S-E-X Education, Part 2

In which we continue my series of unpublished cartoon sketches…

When erectile dysfunction medications first became available and started advertising on TV, one of the possible side effects caught my attention.

And speaking of ED medication side effects, a buddy of mine went to his doctor and complained about headaches and his doctor asked about medications my buddy was taking and my buddy mentioned Viagra and the doctor said how often do you take it and when my buddy gave him a number the doctor said that was way way way too much Viagra and it was probably causing his headaches.

To which my buddy replied:

“So you’re telling me I fucked myself sick?”

Which I really think ought to be mentioned in future TV ads:

“Can cause high blood pressure, indigestion, headaches, back pain, vision problems, skin rashes, nasal congestion, nausea and in rare cases, you might fuck yourself sick.”

(And yes, all my friends are funny, which is how they became my friends.)

A Popular Girl

In 1984 Vanessa Williams became the first Black woman to be named Miss America, but she resigned before her reign officially ended because pornographic photos of her became public when Penthouse published them.

I don’t know what most people think Beauty Pageant Contestants do to survive before they become Miss North Dakota or Miss Alabama or Miss Understood, but I’m guessing a number of them scuffle financially and struggle to make ends meet, which now that I think about it describes some of the racier Penthouse photos.

In one of the pictures Vanessa at least appeared to be performing oral sex on another woman, which made me think a compromise was possible.

Hef’s Engagement

At some point (and apparently I don’t care enough to verify exactly when) 800-year-old Hugh Hefner announced he was marrying a woman in her 20s and call me a cynic (it’s OK, I won’t be able to hear you) but whenever some smoking-hot woman in her 20s talks about how much she has in common with a guy 60 years older than she is, my first thought is of course they have things in common:

His money.

My faith in May-December romances might be restored if smoking-hot 20-year-olds started hooking up with 80-year-old janitors, gardeners and unemployed Social Security recipients, but for some reason they seem to target Rich Geezers.

Ronald Reagan’s Malady

As you might have already noticed, once a president is out of office, people who were close to them don’t mind cashing in and writing “tell-all” memoirs.

And in Ronald Reagan’s case a number of former administration officials who told us everything was fine and dandy while Ronnie was still in office, turned around and then told us Reagan was already showing signs of Alzheimer’s while serving as president and Nancy believed in astrology and the White House had a semi-official astrologer named Joan Quigley and we know all that because Joan wrote a book called What Does Joan Say? My Seven Year As White House Astrologer to Nancy and Ronald Reagan.

As I’ve pointed out on many occasions, the worst things we know about presidents come from the people who worked for them and Reagan’s public image took a hit when former members of his administration started blabbing.

72 Virgins

After 9/11 we all became way more knowledgeable about the possible motivations of suicidal terrorists and one the possible side benefits of blowing yourself into smithereens is being greeted in Paradise by 72 virgins.

As the cartoon points out, prospective terrorists might want to read the fine print on the Suicide Bomber Terms of Agreement because those virgins might not be exactly what they expected.

Also…

In my personal opinion, when it comes to S-E-X, virgins are highly overrated. It’s like trying to do the tango with someone who never had dance lessons and has no rhythm, but does have a phobia about certain body parts, including inserting Tab A into Slot B and frankly, if it’s your first attempt at the Horizontal Bop you might be better off with a woman who’s been around the block a few times. 

Which brings us to…  

Monica’s Dress

As we learned to our combination of dismay/disgust/fascination and possible delight, depending on your politics, Monica Lewinsky owned a blue dress that had a semen stain on it from her sexual encounters with Bill Clinton and her “friend” Linda Tripp advised her not to have the dress dry cleaned because the stain proved Monica’s claims about Presidential Blow Jobs. (And also because Linda was considering trying to steal it.)

When Monica said she doubted it would ever come to that, her “friend” Linda told her she shouldn’t wear the dress in public again because it made her look “really fat.”

Let’s face it, if they ever create a Shitty Friends Hall of Fame, Linda Tripp should be elected unanimously and have her plaque placed right next to Judas Iscariot’s.  

Monica eventually turned the dress over to Kenneth Starr’s investigators and the FBI tested it and a blood sample from Bill and said he was the source of the stain to a “reasonable degree of scientific certainty.” The stained dress proved two things:

1. Bill Clinton lied about not having sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky.

2. You actually can have too many friends and as Daniel Woodrell pointed out in one of his many excellent novels, pretty much everybody in a penitentiary had at least one too many friends because that friend ratted them out or considered stealing one of their dresses.

https://www.famous-trials.com/clinton/889-lewinskydress

A Hustler

Just in case you’ve forgotten or never knew and/or cared: Larry Flynt was a publisher, best known for publishing Hustler magazine and doing his best to freak out the straight world and at one point his magazine showed an interracial couple having sex, which pissed off a serial killer named Joseph Paul Franklin who then shot Larry and Larry’s lawyer when they were leaving a courtroom and I think we ought to take a moment and appreciate that last bit of information.

A serial killer thought Larry Flynt had gone too far:

“Oh sure, I occasionally kill people when the mood strikes me, but showing a Black man having sex with a White woman is just too much.”

In Larry’s quest to piss off straight people and get attention, among his other questionable activities, he wore a U.S. flag as a diaper and published an ad in Hustler that suggested that the Reverend Jerry Falwell’s first sexual encounter was with his mother in an outhouse and Falwell sued and the case made it all the way to the Supreme Court, but they decided you can’t sue for emotional distress caused by parodies, which turned out to be a pretty big deal for political cartoonists.

If a parody is an obvious exaggeration, you’ve got more legal protection than something that could be interpreted as literally true, so if you’re going to exaggerate, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally exaggerate.

According to the internet, Larry said his goal was to “offend every single person in this world at some point” and "If the First Amendment will protect a scumbag like me then it will protect all of you, because I'm the worst."

Flynt liked to portray himself as a First Amendment Crusader, but his critics called bullshit on that because Larry wasn’t all that enthusiastic about the First Amendment Rights of all the women who thought he was a misogynist jerk.

In any case…

The following cartoon was based on Flynt’s 1984 attempt to run for president as a Republican which I’m pretty sure he did just to annoy the fuck out of them.

A New York Beaver

And speaking of pornography, Free Speech and annoying people…

The paparazzi took pictures of young female celebrities getting out of cars which allowed the world to see up their skirts and an unsurprising number of female celebrities chose not to wear underwear which became an issue and, at about the same time, in 2007, a beaver was spotted in the Bronx River which was the first beaver sighting in New York City in 200 years if you don’t count Paris Hilton getting out of a Lamborghini.  

Today’s Lesson

Turns out, you can have too many friends, before you become a suicide bomber you might want to read the fine print, if you’re going to exaggerate really let it rip, virgins get way too much good publicity, if you’re an 80-year-old tycoon beware of  20-year-olds who find your Meerschaum pipe collection fascinating, consider having friends and family sign non-disclosure agreements (I’m 100% sure my family wishes they’d though of that), if you drive a Ferrari consider wearing Underoos – if it’s a Toyota Matrix, feel free to go commando – and above all try to avoid fucking yourself sick.

Although…

If you’re going to be sick anyway, that sounds like the most fun way to get there.