Kinky Bible stories, cryptocurrency and a weather report
One of the methods for creating cartoons is to take someone’s argument and “extend the logic.”
For instance:
If someone says they have a right to own an M-15 rifle, you ask if they also think they have the right to own a tank and if things go your way, you’ll show that their logic is faulty and you can also use this technique if you get in an argument and if you keep reading my stuff, you probably will.
Word of warning: the person you’re arguing with can use the same technique going the opposite direction and if you say they can’t own an M-15 rifle are you saying they can’t own a baseball bat because those could also be used to hurt someone.
Gird your loins, people.
Timeout for some loin-girding information
As so often happens I got sidetracked by curiosity (which might kill a cat, but I don’t care even a little bit because I don’t own a cat mostly because you know if cats ever figure out how to use a can opener, they’re going to kill all the humans) so I looked up “gird your loins” and it comes from the Bible and back then people wore flowing robes so their “junk” was just hanging out which sounds pretty damn comfortable, so if you ever see me walking down the street while wearing a flowing robe, you know I’m “going commando” and if you’ve never seen it, here’s the scene where Jerry and Elaine find out Kramer has stopped wearing underwear:
My favorite moment is Elaine automatically backing up like she just spotted a King Cobra and while I’m absolutely sure there’s a King Cobra-No Underwear joke available at this point in my story, I’ll pass it up because this digression has gone on long enough as it is.
OK, so if you were wearing a flowing robe and had some strenuous activity scheduled – like fighting Goliath in a MMA five rounder – you’d “gird your loins” by gathering up your robes and tuck them into your belt so your junk wasn’t hanging out.
Unless…
The strenuous activity required access to your junk and right now I’m thinking of Lot because after God turned his wife into a pillar of salt, Lot’s daughters date-raped him and here’s that story straight from the Bible:
“Our father is old, and there is no man around here to give us children — as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.” (Genesis 19:30)
And five verses later:
“So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. So both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their father.” (Genesis 19:35)
And neither daughter got turned into a pillar of salt, so I think it’s safe to say God’s pretty inconsistent when it comes to handing out punishment.
Also…
This sounds like some Old Dude Fantasy in which young women want to sleep with us and get us drunk and have their way with us, so it’s clearly not our fault, but how was Lot so drunk he was unaware he was banging his daughter, but was not so drunk he couldn’t get an erection and as many a Viagra user has discovered, that can get harder (bad choice of words) as you get older so this whole things sounds like some Divinely Inspired Bullshit.
Speaking of which:
I once dated a woman who wrote the fake letters to men’s magazines that start out: “You’ll never believe what happened to me in night school” and the reason you wouldn’t believe it is that shit doesn’t really happen.
So I kinda blame the media for guys acting like fucking idiots because we’ve been told over and over women are just dying to have sex with us and all we have to do is yell obnoxious shit to them on the street or drink the right brand of alcohol or load up on Axe Body Spray and when those things don’t work in reality, we get resentful and get back at women by paying them 76.5% of what men make.
So the obvious lesson here is that there’s some really weird shit in the Bible and just in case you want to read more of it, here you go:
https://www.salon.com/2015/04/06/the_8_kinkiest_passages_of_the_bible_partner/
Can you own a tank?
Okey-dokey, let’s get back to the cartoon about owning a tank which is a great visual (which is why I chose it), but maybe a semi-bad example because you can own a tank as long as the guns are not operational (unless you have a Federal Destructive Device permit which are hard to get because they mainly go to nuclear power plants), but I’m sure the NRA is working hard to get all that changed so you can go deer hunting in your very own fully-operational M1 Abrams.
Here’s the problem with drawing a cartoon about the stock market: let’s say something cartoon-worthy happens on Monday and you decide to draw a cartoon about it on Tuesday and send the cartoon to your syndicate later that day and they send it out to client newspapers immediately and one of the papers decides to publish it, the soonest they could possibly do that would be Wednesday and maybe even Thursday and in the meantime, things just kept happening in the stock market so your clever cartoon about a “bare market” and investors getting caught with their pants down is out of date.
