The Crying Cashier

A story about technology, jobs and toilet-paper using bears...

So the other day I’m in my local grocery store and ever since the Bronze Age they’ve had a 10-items-or-less check-out lane, but this time the 10-items-or-less check-out lane was gone and had been replaced by four self-checkout stands.

So I take my three items to another counter which has no space for shopping carts so you can’t buy a week’s worth of canned Hormel chili and Charmin’ toilet paper (and if you buy one, you’re definitely going to need the other) because to check out at that counter you have to be able to carry all your items in your hands or a basket and the very nice woman who’s been a cashier there for decades tells me she’s been told she can’t help anyone who isn’t buying liquor or the cigarettes they keep behind that counter.

I say: “They’re trying to force us to use those self-checkout stands, aren’t they?”

And she starts crying.

Time-out for those Charmin’ Bears

The writers on Seinfeld figured out they could talk about taboo subjects that would normally make TV censors go batshit crazy as long as they came up with euphemisms for those taboo subjects and that’s how the effects of cold on the male sexual organ became known as “shrinkage” and men Elaine would accept as sexual partners became “spongeworthy” and people who could abstain from masturbating were “masters of their domain” and you could talk about homosexuality as long as you included the phrase “not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Those Seinfeld euphemisms were a way to get around the censors and apparently cartoon characters serve the same purpose.

A thought that occurred to me the first time I watched a commercial featuring the Charmin’ Bears which advertised the fact that little pieces of Charmin’ toilet paper would not stick to a Bear’s ass and to prove it they had a little cartoon bear wave his furry ass in my face.

Now imagine shooting that ad with live humans and ask yourself just how far you’d get if the ad starred John Lithgow and the fact that John Lithgow was the actor who came to mind mildly concerns me and really ought to concern John Lithgow.  

And now back to our crying cashier

That crying cashier was smart enough to realize if we all start using those self-checkout stands eventually her company could start firing people and those are the same people we called “heroes” when the pandemic started because clerks and cashiers showed up to do their jobs so the rest of could buy as much Charmin’ toilet paper and bottled water as we could hoard and now we’re getting ready to fire those “heroes” which is bad enough, but Corporate America isn’t honest enough to say this is actually about the people at the top making even more money, so they paint self-checkout stands and delivery robots as something they’re doing for our convenience.

As someone pointed out when all this started: 5G isn’t really about improving your phone service, it’s about providing enough bandwidth so Corporate America can use more robots and fire more people.

(The cartoon at the top of this post makes fun of Republicans for doing whatever their party wants them to do, but you gotta give Republicans credit for being well-organized which sounds pretty good until you remember they said the same thing about Fascism and Mussolini.)

So what happens once they fire everybody?

OK, so Corporate America wants to fire as many people as possible and replace them with robots and self-checkout stands and the last time I went to the airport, travelers were expected to go to a kiosk and get a luggage tag and tag their bags themselves (and I’m going to quit traveling once they start asking us to fly the airplanes) but robots don’t buy stuff unless they’re Arnold Schwarzenegger and then he just takes it so who’s going to keep the economy going if nobody has jobs?

Gig workers.

Apparently, the super-rich envision a future where nobody has a full-time job and we’re all Uber drivers, freelancers or part-timers which means Corporate America won’t have to worry about pensions or health care and the rest of will make just enough money to rent our clothes.

And, yes, you heard that right.

Google “The Great Reset” and you’ll find articles about the super-rich going to Davos, Switzerland for the World Economic Forum and coming up with slogans like: “You’ll own nothing and be happy about it” which is an actual idea they’re promoting and sounds like something George Orwell forgot to put in his novel Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Google “You’ll own nothing and be happy about it” (apparently they forgot to add “or else”) and you’ll find some really scary shit like the idea that us peons will own absolutely nothing and the rich will be happy rent us absolutely everything, including our clothes and they plan on having this new economy in place by 2030 – eight short years from now – and if you’re saying that’s ridiculous, I’m sorry to inform you there are already clothing rental companies.

It might be ridiculous, but it’s already happening.

Also, you used to be able to buy Photoshop (which I need to produce printable cartoons) but now I have to rent it and pay whatever exorbitant monthly fee they demand for the rest of my life.

I also remember when it sounded ridiculous that I’d have to pay a monthly fee to watch TV because I’m old enough to remember when you bought a TV and plugged it in and you could watch all the TV you wanted for free (assuming you were OK with just 3 channels and whatever weird shit was being shown when you switched to the UHF dial).  

Just in case you’re interested in renting someone else’s Fruit of the Looms, here’s a website:

https://www.byrdie.com/best-clothing-rental-services-4788049

Good news; according to this website you’ll be able to rent your clothes for $200 a month and you’ll have to keep renting them or give their clothes back which means I’d owe them $91,200 for a pair of Tony Lama cowboy boots I’ve had since 1984.

Ned Beatty tried to warn us

In the 1976 film Network, Ned Beatty gave one of the greatest movie speeches ever in which he explained that in reality there are no nations and anyone who still thinks in those terms is living in the past because nations have been replaced by corporations.

If you haven’t seen this speech your Life and Education are incomplete so here you go and you won’t spend a better five minutes and 12 seconds doing anything unless you belong to one of those Eyes Wide Shut orgy clubs (and if you do I’m sure you must pay a hefty monthly membership fee):

But apparently we’re slow learners so Ned once again tried to tell us the truth in the 2007 film Shooter in which he plays Senator Charles F. Meachum and is asked what side he’s on and here’s what Ned had to say about that:

“There are no sides. There are no Sunnis and Shiites. There’s no Democrats and Republicans. There’s only haves and have-nots.”

Which is much more accurate way to think about the World and helps you understand why things are the way they are and why the “haves” keep us “have-nots” busy fighting each other over what’s taught in 2nd Grade while they decide how much we need to pay to rent a pair of socks.

Unfortunately, Ned has been convincingly portraying a dead guy for almost a year now so he can’t warn us again and anytime someone tells you this is about freedom or pride or customer convenience you need to remember it’s always about just one thing:

Money.

Luddite line-drawing

According to the infallible internet, Luddites took their name from a weaver named Ned Ludd (although if you look at too many articles you’ll find one that says Ned didn’t actually exist and I have no idea why the possibly mythical Ned is dressed like my grandmother) and Luddites were and maybe are people opposed to new technology because it disrupts their way of life and costs them jobs and according to the internet it started in 1811 when textile workers destroyed machinery that threatened their jobs so if you do the same thing today are you a bassackward nincompoop?

(And when you look up anything on Google you’ll get a series of questions labeled “people also ask” and one of the Luddite questions was: “what do you call a person who is not good with technology?” and the obvious answer is “Dad.”)

That being the case I asked my son where do you draw the line on opposing new technology – he thinks about this stuff all the time – and he said:

“When the new technology hurts more people than it helps.”

And new technology is definitely going to hurt The Crying Cashier.

As always, the real problem is extremism

Go deep enough down the Great Reset Rabbit Hole and pretty soon you’re hearing theories about government making us slaves and there was no pandemic or need to get vaccinated and while I don’t want the government telling me how often I need to floss my teeth I also don’t want no government because that’s how you wind up with Flint, Michigan bottled water that comes directly from the scenic Love Canal.

So while some technological advances are good, that doesn’t mean they all are and one of the problems that came up when we were social distancing is the discovery that most of us need to be around other people and there is some value in having a human behind the counter when you buy all that Charmin’ toilet paper.

So make sure you say hi to your local grocery cashier because next time you go shopping she may be gone.

http://kingfeatures.com/comics/editorial-cartoons-a-z/