How Charlton Heston invented spring cleaning

In the picture below, Moses is urging the Israelites to open their windows and air out their houses...

It has come to my attention that I have not been posting as many cartoons as I have in the past and it mainly came to my attention because my computer’s desktop is littered with them and I need to make space for some other stuff I plan to use sometime soon and if my previous history is any indication, will then ignore for months.

Time for a little spring cleaning.

Depending on who and/or whom you believe, spring cleaning is a tradition related to the Iranian Nowruz which according to the internet is the Persian New Year, a fact I’m reluctant to point out because the word “Persian” sounds like something that may or may not be politically correct and I haven’t received my latest issue of Shit You Can No Longer Say magazine, edited by the people who have put themselves in charge of showing how much more “woke” they are than the rest of us.

Think about it for two-and-a-half seconds and if you were going on a camping trip or stuck on a desert island or spending time in a space station, “easily offended” is not a quality you’d seek in a companion.

Anyway…

Here in no particular order are the various internet explanations for the origins of spring cleaning:

• It was started by the Aspen Times in April of 1950 when they decided to nag their community into action and urged Aspen residents to get rid of unattractive items like people who weren’t rich or hadn’t starred in at least one Hollywood action movie.

• It is the commemoration of the liberation of the Jews from slavery and you clean your house to get rid of any traces of yeast because escaped Jewish slaves didn’t have time to wait for their bread to rise before taking off for the hills (a fact that you might think I made up, but didn’t) so they survived on unleavened bread and that means we’re basing our cleaning schedule on the dietary restrictions of a group of people led by Moses who, if the Bible is to be believed, also parted the Red Sea, turned a staff into a snake and then went on to star in a Las Vegas magic show with Doug Henning.

OK, I just read about that whole “staff-turning-into-a-snake” thing and apparently Moses had a companion named Aaron (Robin to his Batman) and the Bible says “Aaron’s rod” turned into a serpent and when the Pharaoh brought out his sorcerers and they were also able to turn their “rods” into serpents, Aaron “swallowed” them.

Jesus (who wasn’t born yet) Christ…that’s some Freudian shit right there.

Also, it seems later editions of the Bible changed “rod” to “staff” and I know that because I checked the Bible my mother gave me for one of my birthdays (the single most disappointing birthday gift I ever received which probably says more about me than my mother) and if the people who put out new editions of the Bible feel free to change words because the old ones now sound like a script from a porn movie, maybe we should all get over the “Divinely Inspired Word of God” bullshit we were sold as kids.

Sorry, mom, but you clearly should have given me a football instead and as we all know, “Payback’s a bitch.”

A saying I believe was First Runner-Up when God and Moses were figuring out what ten things to put on those stone tablets and if it sound sexist then it fits right in with pretty much everything else in that Divinely Inspired book.

A pause for a moment of self-awareness

OK, it has become increasingly apparent why I haven’t posted that many cartoons: I’m curious (in more ways than one) and easily distracted. I’m still hung up on the history of spring cleaning and not sure if I’ll ever get around to posting a cartoon today. Hang on…we’ll soon see.

Now back to the origins of spring cleaning

• Spring cleaning became necessary in the early 1800s because houses became covered with soot from the sources of heat they used in the winter: kerosene, whale oil, coal, wood – and if one happened to live in the neighborhood – witches.

Yet another digression

After that last joke I decided to look up the Salem Witch Trials which took place in 1692 after a group of girls were accused of being witches because they had fits, seizures, violent contortions and displayed a then-disturbing ability to do algebra.

Apparently none of the Salem witches were actually burned at the stake (they did that kind of thing in Europe which is why we took all our favorite witches to the New World and started our own country) but now that we’re more enlightened we realize that “witches” should not be punished and should instead be given jobs as editorial writers for Shit You Can No Longer Say magazine.

Moving on.

• Spring cleaning is related to the Catholic church and its tradition of wiping the altar clean on Maundy Thursday which I’d never heard of but apparently comes from the Latin “mandatum” which means “command” which refers to the instructions Jesus gave his disciples at the Last Supper which included: “Be thou wary of someone swallowing your rod, unless you’re into that sort of thing and let’s face it, anyone who owns a rod probably is, but if you take pictures while it happens, be cool and don’t share them with anybody.” Also: this information gives completely new insight to the Mamas and Papas hit record, Maundy, Maundy.

• Or…maybe spring cleaning comes from Chinese traditions and you do it to wash away bad luck and misfortune and get you and your furniture aligned with Feng Shui practices and because the Cantonese apparently have a saying: “Wash away the dirt on Ninyabatt” which is not a girl named Ninya like it sounds, but is instead a holiday. Although…I’m pretty sure I just got a Facebook Friend request from Ninya Batt who is smoking hot, but looks like she could use a good scrubbing.

The last two items (and I’m referring to the parts I didn’t make up) come from Fantastic Cleaners blog, a thing that sounds like I made up, but didn’t…unfortunately. I mean what kind of anal-retentive personality is required to make you want to spend your days writing articles about the history of cleaning stuff?

(Wait…I just realized I’m writing an article about the history of cleaning stuff, so Your Honor, we’d like that last remark stricken from the record and would appreciate you instructing the jury to ignore it when I completely contradict myself. Thank you…and it looks like that robe needs a good scrubbing.)

• Spring cleaning is actually related to the Japanese practice of “osoji” which apparently means “big cleanup” and that translation reminds me of the put-it-together-yourself rocking chair we bought that had instructions translated from the original Japanese and finished with this final command: “Now to commence the rocking.”

So what have we learned today?

1. I’m easily distracted.

2. Many of our traditions come from goofy stuff that over time gained undeserved respectability. Never forget that in 1828 the city of Philadelphia tried to sell what became known as the “Liberty Bell” for scrap metal and it didn’t become a symbol of freedom until 1847 when a guy named George Lippard made up a story to explain the crack. And I didn’t make that up.

And finally…

3. You can put any goddamn thing you want on the internet.

I have reached the point where I no longer have space to post cartoons, so check in tomorrow and see if I finally get around to it. Until then, have a happy Tuesday and maybe you should get out your vacuum cleaner and gives those rugs a once over…Charlton Heston would approve.