How to avoid political arguments during Thanksgiving dinner

What to say when you don’t want to say anything…

It’s probably a safe bet to assume that at least some of you will ignore all the advice from medical experts and have Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends you probably shouldn’t have over to your house.

Let me start by saying that’s a really bad idea — as I pointed out in today’s cartoon — but just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean some of you won’t do it anyway. 

OK.

That being the case and since we just had an election that managed to piss off pretty much everyone – including the winners – I’m going to do you a favor and give you some things to say when someone tries to start an argument with a snide remark about Donald Trump or Joe Biden or how the coronavirus isn’t real or just how big a moron you have to be to think 256,000 dead Americans are faking it.

Lots of room for disagreement and some people seem to enjoy being disagreeable.

When someone shoots their mouth off, sometimes you have to say something so it helps if you have something to say that doesn’t actually mean anything and won’t throw fuel on the fire.

We’ll start off easy.

Phase I: Neutral responses

So it’s early in the dinner and you’re trying to stamp out arguments before they spread by saying something that won’t make things worse. Let’s start with an all-purpose neutral response that can be used on just about any occasion:

“Interesting.”

This could mean you find what the other person said interesting or it could mean you find it interesting that they’d think something so goddamn stupid and decide they needed to say it out loud. If someone’s dumb enough to say it, they’re probably also dumb enough to think you find it fascinating.

“Is that a fact?”

Be careful with this one because you have to say it in a tone of voice that implies you really don’t know whether the statement is true or not even when someone has just said something so ignorant advanced species of monkeys have already discussed it and rejected the idea.

“It’s something to think about.”

This one also implies that maybe everybody should shut the hell up and think about what was said. They won’t – if they actually thought about what they say before they say it, people wouldn’t say half of it – but you’ve responded and now have an excuse to drop out of the conversation. If anyone calls you on your silence, you can say: “I’m still thinking about what Bob said.”

Here are a few more neutral comments useful for almost any occasion:

“Maybe so.”

“We’ll see.”

“It’s possible.”

Make a list of your own and keep it handy so you can look at it under the table while your cousin is busy passing the dressing and telling everyone how the Democrats stole the election with the help of Hugo Chavez which is quite a trick because Hugo has been dead since 2013.

Neutral responses are the way to go early in the dinner when you’re still trying to keep the peace, but how about when people don’t take the hint – and they probably won’t – and keep talking politics?

You need to let them know it’s time to move on and the following responses will help you do that.

Phase II: Neutral responses with just a hint of aggression

“If you say so.”

“It’s not my department.

“I’m comfortable not thinking about it.”

All three of the above responses let everyone know you’re not interested in joining whatever argument they’re having and don’t much care what they think about it. You haven’t said so out loud, but here’s what you’ve implied:

“If you want to think that the Earth is flat, evolution doesn’t exist and face masks don’t work despite the fact that doctors have been wearing them for over a hundred years, have at it, but I’m not getting into a debate with a moron.”

As you might have already noticed, people are constantly trying to drag us into their shit and all too often we forget the power of indifference. We don’t have to care what people say on Facebook or Twitter or at the dinner table; it’s up to us.

If you refuse to get involved in the argument, someone might press you for your opinion, but don’t mistake this for genuine interest. They either want you to confirm that they’re right or have an argument if you think they’re wrong. So when someone asks, “Martha, what do you think?” here’s a response that tells them to back off:

“I don’t think you’re ready for that.”

And with that comment we have now entered the final phase of avoiding political arguments on Thanksgiving.  

Phase III: Conversation stoppers

So you’ve tried being completely neutral and that didn’t work, then tried neutral responses that hinted maybe it was time to change the subject and your bonehead relatives still haven’t taken the hint, so now you’ve had it and want everyone to shut the hell up because if the current discussion of what’s wrong with certain ethnic groups keeps going, your drunk uncle who’s working on his fourth whiskey sour is going to drop the N-word.

Here are a few comments designed to stop a conversation dead in its tracks and we’ll start with one of the best “shut the hell up” lines ever:

“If it bothers you, why talk about it?”

This one comes from Elmore Leonard and Hombre, my favorite Western, whether you’re talking about books or movies.

Diane Cilento is bitching at Paul Newman, saying someone ought to help some poor woman and hinting Paul oughta be the one to do it, but Paul thinks the poor woman is a racist and a thief and a snob and doesn’t feel obligated to help her out of a fix she brought on herself.

So Paul drops the, “If it bothers you, why talk about it?” line on Diane.

It’s not only a very elegant and backhanded way of telling someone to shut up, it also points out that some people like to be upset and bitch and complain and they want to share their misery and you’d rather they didn’t.

Here’s another I’ve-had-enough line:

“Take two aspirin and lie down.”

This one comes from John Sandford – another favorite writer –and it’s no surprise that guys whose job is working with words would contribute some classic shut-the-hell up lines, including the one above which is great way to say, “I’m tired of listening to you bitch, go somewhere else until you get over it.”

And now the atomic bomb of conversation stoppers and this is supplied by another favorite writer, Robert B. Parker. Be forewarned: you drop this baby and there’s no going back, plus you’ll need to stop talking yourself, so say it, then drop the mike and leave the room:

“Talking may be overrated.”

There you have it.

If you get all the way through the three phases of a Thanksgiving dinner conversation and none of your comments prevented a verbal train wreck and vows to never cross your threshold again, don’t look at me.

I told you inviting people over for Thanksgiving dinner was a bad idea and the fact that you did it anyway is…“interesting.”

http://kingfeatures.com/comics/editorial-cartoons-a-z/