The Curse of Creativity

A story about a wandering (and wondering) mind...

I believe I’ve mentioned this before and I’m clearly about to mention it again, so hang onto your metaphorical hats, buuut…most people think being “creative” is a good and universally popular trait, an attitude which indicates “most people” don’t live with someone “creative” because apparently it’s a huge pain in the ass.

That’s because “creative” people aren’t thinking about paying bills or replacing worn-out washing machines or exactly how many kids they have or the fact that their fifth wedding anniversary is next week and the traditional gift is “wood” and it’s probably good it’s the fifth anniversary gift and not the 35^th anniversary gift because at that point “wood” might no longer be possible.

There’s an off-color joke right there if you think about it, and that’s part of the problem: “creative” people are thinking about stuff most people don’t, which – if you keep it up long enough – is incredibly irritating to the people in your life who think you should be paying attention and not thinking about really dumb stuff.

Like…

How Did the People of Gotham Not Know Bruce Wayne Was Batman?

Due to my son’s influence (he’s got a blog about movies called JUDGEMOVIES on the Patreon platform and if you need something entertaining to listen to, he’s got you covered) I recently watched all eight live-action Batman movies in order (there are much worse ways to spend your time and I know for sure because I’ve tried most of them) and while re-watching those Batman movies a few things occurred to me like the Bat Signal not working unless there are clouds in the night sky.

Which seems like a serious design flaw because you can only get Batman’s help on overcast nights.

But wait…there’s more.

So you’re Commissioner Gordon and you fire up the Bat Signal and, depending on rush hour traffic, Batman shows up 20 minutes later so you know:

1. He lives within 20 minutes of downtown Gotham.

2. Has to be rich to afford all his Batcars and Batboats and Batplanes.

3. Has to be single to be available to answer the Bat signal at 2 AM.

4. Is between 30 and 40 years old.

5. Is about 6 feet tall not counting the ears and is in good shape.

I’m guessing Gotham didn’t have that many rich, eligible bachelors who fit all that criteria, so think about it for two minutes and you’d go:

“Holy shit! Bruce Wayne is Batman!”

And don’t get me started on Superman’s shitty disguise – glasses – and the morons who worked with Clark Kent and didn’t spot the remarkable similarities.

This is Superman…

And according to his co-workers this is a totally different dude…

I actually spent time thinking about all this when I probably should have been reading my mom’s will and renewing my library card and figuring out what Medicare Insurance program I’m going to enroll in next year, but frankly it was way more fun to think about Batman.

And now…

Why Soccer Is Popular

According to the World Atlas, soccer is the most popular sport on the Face of the Planet Earth with 4 billion fans and I have no idea who did the counting, but that seems like an awful lot of fans because whenever I watch a soccer match or game or joust (I clearly need to do more research, but won’t) it seems like a sport in which a great many things almost happen.

One team is driving toward the opponent’s goal and the crowd gets really excited until a pass is intercepted and then the ball heads back the other way and everybody settles back down until the other team gets near their opponent’s goal until yet another pass gets intercepted and this goes on for 90 minutes which doesn’t count the time spent watching players put on an Actor’s Workshop every time they come within three feet of an opponent and then spend more time pretending to die than Romeo and  Juliet combined.

According to www.statista.com there are an average of 2.6 goals per game and since games last about two hours when you include the method-acting scenes, that’s about one goal every 46 minutes which makes baseball seem fast-paced and action-packed.

So what’s the dang deal on that?

Just a theory (which is exactly how Jimmy the Greek wound up taking early retirement, a joke dependent on you remembering dumb shit people shouldn’t say out loud) but all you need to play soccer is a ball and a semi-flat spot and some way of creating a goal which can be two rocks with a goalie in-between, so lots of people around the world can play some form of soccer which you can’t say about American football.

Basketball, you just need a ball and a hoop so it’s also popular worldwide; American football, ice hockey and Formula 1 racing, not so much.

Football was my sport in high school and once I graduated and discovered colleges were not lining up to give scholarships to players who managed to combine the twin attributes of being both small (comparatively) and slow (you could compare me to an Amana upright freezer and I’d still be comparatively slow) my main sports became skiing and softball and eventually baseball because there weren’t 21 guys in my neighborhood that had helmets, shoulder pads and a deep desire to butt heads. 

So my theory is this: a sport’s global popularity depends to some degree on how much equipment is required to play it, which leads us to what may be yet another half-assed conclusion and this one’s about race versus culture.

You Can’t Walk Off The Island

Latin baseball players often have the reputation of being free-swingers which has nothing to do with their social lives and everything to do with their willingness to swing at marginal pitches. That’s Vlad Guerrero who once got a hit on a pitch that bounced.

The free-swinging reputation may or may not be deserved; in 2023 – the last full season played – the player who walked the most was Juan Soto (Dominican Republic) but he was the only Latin player in the top 10 when it came to walks and the top 10 players in strikeouts included four Latin ballplayers which means six non-Latin players also did a lot of swinging and missing, so draw our own conclusion and you’d probably be smart not to draw one.

Since I’m not that smart:

Talk to Latin ballplayers about their reputation for a willingness to swing the bat and you might hear: “You can’t walk off the island.”

If you get a chance to play in front of a Big League scout, swing the damn bat. Play with flair and do something impressive because walks won’t do the trick and if you don’t believe the Latin ballplayers, just ask Mahatma Gandhi who walked a lot and yet never got a single offer to play pro ball.

In yet another unsolicited opinion, I think we mistake a lot of cultural differences for racial differences and when you hear the logical explanations they make a lot of sense and have nothing to do with race.

Why “Play Misty For Me” Was the Scariest Movie Ever Made

In 1975 Stephen King published Salem’s Lot – a story about modern day vampires – and it was the scariest vampire story I ever read because it happened right here in modern America. I don’t spend a lot of time in Romania or hanging out in old castles, so I’m not all that worried about Count Dracula, although if I keep listening to Donald Trump talk about immigrants I might start getting concerned.

But when Stephen King introduced the idea that a vampire might grab you when you take out the garbage at night, that was much scarier because I thought:

“Hey, I take out the garbage at night, so maybe it could happen to me.”

Which is the same reasoning that made Play Misty For Me the scariest movie ever made because Clint Eastwood had a one-night stand with a lunatic who then decided to start stabbing people who were keeping her from hooking up with Clint again and when I watched it thought:

“Hey, I have had one-night stands with lunatics.”

(And any woman who hooked up with me on short notice definitely had some wires crossed.)

Although now that I think about Salem’s Lot being set in 1975, it gets a lot less scary because the vampires would be wearing platform shoes, bell bottoms and have their hair “permed” and the lesson here is you never want to be on the cutting edge of fashion because you might wind up needing stitches.

Also…

Carry a crucifix and some Holy Water when you take the garbage out at night.

In Conclusion

I’ve got a lot more “Things I Was Thinking About When I Was Supposed To Be Thinking About Something Else” examples and depending on your reaction to this essay this might become a regular feature, but if you didn’t like it, don’t blame me…

I’m creative.