Lee’s Lengthy Lunch List

A while back I wrote about Kansas City being a great town for good food at reasonable prices and mentioned Rosedale BBQ which apparently made some readers start salivating and I gotta think causing readers to lose control of their bodily functions is a sign of great writing or – which might be slightly more accurate – great food.

Either way…

I have a list of lunch places that I frequent, but rarely talk about because I don’t want them to get too popular because I’m incredibly selfish and don’t want to have to stand in line because somebody else listened to my dining recommendations.

Then Aveluto’s Italian Delight in Mission, Kansas closed.

I’ve had close relatives die slow deaths and took it in stride, but losing a favorite lunch spot hit me where I live, which from all indications appears to be my stomach and not my heart.

Aveluto’s made their own pizza dough and most of the time you could see somebody tossing a future pizza in the air and spinning it around just like you were in Martin Scorsese movie where he sets the mood right before Robert De Niro blows somebody’s brains out. Aveluto’s was awesome and not having it on my lunch list is like the New York Yankees not having Aaron Judge in their lineup.

BTW: When I suggested that Aaron and I were related (we’re not, Aaron’s adopted) Eric Hosmer said: “Lee, you have absolutely nothing genetically in common with that kid.”

Anyway…

A number of local restaurants have called it quits since the pandemic started and while the owners of Aveluto’s cited non-pandemic reasons, now I’m scared that some of my other favorite places will shut their doors so I need you to go eat in those places so they stay open for me.

But first…

Kris Kristofferson’s philosophy

In the 1973 movie Blume in Love Kris Kristofferson’s character, Elmo Cole, went to see the same movie over and over and I can’t remember what it was (I’m going to say Gone with the Wind) and when Elmo was asked why he saw the same movie repeatedly, he said:

“Because I know I’m gonna see a good movie.”

Which is exactly why I tend to eat the same thing every time I go to one of my favorite restaurants; if I order my favorite I for sure know I’m going to get a good meal and if I get something else and it isn’t fantastic I’m going to be pissed off at myself because I missed a chance at a sure thing.

So here are some more of my favorite restaurants and what I get when I go there.

El Pollo Rey: El Pollo Rey does chicken. You can order half-a-chicken or a whole chicken or chicken wings, but if it’s not chicken-related you’re in the wrong place. Your chicken will come with corn tortillas and fried rice and weirdly enough, beans and franks and some strange sauce science has to categorize (the CDC is working on it) but is nevertheless delicious when combined with smoked chicken.

(The picture at the top of this post is me and my friend Wendy Gimmarro, a former Star co-worker and these days there are plenty of those to go around.)

The Peanut: I have no idea where The Peanut obtains its chicken wings, but it must be a location adjacent to a nuclear power plant because the wings are enormous and make you think if they ever delivered a whole chicken to your table, a fork lift would be required. 

You can make the mistake I did and think “Oh, I can eat a dozen wings easily,” but it’s not really a mistake because they reheat just fine and within 24 hours of eating at the Peanut you’ll get hungry for those wings again, but you better hide them at the back of the refrigerator because a family member will raid your stash and make you consider the legal ramifications of disinheritance.

Pancho’s: This next recommendation will no doubt violate some rule of political correctness which doesn’t stop it from being 100 percent accurate.

When I eat in a restaurant dedicated to an ethnic cuisine – Mexican, Vietnamese, and I’d say French, but I don’t do French because my stereotype of a French restaurant is high-priced and snooty which is the exact opposite of what I’m looking for – I think the chances of me getting a good meal increase if I have a hard time communicating with the staff.

Call me prejudiced, but when I want some really, really great Mexican food I don’t want it prepared by Sean O’Malley or Bridget Hennessey.

I’d also like to see some people of the same ethnic persuasion eating in that restaurant.

If you go to a Mexican restaurant and all see is White People I suspect you’re being served the White People version of Mexican food. Pancho’s patrons are about 70 percent made up of the guys who roof our houses and mow our lawns because we’re too lazy to do that stuff ourselves, which doesn’t stop us from complaining about the people who come here and take the jobs we really don’t want to do.

