My New Year’s Resolutions

It’s the last day of 2019 and I’ve got one night left to enjoy my bad habits…

Manhattan Beach has a parking lot overlooking the water and in the corner of that parking lot, embedded in the concrete are these words:

Beyond this point lies the rest of the world.

The same could be said of the exit at the CVS drugstore down the street, but it sounds way more impressive when you’re looking at the Pacific Ocean. (That’s me standing on those words, sucking down a Jamba Juice Mango-A-Go-Go and enjoying the view.)

Today is the last day of 2019 and let’s leave this year with the following thought:

Beyond this point lies the rest of your life.

Like you, I’m making New Year’s Resolutions that past history has shown I won’t keep. But once again, I’m going to give it the old college try, which is a saying I don’t understand, but don’t mind using which now that I think about it, is pretty much the same relationship I have with my microwave and that seems to be working out OK.

What follows is a list of the top 10 most commonly made New Year’s Resolutions, according to an article I found on the internet which is all the research I plan on doing so clearly, “Be more thorough” is not on my list of improvements to make in 2020.

And a-way we go.

1. Lose weight

This is the number one resolution people make and it’s on my list, too.

As some of you already know I’m visiting my son Paul in L.A. and staying in a nearby hotel. One of the drawbacks of hotel living is inconveniently-positioned full length mirrors and the other day I got out of the shower and got a good look at myself.

I concluded there’s a reason God invented dark because if we had to have sex in good lighting some of us would never get laid.

If I had a sitcom and had to pick a theme song, I Am The Walrus would be appropriate. I have been skinny as an adult and all it takes is eating about half as much as I’d like to and walking twice as much as I want to.

I need to get back on that program in 2020, but first…

I’m having New Year’s Eve dinner at Musso & Frank Grill with my son Paul. If I’m going to start eating sensibly tomorrow morning, tonight I’m going to eat like Charlie Manson with a tapeworm.

2. Quit smoking

Not a problem since I never started unless you count that seventh grade dance at Buckeye Elementary when someone had swiped a pack of their parents’ menthol cigarettes and I tried one.

Didn’t see the thrill then and still don’t, but then I’m not addicted to nicotine…although I could get used to a daily Jamba Juice if I’m not careful.

3. Learn something new

Already did it.

As you might have guessed Hollywood Boulevard has some seedy characters with at least one notable absence: I asked Paul where all the hookers were because I hadn’t seen any and he said yes I had. They were the high-school age girls toting backpacks, wearing dirty clothes and a sad expression.

What, you mean to tell me Pretty Woman was bullshit? 

Turns out if you’re a gorgeous Hollywood actress you do not have to provide sex on Hollywood Boulevard…you have to do it in Harvey Weinstein’s hotel room. (I’m guessing there’s something politically incorrect in there somewhere, but for now, let’s move on.)

4. Eat healthier

Already happening. I’ve eaten a lot of sushi since I’ve been out here and yesterday I finished a meal with soup, salad and sushi and didn’t get the slightly nauseous feeling you get when you finish a Double-Quarter Pounder and fries.

In America you normally know a meal is finished when you feel just one more fry away from barfing and you begin to hate yourself. Can’t wait to get back to KC and attack a short end, fries and potato salad; I think I’m having cholesterol withdrawal.

5. Get out of debt

I’d say I’ve already done this, too, but I know next month’s credit card bill is going to reflect all the running around I’ve been doing in L.A. and to pay it off I may have to take out a loan or have sex with Harvey Weinstein.

Let’s hope that loan comes through.

6. Spend more time with family

Man, I’m knocking this resolution stuff out of the park. I’m in the middle of a long vacation with my son and having a wonderful time; not sure he can say the same, but screw him – I’m picking up the restaurant tabs.

But I don’t want to leave this subject before I mention all the pro athletes who retire to spend more time with their family and a year or two later come back as a coach; apparently their families weren’t all they were cracked up to be and they miss those road trips to Pittsburgh.

7. Travel to new places

All over it. Never been to most of the places I visited on this trip including that Mexican vampire’s night club which I can highly recommend if you don’t mind taking a chance that it will turn into some Dusk to Dawn experience with the Undead. But look on the bright side; you’d get to see Salma Hayek turn into a vampire.

And probably meet Harvey Weinstein to boot.

8. Be less stressed

I plan on taking care of this one at Musso & Frank. Supposedly, they have the best martinis in the world although the only one I ever had tasted like you could use it to run a weed whacker, so the competition is less than fierce.

Nevertheless, I’ll give it a shot.

9. Volunteer

If we make it to the Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard and some comedian needs an audience member to act as straight man, I promise to raise my hand.

10. Drink less

Make up your damn mind. You want me to be “less stressed” and then take away the cure?

This is like saying “have less cancer” and denying me chemotherapy. I’m going to call bullshit on this one and double down on that Christmas Eve martini assuming the first one doesn’t make me gag like a cat coughing up a hairball.

So what’s my final score?

By my count I’m already six for 10 which will get you into the Hall of Fame without resorting to steroids, although I’m willing to take a shot in the ass if that would help…which sounds way worse than I intended and reminds me that ESPN recently aired the “National Cornhole Championship” which I assumed would be held in a Hollywood Boulevard men’s room, but turned out to be something totally different than I imagined.

So where were we?

Right…I’m six for 10 already, intend to do something about losing weight and being less stressed and will volunteer if Dave Chappelle asks me to and call bullshit on the Number 10 resolution becomes it’s in direct conflict with Number Eight.

All in all, I feel pretty damn good about myself…as long as I don’t look in a mirror right after leaving the shower.

Happy New Year everybody.