Not For Sale

Apparently Jeff Bezos rented Venice for his “wedding” at a cost of $46.5 to $55.6 million which pissed off the Venetians (which are either “citizens of Venice” or “people who live on Venus”) because they viewed it as an ostentatious, insensitive, over-the-top display of wealth which is kind of surprising because I’m under the impression that most Venetians are blind.

Assuming you’ve recovered from that last joke and you might want to take a minute…

I put quote marks around “wedding” because according to the following CNN article Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez didn’t actually get married despite having a wedding ceremony, which is a neat trick I wish I knew about 41 years ago.

A “spokesman” (or as we journalists like to think of them: a “blabbermouth”) for the mayor’s office in Venice said they did not receive an official request from the couple so whatever they did it was “ceremonial” and not “legally binding.”

How the fuck did I not know this was possible?

You can have a bachelor’s party and a ceremony and get gifts and drink champagne while dancing the Peppermint Twist at a reception and then walk away yelling, “Olly olly oxen free” and still be single?

Here’s a link to the CNN article about the non-wedding wedding just in case you want to read it yourself:

https://www.cnn.com/2025/06/27/style/jeff-bezos-lauren-sanchez-wedding

See?

This is another thing Rich People get to do that the rest of us don’t and that includes building rocket ships shaped like dicks so they can impress their friends by shooting them into space or holding keggers in the Vatican or having Jimmy Buffett perform at their birthday party even though Jimmy died in 2023 which would seem to mean he can’t keep performing, but if you believe that explain Keith Richards.

Rich People get to do a lot of stuff the rest of us don’t and the system is obviously rigged in their favor so they can get convicted of 34 felonies and not go to jail or be ordered to pay E. Jean Carroll $88 million and not pay a dime, but look on the bright side, as Jeff Bezos just proved…

They can’t buy cool.

Jeff Bezos is a dork…

Elon Musk is a dork…

Mark Zuckerberg is a dork…

Donald Trump is a dork…

Back to Mark Zuckerberg for a moment; while looking for a nerdy picture of Mr. Zuckerberg I came across this one in which he at least appears to be looking down Lauren Sanchez’ top which is uncool (it’s kinda like scoring a touchdown, act like you’ve seen breasts before) and doubly uncool to get photographed while doing it.

There are a couple theories behind this Insanely Rich = Flaming Dork phenomenon, the main one being that all those guys were dorks in high school and are now living out fantasies they developed as sexually-frustrated 13-year-olds and while Donald Trump might be an exception because his family probably paid schoolmates to be his friends, true friends tell you when you’re being an asshole and if nobody ever mentions you look like an idiot when you dance to YMCA, you’ll keep right on dancing like that and from the outside it appears nobody seems to actually like Donald Trump and that includes Melania.

So that was a graphic demonstration of what’s not cool, which brings us to…

A Dissertation On What Cool Is

I would never claim to be cool (that wouldn’t be cool) but I’ve been cool-adjacent and it seems to be comprised of three distinct parts:

1. Not giving a fuck.

2. Being yourself.

And…

3. Not giving a fuck.

When we care desperately what other people think we do stupid shit and I know for sure because I’ve often cared desperately what other people think and have done a lot of stupid shit.

And if you don’t follow Rule 1 you’ll screw up Rule 2 because you’ll say and do a lot of phony stuff to gain approval from others and one of my sons recently expressed an opinion about Generation Z (people born from the mid-1990s to the early 2010) and may you live long enough to hear your children complain about “kids today” because it’s hilarious.

His point (which was actually well-taken) is that Generation Z has grown up with and on the internet and they’re all having similar experiences because being on the internet in Mankato, Minnesota is pretty much the same as being on the internet in Meridian, Mississippi and because of the pandemic and living their lives online they’re socially isolated and have no idea what’s cool unless it gets “likes” from a bunch of strangers.

Which means being yourself is a bad idea because maybe you like weird movies or weird music or think Harry Dean Stanton was cooler than Johnny Depp, but don’t mention any of that, just wait and see what everybody else likes and then decide to like that, too.