Harry’s Country Club: My meal of choice at Harry’s Country Club is the City-Fried Chicken because the breading is perfect and I’m pretty sure you could put that breading on a Chuck Taylor Converse hi-top and still enjoy your meal. It also comes with green beans, mashed potatoes and that cream gravy thick enough spackle a house.

This is Greg (Wendy’s husband) and they sent me this picture after eating at Harry’s and I’m pretty sure they wanted to make me jealous because I wasn’t there to eat that chicken.

The Brick: The tenderloin sandwich is my meal of choice which I get because the tenderloin itself is so huge it hangs off both ends of the bun and you’ll probably want to cut it in half and stack the two pieces and I go with the tater tots and not the fries mainly because I like saying “tater tots.”

Garozzo’s: They play nothing but Italian crooners like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin on the sound system and you feel like you’re in a restaurant that will soon feature one of those Robert De Niro gangland slayings and while you’re waiting for that event you want to get some of their fresh bread and olive oil with garlic and their Chicken Spiedini and I go with Alfredo sauce because I’m thinking it will clog my arteries and make it harder for the blood to squeeze through which should logically make my blood pressure go down, a medical opinion that shows I know just as much about medicine as the people who don’t want to get vaccinated during a pandemic.

People who eat kale and spinach shakes so they’ll live longer are missing the point; without good food Life just seems longer.

(The picture is me and my son Paul and we’re both chock-full of those Life-enhancing carbohydrates.)

Gates Bar-B-Q: Gates for ribs, Rosedale for chicken and I always get a short end and you better decide what you want before you walk through the door because they’re going to yell, “Hi! May I help you?”  while you’re still in the parking lot and if you don’t respond right away they get kinda pissed off because you’re holding up their system.

You will have to eat with your fingers so this is a great place to take someone you’re considering marrying because if she or he gets weirded out by touching their food, marriage will be like taking an obsessive-compulsive person on a camping trip that lasts forever.

(BTW: If you think the kind of person who is too finicky to eat with their fingers actually enjoys performing oral sex, you’re kidding yourself and that will definitely become an issue later on so better to find out now.)

Gates BBQ will not only provide you with a great meal, it will help you eliminate unworthy marriage candidates.

Teocali’s: Shrimp tacos, a side order of guacamole and as many grapefruit margaritas as I can stand because they’re delicious and the grapefruit makes you feel like you’re doing something healthy while absorbing enough tequila to put Ernest Hemingway into rehab.  

Taqueria Mexico: I get the C3 which is a burrito and enchilada served with rice and beans and if you get a margarita you might as well order the large which is served in a glass the about the same size as the average goldfish bowl and everyone will know you either have a drinking problem or are working hard on developing one. 

Ponak’s: Fish tacos and a margarita, but at Ponak’s you can really taste the tequila so you can’t fool yourself with that grapefruit bullshit that works so well at Teocali’s. So if you know you have a drinking problem and are pretty much OK with that, try a Ponak’s margarita and if you don’t finish it maybe you can get a doggy glass and take it home because I’m pretty sure it will also power your lawnmower.

Rudy’s Tenampa Taqueria: Chicken tacos and…wait for it…a margarita. (I don’t know about you, but I’m sensing a theme here.)

Buffalo State Pizza: This used to be Papa Keno’s, but they changed the name for reasons that don’t interest me, but what does interest me is their slices of pizza bigger than Payton Manning’s head and they do a lunch special where you can get a slice and a breadstick and soft drink for under 10 bucks.

OK, that’s it and I’m 100 percent sure I left out some restaurant that deserves to be on the list (like I just remembered Q39 which has a meal called the Judge’s Platter and how could me or my half-brother Aaron not order that?) so feel free to leave a comment naming your favorite and maybe I’ll try it out because while we’re busy closing schools we really need to keep good restaurants open.

Bon appetit, y’all.