Lately the news has been somewhat depressing if by “somewhat depressing” you actually mean “really really goddamn depressing” and generally speaking I like to think I’m part of the problem and not part of the solution.
But today I’m going to try and make you laugh for six minutes and 45 seconds (don’t worry, history suggests I’ll go back to being a dick in the very near future) and this story starts with me noticing a thumb drive that’s been part of the clutter on top of my dresser for years and wondering what was on the thumb drive because I couldn’t remember and finding this video I thought was lost forever.
But to appreciate the video, first you need the backstory.
Judging the Royals videos
In 2010 the Kansas City Star decided they wanted an online feature about the Royals and they asked three other people first and none of them wanted to do it, possibly because what the Star envisioned required a lot of work for not much money. Eventually they worked their way down their list, got to me and offered me the “opportunity.”
When I looked at what they had in mind (a convoluted online version of a scorebook that would tell you less than the scorecards they sell at ballparks along with those teeny tiny pencils designed for use by Lollipop Guild Members) I told them what they had in mind wasn’t all that great, so they asked me what I wanted to do instead.
Oh boy.
Most sports reporting focuses on “results” (Joe Blow hit a home run) and emotions (how Joe felt about the homer) and I wanted to focus on “process” (how and why Joe hit it).
It was and is my position that the more you know about baseball (and pretty much everything else with the possible exceptions of politics and the dietary restrictions of vegans) the more interesting it becomes and eventually I started making videos to explain what I was talking about and here we’ll take a short break and offer an example:
Making a tag on a runner trying to steal second base.
Old School Tags Versus New School Tags
With a runner on first base, before every pitch the middle infielders hide their mouths with their gloves so the opposing dugout can’t see them and the infielder in charge will show the other infielder a closed mouth (which stands for “me”—I’ll cover—because that’s the shape your mouth makes when you say the word “me” ) or an open mouth (which stands for “you”—you’ll cover—because that’s what your mouth looks like when you say the word “you”) and they have to do that because you don’t want two guys covering second base and you don’t want the other team to know which guy is covering second because back when guys actually worked on situational hitting, someone would hit a grounder through the empty side of the infield.
At least that’s how they used to do it; no idea how they’re doing it since they started using Buzz Lightyear headsets because so far no sports writer I’ve read has decided to write about it.
OK, so there’s the principle and when the infielder runs to cover second base he has two choices:
Old School Tags require the infielder to straddle the bag (which blocks off the sides) catch the throw and drop the tag straight down (which blocks the front of the bag) and if you’ve been counting, three sides of the bag are now blocked off and the only side of the bag that’s open is the back side of the bag which the runner can’t get to unless he’s somehow figured out how to make a U-turn while sliding.
But then some people got hurt because Old-School tags increase the chance of a collision and Major League Baseball cares a lot about Stars getting hurt because Stars sell tickets; Bench Players could set themselves on fire on the pitcher’s mound and MLB would probably schedule an extra commercial and find a sponsor:
“This self-immolation was brought to you by Bud Light! When you’re feeling hot and thirsty, ask for a Bud Light!”
New School Tags have the infielder come out in front of the bag (closer to home plate) to receive the throw, then try to spin and tag the runner which takes way more time and lots of runners are now safe when an Old School Tag would have gotten them out.
So now you can watch tags and decide if they’re done well or poorly.
OK, so that’s the kind of thing I’d turn into a video so people could see what I was talking about, which oddly enough brings us to the Mustangs of Embrach, Switzerland.
Teaching Swiss Kids About America’s Pastime
Just in case you don’t know and why would you; Embrach is a municipality in the district of Bulach in the canton of Zurich and yeah, I don’t know what any of that means either, but here’s a picture:
An American baseball fan was living in Switzerland and trying to teach Swiss kids how to play baseball and stumbled across my Judging the Royals videos and would show them to his Swiss players and eventually sent me an email asking if I could make a video showing his kids how to bunt.
So I asked Royals coach Rusty Kuntz if he’d be willing to demonstrate and Rusty said sure and we made a bunting video.
Now I’m getting how-to video requests from Switzerland and fulfilling some of them so Swiss kids can learn baseball and to say thanks, the Embrach Mustangs sent a box of team hats and a sweatshirt—as you can see, I kept the sweatshirt—and handed out the hats to the players who helped make videos.
Next, Royals GM Dayton Moore heard about all this and sent a bunch of Kansas City Royals gear to the Embrach Mustangs so if you’re ever walking around Embrach, Switzerland and see an unusual number of Royals hats, now you know why.
Then two of the Embrach Mustangs flew to Kansas City (as far as they were concerned, the baseball center of the universe) to meet me and watch the Royals play and hitting coach Kevin Seitzer set them up to throw out the first pitch.
Rusty Kuntz dropped by and gave them first-pitch advice (try to throw the ball just over the catcher’s head because you’re going to be tight and nervous and more likely to short-arm the throw and spike the ball) and afterwards I took the kids out for B-B-Q and while I don’t think they actually believed they’d died and gone to heaven, I do believe they thought they’d come pretty damn close.
And now…
The Dining with Drew Videos
The word “hustler” has some negative definitions: con man, prostitute, city council member, but it also means people who “hustle” – an enterprising person; a go-getter – and if there’s anything sports has taught me it’s that you can always hustle and make the most out of an opportunity.
So I appreciate guys like Drew Butera and Peter Moylan.
Like all smart players who don’t make enough money from playing baseball to never ever work again, Drew had some post-career ideas and one of them was “Dining With Drew” and since I had become the “video guy” he asked me to join him and we’d go to KC restaurants, eat great food and talk baseball.
Then Drew said we should include Royals relief pitcher Peter Moylan because Peter’s hilarious.
Peter made it to the Big Leagues when he pitched for the Australian team in the 2006 World Baseball Classic and struck out Bobby Abreu, Marco Scutero, Ramon Hernandez and Maglio Ordonez. The Atlanta Braves saw that and invited Peter to spring training, he signed, eventually pitched for the Braves (more than once), Dodgers, Astros and Royals, where I met him and he quickly became one of my favorite players to talk to because Drew was right, Peter’s hilarious.
The Blooper Video
So now we’re going to shoot a video in a craft beer shop and eat some meat-filled pastry popular in Australia, but Peter’s making us laugh so hard we’re screwing up takes so I eventually said we need to make a blooper video.
A couple things worth knowing before you watch it:
The reference to getting high is about Peter being able to smell marijuana from the stands when he was in the Seattle Mariners visiting bullpen, then he does an Australian “bogan” accent (someone who is “unrefined and unsophisticated”) in which the words were totally indecipherable, he explains the “Hey Girl!” signal he and Eric Hosmer used to make each other laugh during games and in the final scene he’s showing us pictures on his phone and scrolling through them, but we cut out the part where Peter was saying:
“Girlfriend…girlfriend…girlfriend…dick pic…girlfriend.”
And when we burst out laughing Peter looked up with perfect comic timing and said very innocently:
“Not my dick.”
Which made us laugh so hard we cried and it was the funniest thing Peter said all day, but we decided we couldn’t use a dick pic joke in the video because it was going on the Star’s website, so I think we should all take a moment to thank the internet for having such low standards and allowing me to tell that story.
And now you can watch the video.
Enjoy the next six minutes and 45 seconds because odds are the rest of your day is probably going to suck.
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