Yesterday I took a friend to the Los Angeles Angels spring training complex and we saw Mike Trout signing autographs for fans which made me think of stories about autograph collectors because – according to a security guard – some fan complained that he couldn’t read Mike Trout’s signature, which prompted Trout to quit signing.
Autograph collecting can lead to good or bad experiences between fans and players and we tend to look at it from the fan’s perspective because we don’t understand the player’s.
Today, we’ll change that.
Moose Signs
So one day I walk into the Kansas City Royals clubhouse and Mike Moustakas is sitting next to a chest-high pile of boxes containing over a hundred baseballs and it’s Mike’s job to sign all of them. Teams use those signed baseballs in variety of ways like selling them in the stadium gift shop and Big League players are required to sign a metric shit ton of items each year.
I walk over and watch Mike sign and make the following observation:
“That does not say Mike Moustakas.”
To which Mike replies:
“Sure it does…big ‘M’ squiggle, big ‘M’ squiggle.”
Some players have started adding their uniform numbers to their signatures because they’re well aware their signatures are often illegible and adding those numbers helps fans remember who the hell signed that ball two seasons ago.
I ask Mike when he simplified his signature and he says:
“The first time I signed a ball M-I-K-E-M-O-U-S-T-A-K-A-S and it took me 15 minutes.”
That’s a signed Mike Moustakas ball and if anything his autograph has gotten even more undecipherable. But getting illegible signatures is pretty much our fault because these days athletes get so many requests to sign items that have to figure out a quick way to do it.
In what at least seems like an example of how crazy this has gotten, in the early 1980s I bought a Mickey Mantle signed baseball as a gift for friend who just had a baby and told him to give it to his new son as an investment, which was pretty damn smart of me because that ball cost me $100 and they’re now asking $3,999 for the same exact signed baseball on EBay.
Looks like Mickey didn’t have to sign as many baseballs as today’s players because The Mick used every letter in his name:
Although…I wasn’t all that smart because I just now realized I should have bought my friend’s new baby a teething ring or a blue jumper and kept the $4,000 ball for myself.
Frenchy and United Airlines
Jeff Francoeur overhears the conversation between me and Moose and tells me a story about doing an ad for United Airlines that showed his completely legible signature. Then one day he’s signing baseballs with the quick version – big “J” squiggle, big “F” squiggle, #12 – and a fan complains:
“Hey, I want the United Airlines signature.”
To which Jeff says:
“Give me United Airlines money.”
Asking someone for a favor and then complaining about the quality of the favor they do for you is one of the many reasons some athletes don’t like to sign autographs. They know they have to sign quickly because once they start signing more fans will come running and the athletes also know they probably can’t sign every item for every fan so someone will be disappointed when they stop signing and some disgruntled fans don’t mind insulting athletes if they don’t get their item autographed.
Imagine how you’d react if day after day people asked you to do something and then complained about how you did it and called you a name when you had to stop doing it so you could go do your real job: playing baseball.
After a while you just might say to hell with it, I’m not signing anymore.
I’d use Clint Hurdle’s nickname, but I’m not sure he has one
Back when Clint managed in the minor leagues I’d sometimes come to visit and we’d go to the ballpark incredibly early because managers have a lot to do to get ready for that night’s game, but no matter how early we showed up there would be one or two guys waiting outside the park with binders full of baseball cards.
One of the first times that happened Clint said: “No doubles.”
Afterwards I asked what that meant and he said some collectors want you to sign multiple items which lets you know they’re going to sell that stuff (if it was just for them, why would they need two signed baseball cards) so those professional autograph collectors are trying to make money off ballplayers.
Once I understood what the deal was, it always amused me when they’d look at me and frantically start leafing through their binders because maybe I was a former player and they had my card in their binder and then I could sign it and they could make 3 cents selling it.
Just checked EBay and if you hurry you can get a signed Jason Kendall baseball card for “$1 or best offer.”
And these professional autograph collectors would show up every day like it was their job (actually, it sorta was) so the same guy would ask Clint for yet another autograph every day because he was selling that stuff and generally speaking ballplayers want to be nice, but the greedy assholes ruin it for everyone.
How the Greedy Assholes Ruin It For Everyone
In my experience ballplayers will bend over backwards for kids and grownups who want autographs know this. So they use their kids to get what they want. Like giving a baseball to a six-year-old and telling him to ask a player for an autograph.
Jason Kendall once said he could tell when the baseball he signed for a kid was going to be taken away from the kid and sold because the parent standing in the background didn’t want the item “personalized” which means adding the kid’s name to his signature.
Since that pissed him off (most things do) Jason would make sure to ask the kid’s name and then add “FOR JIMMY” as big as he could and then think to himself, “Now try to sell that shit.”
Plus you’d have to bring in a handwriting expert, a gypsy fortune teller and an expert in hieroglyphics to convince anyone that actually says “Jason Kendall.”
One day I’m walking through the Kansas City Royals concourse before a game and there’s a teenage girl dressed like she’s an apprentice hooker (shorts way too short, blouse cut way too low and enough makeup to perform Kabuki theater) and her parents are arguing about what ballplayer she should approach next because they’re using Lolita to get signed baseballs.
OK, gotta admit I don’t know for sure they were her parents because considering how they were using her, they might have been her pimps. On the other hand, pimps or parents and maybe both, they were teaching her an important Life Lesson she’d remember forever:
WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING, USE SEX TO GET IT.
Yesterday, grown men stood in the hot sun for hours, hoping to get an autograph, probably “for their kids” they brought along to increase their chances, but the kids had totally lost interest and wandered off to play with some rocks in the dirt. The dads could tell themselves they were doing it “for their kids” but their kids clearly didn’t give a rat’s ass
So let’s say after reading all this you still want to collect autographs, but would like to avoid pissing off the players you approach, how do you do that?
How to ask for an autograph and not piss off a player
Be aware the players are working and may not have time to sign every autograph or sign at all and don’t be a dick when they have to get back to work or home in time to put their kids to bed.
Bring the item you want signed with you and make sure you have a pen to sign it with because ballplayers rarely walk around with Sharpies in their pockets.
If you get an autograph, say thank you. A basic courtesy a surprising number of autograph seekers fail to observe.
And for God’s Sake don’t complain about the quality of the autograph because the player did you a favor and if enough people complain, maybe next time he won’t sign at all.
OK, that it for today because we’re going to Tempe Diablo Stadium to see the Angels play the Reds and if we get there early enough maybe I can get “M” squiggle “T” squiggle #27’s autograph.
Just a fan. Football & My OLD Book. Author wants $20 to sign it #16 Len. I walked away. Anyone want it, no dust cover, unsigned. I read it 50 years ago. You can have it CHEAP?
I stopped asking for autographs when I was in my early 30s (it was Riverfront Stadium, so it was a while ago) when I realized I was competing with kids. I wanted the autograph for myself, but thought it was wrong for a grown adult to try to out compete a 10 year old. It'll mean more to him in 20 years than it would to me. I did pay to get Tony Perez's autograph at a show though. I told him "You were my favorite player. Thank you so much for making me happy so many times." I think he liked that. :)