None of which stopped me from drawing the cartoon posted above.
(Some days the cartoon ideas are falling out of the trees, other days it’s hard to think of even one and when people ask what I do when I can’t think of a cartoon idea, my answer is: “A bad cartoon.”)
BTW:
I once again got curious and wondered why a “bear market” is called that and it’s because bears hibernate and a “bull market” is called that because bulls charge so, never say this blog is not at least occasionally, semi-educational.
And while I’m being so semi-educational, here’s a tip on handling your personal finances:
“Never play pool with someone who owns his own pool cue.”
If someone has played so much pool they want to own their very own pool cue because the ones shared by the public just aren’t good enough, there’s an excellent chance he or she has had way more practice and is way better at pool than you are.
You’re out of your depth, so don’t jump in that swimming pool.
Which is why, despite growing up 90 minutes from Lake Tahoe, I have never placed a bet in a casino.
I compare their house (with restaurants and bars and lounge acts and scantily-clad women serving free drinks) and compare it to my house (which has none of those features despite my repeated requests) and can only conclude the gambling industry is better at gambling than I am.
Which quite logically, brings us to cryptocurrency.
Any investment that has “crypto” in its name sounds like a risk because you probably don’t understand it and I love watching Stephen Curry play basketball, but he’s got an ad in which he endorses investing in cryptocurrency and the ad promotes the idea that you really don’t have to be an expert to give the crypto people your money.
Coincidentally…
You also don’t have to be an expert to give your money to a TV evangelist or a Nigerian Prince in a temporary financial bind or a 19-year-old stripper and if I had to choose I’d go with the 19-year-old stripper because while you’re definitely going to get screwed by somebody, you might actually enjoy that process with the stripper, right up until she runs off with your money and she and her meth-addicted boyfriend lose all of it in a casino because they just weren’t smart enough to read this informative essay.
During the Steph Curry ad, you can see his phone and the amount he has invested in cryptocurrency, which according to the ad is $15,084.93, but according to the internet, this year Steph will make $45.78 million.
If I did the math right: that means Steph invested a whopping .0003295092 of his annual income in cryptocurrency.
Also according to the internet: in 2020 the average American income was $35,805 so if you made that much and invested the same percentage of your income in cryptocurrency, that would be about $11.80 and as of right now this minute, a single Bitcoin is going for $29,667.70 so your $11.80 isn’t going to get you much.
Also…
After cryptocurrency took a nosedive, the New York Times went to a bunch of celebrities who had endorsed it and to absolutely nobody’s surprise, none of the celebrities wanted to talk about their endorsement.
But if they had talked about it, the question I’d definitely want to ask is when they got paid for their endorsement of cryptocurrency, did they ask to get paid in real money.
According to Urban Legend, if you put a frog in boiling water it will immediately jump out, but if you put a frog in room-temperature water and slowly turn the heat up, the frog will stay in the water until it’s completely cooked and I think the obvious question here is what kind of sadistic asshole conducted that experiment?
It sounds like something Hannibal Lecter did in eighth grade before moving on to people.
Ignoring the moral implications of the image, I used it to make a point about Mankind (or maybe that should be Personkind, because there’s always some Politically Correct Busybody eager to call attention to your lack of sensitivity) and the point I was making is that we seem to have slowly accepted the fact that our current weather is pretty much Batshit Crazy.
A while ago I read a story about Denver, Colorado going from 90 degree heat to a snowstorm in less than 24 hours and to flip-flop any faster you’d have to be running for president.
We have heatwaves and blizzards at the same time and not long ago right here in the Heart of America we had a 60-degree change in temperature in a 24-hour period and a forecast that included “thunder sleet” and while I’ve made this point before it seems worth making again: anytime they have to make up brand-new words to describe the weather, maybe we’re in trouble.
What have we learned today?
You can own your own tank.
Don’t play pool with someone who owns his own pool cue.
And the Bible has some stories they didn’t tell you in Sunday School.
Have a nice weekend.