Reader Complaints: Part 2
Yesterday I posted 15 cartoons that criticized Liberals and/or Democrats and conclusively proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can be as petty and vengeful as the next guy, assuming the next guy is either a Hatfield or a McCoy or the Count of Monte Crisco, which as you may remember is a story about revenge involving the heir to a “shortening” fortune.
Turns out “shortening” isn’t quite the same as “lard” and just in case you’re wondering about the exact difference, according to the internet, shortening is:
“Any fat that is solid at room temperature.”
Which pretty much describes about 10 pounds of what disguises the rock-hard abs that I’m sure must exist somewhere under my Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man exterior.
And now, in my never-ending effort to provide you with useless information that will stick in your mind while you somehow manage to forget your wedding anniversary:
“Shortening” was promoted as a healthy alternative to “lard” which is defined as “rendered and clarified pork fat” (and I’m not sure what part of that needs to be “clarified” because it seems pretty straightforward to me), but eventually medical research showed that overindulgence in the supposedly healthy “shortening” might have a negative effect on your heart and is extremely harmful to your chances of ever playing in the NBA or starring in a pornographic movie.
Nevertheless, if you want your pie crusts to be “flaky” you need to use shortening or lard or send them to a Scientologist seminar…your call.
Anyway…
Apparently Substack posts can only hold so much visual information and still be sent out as an email, so I had to stop Reader Complaints: Part 1 after posting those 15 cartoons and I did that to answer critics who say I’m one-sided which is completely ridiculous because as anyone who knows me personally can tell you, I’m actually more two-faced and I’m pretty sure you can’t be one-sided and two-faced at the exact same time unless you’re a Batman villain.
How about the other side…by which I mean mine?
All this stuff about reader complaints was inspired by a reader who complained about my politics and asked me to consider that there was “another side” which – having heard this complaint numerous times before – are code words for:
“Why aren’t you expressing my political opinions instead of yours?”
Oh, I don’t know…maybe because it’s my name on the cartoons.
But like everybody else in the world I want everybody and anybody to love me and if I went to a cocktail party with Idi Amin I’d probably try to make him laugh and like me while simultaneously avoiding any meat-based appetizers.
Timeout for a joke explanation
OK, so right there you need to know Idi was rumored to be a cannibal, although – according to the internet – he disputed that rumor by saying human meat was “too salty” for his taste, so next time a loved one urges you to lay off the salty snacks tell her …and the odds are way over 50% it will be a woman because a guy wouldn’t worry about your health, he’d just ask you to share your snacks…that you’re eating an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos to ward off cannibals.
So now who’s taking care of their health, Miss Smarty-pants-suit?
Her healthy vegan diet will make her a prime rib candidate (see what I did with the word “prime”?) to be the main course at a cannibal banquet and the menu will probably describe her as a product of “free-range” agriculture.
Time back in
Being a caring and conscientious individual…and right now you might need to take a sip of water to help you swallow that…I went back and looked at this year’s cartoons to see how often I’d criticized people on the Left.
Was I in fact being one-sided?
So today’s post has 12 more cartoons criticizing a Liberal or a Democrat and since you already saw the one making fun of Joe Biden’s approval rating, we’ll move on to one ridiculing Andrew Cuomo’s inability to recognize his own misbehavior:
I was for leaving Afghanistan, but it still does not reflect well on our lack of commitment to our allies:
And here’s one about the Liberal Do-Gooders in the UN talking a lot more than they wind up doing:
Here’s what I thought of Biden’s chances to get his bill through Congress:
And at times Democrats were their own worst enemy:
This one combined overheated rhetoric with lack of results:
Same thing when they promised to protect the forests:
Biden made a statement that I agreed with 100 percent:
Even though the agreement they reached was weak and in the past participants have not kept their promises, the Climate Change people argued that any deal was better than no deal and I wasn’t so sure that was right:
Biden got his infrastructure bill through Congress, but it looked a little different once he got it back to shore:
And here’s one about Andrew Cuomo screwing up his brother’s career and now Chris has been fired from CNN which made me think of the Hollies’ song that turned out to be incorrect:
OK, so that’s 27 cartoons criticizing the Left so far this year and if you take out the time I spent in California and the Holidays when I don’t draw and that one day I said fuck it, I don’t feel like it, let’s round it off and say I’ll work 48 weeks this year so that’s a cartoon criticizing the Left about once every 1.8 weeks which may not sound like a lot, but are the people who bitch about me being one-sided calling up Fox News every 1.8 weeks and complaining that Tucker Carlson hasn’t said anything shitty about a Republican?
And if they aren’t spending as much time criticizing Conservative commentators, then the people who complain about me being one-sided are being even more one-sided, which is fine and that’s their right, but since they’re probably being titanic hypocrites on this issue I’m done listening to them and maybe they ought to shut the fuck up.
(See? I told you I could be petty and vengeful and yet you kept reading…on the other hand, you did get some high-quality information about shortening.)
So these last two posts are my answer to the people who complain that I’m too Liberal or one-sided or overly political and now that I’ve done that, let’s move on to other subjects even though right now this minute I don’t know what they’ll be.
Talk to you soon…or not…it’s entirely up to you, but I’ve got some pretty good stuff about robo-calls coming up so you might want to stick around for that.