Life in the fast lane

A politically-correct liberal reveals his prejudice...

Not all that long ago I went to the drug store to pick up a prescription and there were three people in front of me doing the same thing.

• The first guy – an older man – brought the wrong insurance card, but wanted to argue his case for getting his prescription anyway.

• The second person – an older woman – had a prescription ready, but thought she was supposed to have two prescriptions ready and needed a lengthy explanation of a fairly obvious situation.

• The third person – a young woman – stood in line for a long time, then after giving it more thought than people who decide to join the Army, decided she didn’t want to carry her prescription around with her right then after all and would come back and get it later.

During this time of social unrest a lot of us are examining our own attitudes and beliefs and that trip to the drug store made me realize I’m prejudiced.

I don’t like people who can’t get their shit together.

Two kinds of people

Let’s assume there are two kinds of people because if there are three kinds of people it’s really going to screw up this overly simplistic argument I’m about to make.

1. People who think and talk fast.

2. People who think and talk slowly.

I’m definitely in category one which sounds good until life teaches you that people who think fast and talk fast also make decisions fast and sometimes those fast decisions turn out to be mistakes.

Nevertheless, I’m a big believer in the military axiom that states: “A good decision today is better than a great decision tomorrow.” Pretty sure the first guy that said that was getting his ass shot at and didn’t give a crap where he moved, he just felt a strong urge to move somewhere so let’s forget the committee meeting and just go.

But thinking fast and making fast decisions means my life is a series of unread Terms of Agreement that I agree to anyway, picking the first thing on the menu that sounds good  and – as you might have noticed – leaving out words that I supply mentally, but never actually write down.

Writing fast can also have other negative results.

A while back I wrote about “Charles” Floyd instead of “George” Floyd because I Googled Charles Floyd and got “Charles Floyd funeral” which sounded right so I mad a fast decision and didn’t bother to read the article.

As you might already know, Charles Floyd had the nickname “Pretty Boy” and in my defense he got killed by the cops, too.

Also in my defense – and I need a lot of defending – I might make mistakes because I go too fast, but at least I make my mistakes quickly and don’t hang you up at the local CVS when you’re trying to pick up your prescription.

An incomplete list of people who bug me

People who drive slow in the fast lane

A comedian whose name I can’t remember once made the observation that everybody else on the road was driving too slow or too fast, which points out our egotistical belief that we’re always right and unless they agree with us, everybody else is always wrong.

If you’re driving too fast that doesn’t bug me as long as you have your inevitable accident in the ditch beside the road so you don’t block traffic and make me late for whatever completely missable event I’m going to.

(My computer is telling me “missable” is not a word, but my computer has never been to an editorial board meeting.)

Driving too slow is much worse, especially if you drive too slow in the fast lane and happen to match speeds with another driver in the slow lane and block all the traffic behind you.

If you’re in the passing lane and not passing anybody, pick a different lane.

People who don’t know how many items you’re allowed in the 10-items or less lane

So the sign’s right there and most people ought to be able to count to 10 and yet some shoppers still walk up with enough items to get the Donner Party through the winter.

It’s 10 items or less and if you need a shopping cart to haul your shit to the cashier there’s a good chance you’ve exceeded the limit.

People who don’t fill out their bank deposit slip in advance

They have deposit slips and pens and flat surfaces provided for the convenience of bank customers and yet some people wait until they reach a teller’s window to fill out a deposit slip while the rest of us wait and watch.

Also…

Beware of that person with one of those canvas bags with a lock on it – a security system that can be defeated by anyone with a crappy attitude and Swiss Army knife – because those people own a small business and are going to have a very long transaction with the teller that might involve cashing numerous checks, getting enough quarters to get through the day or obtaining a house loan.

(Not sure about the accuracy of the house loan accusation, but I’m pretty sure I took less time to make out my will than some of people take to cash a check.)

People who can’t decide what they want at McDonald’s

McDonald’s menu is basically three things; sandwiches, fries and soft drinks and has been that way since forever. They might throw in the occasional McFlurry or salad just to show they have that crap if you lose your mind and think a salad from McDonald’s is a good idea, but most sane people go there for some combination of the three basics.

So you’re standing in line – back when we got to do that – and some guy who has already had ten minutes to make up his mind, gets to the front of the line, stares up at the menu like he’s getting his first good look at the Rosetta Stone and says: “Let…me…see…what…do…I…want?”

Dude.

You had 10 minutes to make a decision about a menu that has been around since cars had tailfins, you probably get the same damn thing every time you come here and you still haven’t made up your mind?

People who can’t walk straight down a grocery store aisle

This mainly seems to afflict older people who, despite being weak and slow, get in front of you and somehow keep meandering into your line of travel. You come up behind them, try to go left and they wander that way. You then try to pass on the right and they wander in that direction.

There are NBA players who don’t play defense that good.

Give up.

You’re not getting where you want to go until Methuselah wanders off in a new direction or has a heart attack and dies, which would probably slow you down even more unless you’re heartless and would leave them lying there which I might be willing to do depending on how irritated I am.

Bottom line:

I’m living life in the fast lane so get out of my way; I have mistakes to make.