It’s not over until the Fat Lady gets vaccinated
It's science, baby...
As regular readers already know I recently took a trip to Dallas, Texas and these days when you book a flight they send you multiple email warnings that you’ll have to wear a mask to fly on an airplane and when you arrive at the airport there’s a sign outside saying you have to wear a mask to go inside the airport and when you go to a kiosk to get your boarding pass and luggage tags you have to agree to wear a mask to get them.
While I was waiting to board my KC to Love Field flight some un-masked numbskull tried to go in a door clearly marked “EXIT” and when the security guard stationed there told him the entrance was actually farther down the hallway and he’d need to put on a mask to enter – which he’d probably already been told six times – the numbskull said:
“Masks don’t work.”
To which the security guard said:
“They do if you want to get on an airplane.”
Turns out, ignoring all the warnings you’ve been given and thinking you’re going to get to the airport and suddenly turn into a combination of Clarence Darrow and Carl Sagan and argue your way on to an airplane is not a good game plan and neither is refusing to get vaccinated.
In my last post I kinda, sorta urged people to get along and ignore their differences and focus on what they have in common which I believe up to a point, but each and every one of us have to decide where that point is because if Pol Pot wanted to be pals and share some nachos while watching a Chiefs game I might have a hard time overlooking the 1.5 to 2 million people Pol (or maybe it’s actually “Pot”) was responsible for killing.
In my case, kind of a “best pals” deal breaker.
So now we’re almost two years into the COVID-19 pandemic and we have a cure, but according to the internet only 61.6 percent of us have been fully vaccinated which means 38.4 percent of us are keeping the pandemic going and making the rest of us watch Saturday Night Live with no audience and NFL games on a Tuesday which is against the Laws of Nature, which also include Black Widow spiders that kill and eat their mates and Gay Dolphins (neither of which I totally made up) and next thing you know, cats will marry dogs and sire either “dats” or “cogs” and the last thing we need is a hybrid animal combining the power and teeth of a German Shepherd with the psychopathic personality of a Siamese cat, so maybe we need to pull our shit together before that happens.
And now, some sex advice from scientists…
OK, so I looked up “do Black Widow spiders kill and eat their mates” because I wouldn’t want to be passing along misinformation on the internet because that job’s already taken and a Burke Museum website said it’s only partially true because there are several types of Black Widow spiders and only the Latrodectus species cannibalizes their mates “in nature” and the other cases of Black Widow Husband Homicide took place in laboratory cages “where males could not escape.”
And I think the lesson we should all learn here is that guys who have sex with a woman and then want to leave as soon as possible are only obeying the Laws of Evolution that clearly state once you’ve finished your “bidness” you need to run for your goddamn life.
So guys, you no longer need to make up excuses like you have to “get up early in the morning” or you “left your stove on” just put on your coat and hat, head for the door and before leaving, turn and look at the woman you’re abandoning and say:
“It’s science, baby.”
Which sounds like something Humphrey Bogart would say to Lauren Bacall so you got that going for you.
And now back to those Gay Dolphins…
When someone says something is “unnatural” my first thought is they seem to be poorly informed about some of Mother Nature’s More Interesting Hijinks and here’s an article that says about 1,500 species practice same-sex coupling and the first one they talk about are giraffes and apparently male giraffes are really into foreplay which can last up to an hour so Science has also proven Gay Giraffes are much better at that particular activity than us human guys, although an hour seems kind of over-doing it and after about 23 minutes of rubbing each other’s necks (which is big on the Giraffe Foreplay List) I’m guessing even the most romantic woman would say:
“So are we doing this or not?”
An opinion that may indicate Gay Giraffes know more about What Human Women Want than I do.
Here’s that article:
But before we leave this subject and give too much credit to their species, I should point out I googled “giraffes” in hopes of finding a picture of two of them rubbing necks as foreplay and it turns out it’s also the way they fight so apparently giraffes are just as confused as we are and when a giraffe starts rubbing the neck of a fellow member of the herd or pack or posse (I’m a bit hazy on giraffe group terminology) the rubbed-upon giraffe might ask:
“Wait…are we fighting or having sex?”
Which means many giraffes are just as confused as human males, because I myself have asked that question more than once and while you ponder just what situation would cause me to ask that, I should probably distract you by letting you know the above picture was labeled:
“Most Violent Giraffe Fight Ever”
Which seems to indicate someone has watched way too many giraffe fights and then ranked them.
Somebody needs a new hobby.
I’m never going to say I wouldn’t engage in “same-sex coupling” until I’ve spent at least a decade in prison and still have no interest in man-on-man sex and I say that because in the 1973 movie The Macintosh Man Paul Newman’s character went to prison and was hit on by another prisoner and Paul said it wasn’t his cup of tea, but suggested the prisoner ask him again in ten years.
Which seemed like a pretty logical answer because some guys get so lonely and desperate they’re willing to have sex with an air mattress that has a face painted on it.
And if you find that picture erotic, I’m definitely not inviting you to swim in my inflatable swimming pool even though I don’t own one.
Nevertheless, that loneliness and desperation goes a long way in explaining Science Nerds’ interest in Artificial Intelligence because apparently building a sex robot is easier and less intimidating than talking to Real Live Girls.
Here’s an article on that:
As so often happens we seem to have strayed off course because of your unnatural interest in the sexual activities of Gay Giraffes who seem to be getting laid way more than the rest of us which brings up a logical question: if giraffes do it standing up, is it still called “getting laid” and we can only hope Science takes a break from watching spiders hump and is now hard at work finding out what “getting laid” actually means so the rest of us (by which I mostly mean “me”) can quit wondering.
So many questions; so few answers.
Masks are stupid?
Just yesterday morning The Kansas City Star had a front page picture of a guy holding a sign that said “MASKS ARE STUPID” and unless he was commenting on the SAT scores of inanimate objects I’m guessing he actually meant “WEARING MASKS ARE STUPID” and the sign of a guy next to him said “CORONA IS MUTATING INTO COMMUNISM.”
And maybe he thinks that because the government is rationing gasoline, meat and clothing, banning the production of new homes and household appliances and calling on its citizens to join the military, buy War Bonds, participate in scrap metal drives, donate to charity, use ration cards, work extra hours and if things get really desperate, run into machine gunfire on the beaches of Normandy.
That’s actually what the U.S. government asked its citizens to do during World War II in order to beat Hitler which the Greatest Generation did, but apparently the Latest Generation of Americans couldn’t beat Hitler if all they had to do was show up to get a free vaccination.
That last bit reminds me that I probably use “Hitler” as an example way too much, probably because it’s right there in the Arguments Liberals Should Use Handbook and after I went to the Union Station exhibit on Auschwitz it reminded me that Adolf was pretty much the Genocidal Asshole GOAT and the rest of us who aren’t Jewish probably ought to quit comparing everybody who pisses us off to the Nazis, unless “Femi-Nazis” are rounding people up and shipping them to gas chambers.
Although in this case, comparing what it took to win World War II to what it would take to end the pandemic seemed appropriate because we no longer seem capable of pulling together to solve any problem that involves other people because we’re too busy focusing on ourselves and the Sex Lives of Giraffes.
(Hmmm…I may be part of the problem.)
So we’re stuck…
Apparently this pandemic will keep going until 38.4 percent of Americans quit being illogical and I’m guessing that’s not going to happen anytime soon and that means we’re screwed and if that’s the case and you’re still looking for a perfect Christmas gift for that certain someone, might I suggest a sex robot.
It’s the gift that keeps on giving…and/or taking depending on your point of view…and when you’re done and get up to leave the room, just remember to turn and say:
“It’s science, baby.”