(BTW: My son also think social media “influencers” are the Spawn of Satan because they’re telling kids what’s cool and what’s not cool and often taking money from businesses to promote their products—which is definitely not cool—so some high school sophomore in Missoula, Montana thinks he’s a loser because he can’t afford a pair of Nike Men’s Air Yeezy 2 Red October sneakers for the low low price of $10,238 to $29,003 which is screwed up because not having those overpriced shoes doesn’t make him a loser—listening to social media influencers makes him a loser.)

OK, so where were we before I started slamming the Zoomers?

Right, wanting to be cool, but not realizing wanting to be cool is uncool and CNN called the Bezos “wedding” the most secretive wedding of the year which is probably not true because:

A. Apparently it wasn’t a wedding.

B. I read about it on CNN.

Holding a “wedding” and inviting photographers to take pictures of you and all your celebrity “friends” (I hope when those “friends” find out it wasn’t actually a “wedding” they get their fondue sets and Tupperware gifts back) and letting Vogue magazine know what gown the bride was wearing – a custom design by Dolce & Gabbana—just seems like showing off and letting the world see just how obscenely rich you are.

Which once again isn’t cool.

Writer Elmore Leonard – who knew a thing or two about the subject – defined “cool” as being “without pretension of any kind…simply being yourself. And, of course, remaining reasonably calm.”

(You know Leonard was cool because so many people—me included—look to him to explain “cool” and he achieved this status despite going through life being named “Elmore.” On the other hand, his friends called him “Dutch” so he had that going for him.)

According to Dutch, the question becomes can you remain yourself—can you remain “cool”—when faced with hassles and distractions and insults and assholes (which would be a great name for a Guns N’ Roses album) and when that doesn’t work, still not give a fuck?

If you disagree with what I’ve said, feel free to leave a comment, but I’m going to warn you up front that if you do I probably won’t give a…

Well, you know the rest.

According to the Pentagon, the bombs we dropped had limited impact on Iran’s nuclear program which contradicted President Trump because after the bombing he immediately went on social media and said: “The nuclear sites in Iran are completely destroyed.”

He then said CNN and the New York Times (the news organizations that first reported the Pentagon’s findings): “Have teamed up in an attempt to demean one of the most successful military strikes in history.”

Actually, the Pentagon did the demeaning and they just reported it and later Trump said the Pentagon report was “very inconclusive,” but still believed the sites were demolished.

And then—in one of the more remarkable ramblings uttered by someone not sedated and wearing a strait jacket—said: “The intelligence says we don’t know. It could have been severe. That’s what the intelligence says. So I guess that’s correct, but I think we can take that we don’t know. It was very severe. It was obliteration.”

Work your way through that very shaky logic and it comes out like this:

WE DON’T KNOW = VERY SEVERE = OBLITERATION.

I’m guessing this is the same method he uses to fill out his golf scorecards:

“I wasn’t really paying attention so I don’t know, which means I did pretty well and the only logical conclusion is I just won the Masters.”

The people who survive by kissing Trump’s ass immediately started saying Trump was right despite not having any evidence that Trump was right, which is how you keep your job, but lose your soul.

According to the AI summation of what’s on the internet, the new White House flag poles are 80 feet tall, but according to the BBC they’re 100 feet tall and however tall the flag poles are apparently Trump wanted them to be as tall as nearby monuments which seems like a really weird thing to worry about right now, but remember: this is a man who thinks people are incredibly impressed by his dancing.

The BBC said that during the flag raising ceremony Trump was asked about raids on immigrants and then turned to ask the contractors if any of them were illegal immigrants.

Which is a fair question because if a job is hard and dirty we hire illegal immigrants to do it and once Trump drives all of them out of the country we might have shortage of people willing to climb on top of houses when it’s 110 in the shade and replace all the shingles.

“According to Trump” both poles were paid for by him personally, but “according to Trump” he won the 2020 election and the people that rioted on his behalf are patriots and presidents can do pretty much anything they want and if you ask the Supreme Court, they’ll tell you he got that last one right.

Today’s Lesson

I find it comforting that even after Jeff Bezos makes a bajillion dollars and rents about a third of Italy and “marries” a woman way out of his league, he’s still a dork and probably woke up the next morning wondering what people thought about his “wedding” and checked likes on Facebook which would be totally uncool because as we have already established, about two-third of being cool is not giving a fuck.

Turns out, no matter how much money you have, you just can’t buy cool.

http://kingfeatures.com/comics/editorial-cartoons-a-z/