about this one: I did everything I could to ignore this subject even though I had three friends asks me when I was going to draw a cartoon about it and the most surprising thing about any of that is me having three friends.

Considering what I do for a living, eventually I’m going to piss off everybody I know and back before the pandemic, when I still left the house and got introduced to people, one of the most common reactions to meeting me was somebody saying:

“Y’know, I don’t agree with all your cartoons.”

To which I’d respond:

“Who do you agree with all the time? Your wife (and/or husband)? You married them, but I bet you still find things to disagree about.”

A perceptive response that made people realize I was also an asshole in person.

The other issue with the cartoon was not being sure the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce relationship was a national story or just a big deal here in KC, a question that was answered when the Chiefs played in New York and the TV people spent more time showing Taylor than Travis which was only fair because I’m pretty sure she had more receptions.

According to Jason Kelce, Travis Kelce’s brother, Taylor was shown no fewer than 17 times and even Travis thinks it’s getting a little crazy and this is a guy who’s orbiting his own planet.

Here’s the deal on the media (and I suspect quite a few other professions):

A lot of us are really lazy and like easy stories because who’s got the time – or interest – in learning the difference between Cover 2 and Cover 3 defenses, so sideline TV reporters who don’t actually give a rat’s ass about football tend to ask I-Have-No-Fucking-Clue Questions that start out:

“What does it mean” or “What does it say” or “How does it feel” and my all-time favorite response to a bad question is the LA Ram’s receiver Cooper Kupp giving an overly-honest answer about how he scored a touchdown:

I’ve posted that clip before, but I still love it and I’m pretty sure the interviewer wishes she’d asked Cooper if he thought Taylor and Travis were really serious and how long after he goes on Injured Reserve, Taylor will wait to dump him.

In any case, once I figured out the real target of the cartoon should be neither Taylor nor Travis – the real target should be the media and its love of easy stories – the cartoon wrote itself.

OK, that’s it for today and tonight let’s hope Taylor Swift decides to make an appearance in one of my dreams…and she gives me a really terrific cartoon idea.

http://kingfeatures.com/comics/editorial-cartoons-a-z/