The Afternoon Nap
An essay about sleep patterns, character actors and why I’m not visiting Texas any time soon...
Michael Cohen was Donald Trump’s “fixer” (I’m just now realizing how badly I need one of those) and was supposed to be the prosecution’s star witness in Trump’s Hush Money Trial and maybe he was (we’ll know more once we find out what the jury thought) but once Cohen got on the witness stand he had to admit he had previously lied under oath and misappropriated money and was about as trustworthy as Jon Lovitz describing his relationship with the Young Morgan Fairchild.
(As I get older, apparently my references are going to get more and more obscure so you can look forward to some snappy remarks about Hupmobiles and Hula Hoops.)
According to Cohen he paid off porn star Stormy Daniels and then Trump reimbursed him, along with some funds to repay a tech company in an unrelated matter, but Cohen kept more than half the $50,000 meant for the tech company.
So Cohen’s like that dude who shows up at every party and offers to make a beer run and collects $72 from inebriated party-goers and then returns with a six-pack.
Cohen went on to admit he stole from the Trump Organization, so he’s a liar and a thief and you’d think no jury would believe him or trust him, but you never know because a remarkable number of women seem to pick guys like that for boyfriends.
Cohen also said he was trying to develop a TV show about himself called “The Lying Scumbag” (just kidding, he wanted it to be called “The Fixer”) and also admitted he’s made about $4 million from books and podcasts since the fall of 2020 which makes me think I’m going about this blog business all wrong. While I’m not A Complete Dirtball I definitely have Dirtball-ish tendencies which I try to hide, when apparently I should be promoting them while pursuing my own TV show.
Live and learn, so if any of you need a bag of cash delivered somewhere, let me offer my services and I 100% guarantee that at least 50% of that cash will get where you intended it to go.
Joe Biden is 81 and I’m (let’s go with a lot younger than that) and yet even at my age getting out of bed in the morning is a three-stage process:
1. Sitting up.
2. Checking the time because maybe it’s actually 2:15 AM and it’s just another bladder-inspired wake-up call.
3. Deciding if getting up is actually worth it.
Which it mostly is and if I described my average day to a coal miner or Guantanamo Bay resident or someone who hits something solid with something heavy for a living, it would sound like this:
Have a cup of coffee while reading a newspaper.
Take a walk and think of a cartoon idea.
Draw the cartoon and/or write a whiney list of complaints that I’ll pass off as an essay.
Lunch.
Watch a movie.
An Unnecessary Sidebar on Character Actors
Yesterday’s movie was the excellent Brad Pitt film Killing Them Softly and one of the many things I liked about it was all the screen time given to character actors like…
Scoot McNairy…
Ben Mendelsohn…
And Richard Jenkins. (And right now you’re probably saying, “Oh, those guys!”)
Jenkins is pretty much great in anything and this time he gets to play a petty organized crime bureaucrat who is negotiating with hit men and insisting that they keep costs down by flying coach, Mendelsohn plays a heroin-addicted dog-napper and that goes every bit as well as you think it would and Scoot gives maybe the greatest performance ever of a guy who’s scared shitless.
Here he is meeting Brad Pitt and realizing Brad’s the hit man that’s come to town to kill him:
In any case…
If given the opportunity most of us would like to be a movie star, which is probably a mistake because if a film bombs the star get blamed and right now would be a good time to ask yourself how often you’ve heard Mike Myers name after he made The Love Guru.
According to the internet, The Love Guru made $40 million which sounds pretty good until you find out it cost $62 million to make and you can get away with pretty much anything in America (they used to make inside jokes from the Academy Awards stage about Harvey Weinstein’s sexual antics) as long as you make people money, but start costing people money and suddenly you’re on your own.
Which is why – if you ever encounter a wish-granting genie and I’m not sure there’s any other kind – you should ask to be a character actor instead of a movie star because nobody blames them if a movie bombs and they just keep working and working and working and if you don’t believe me, Slim Pickens was in a whole bunch of films and in each and every one of them played Slim Pickens.
Anyway…
I’m guessing that coal miner or Guantanamo Bay resident or overworked laborer would think my average day sounds pretty awesome and I only mention that because I’m also guessing your day would sound pretty much the same way to them.
Despite the fact that we have indoor toilets and electricity and generally speaking enough to eat, Americans still whine about their Lot in Life and I should know because I’m a Professional Whiner (I get paid to do it) and if we think we’ve got it tough maybe we should spend more time hanging out with a Ukrainian.
OK, we’re officially way off track here and what I meant to write about was reading that Joe Biden and Donald Trump had agreed to debate and the article speculated about debate preparation and I was hoping the debates don’t take place at 3 PM, because God in Her Infinite Wisdom has created a system in which I’m wide-awake at 2:15 AM for that trip to the bathroom and nodding off like a heroin-addicted Ben Mendelsohn at 2:15 PM.
Also, the cartoon is totally unfair because Donald Trump is 77 and only seems a lot younger than Biden because Trump apparently has ADD and some form of Tourette’s Mendaciousness which leads to uncontrolled lying and if you noticed, his lawyers didn’t want to put him on the stand during his Hush Money Trial because they knew he’d lie his ass off.
A tendency that is a detriment in a courtroom, but a valued skill in a debate and I don’t know if you’ve noticed this yet, but if you get in an argument and stick to the facts that’s a huge handicap if you happen to be arguing with someone who feels free to Make Shit Up and quote non-existent treaties and Bible verses and what President Ben Franklin had to say on the subject.
In any case…
Trump can seem tremendously energetic – like a Chihuahua that needs to pee starting 30 minutes ago – but turns out Trump’s only energetic when he’s the one talking and if he’s forced to shut the fuck up and listen to someone else he loses all interest.
And as long as we’re discussing the Future President of the Pathological Liar’s Association…
According to the internet, last year 42,967 people in the United States died in gun-related injuries, which is approximately 117.7 people per day which you’d think we might consider a problem unless you recently attended the National Rifle Association convention in Dallas, Texas and listened to Donald Trump give a speech.
According to Donald the real problem is Joe Biden and anyone who wants to make it even slightly harder for someone who is batshit crazy to get his and/or her hands on a gun.
OK, I just wrote “his and/or her” to be politically correct, but let’s face it, this is mainly a dude problem and more specifically, dudes who feel the need for penis-extenders like AR-15s and pit bulls named “Spike” and 4-wheel drive extended-cab pickups even though they live in the suburbs of a warm-weather city and never haul anything heavier than a set of golf clubs and their massive insecurity complex.
But just to be fair and show there are at least some females involved in this lunacy…
During the NRA convention Ana-Maria Ramos, a Texas state representative, was quoted as saying: “They don’t care that you’re scared to go to church, that you might get shot.” Yeah, shot by one of the borderline schizophrenics who only got his shaking hands on a gun because you fought enhanced background security checks.
As the above cartoon indicates, Donald Trump seems to be far more concerned about the guns than the people those guns kill.
Also…
I probably ought to stay out of Texas for a while.
You can't fix problems like gun deaths because we live in a world where the answer to a problem like uncomfortable bicycle seats is . . . special pants.
The four cartoons are a bonus and I particularly like the one of Michael Cohen sitting on his baggage. Lee, just think of all the material you will have to work with if Trump is reelected. It's a scary thought that I manage to repress most of the time and tell myself it just couldn't happen.....