Try to get your mind around this: according to a Washington Post story that was published in the Kansas City Star, after the Uvalde, Texas school shooting that took 21 lives, there were 14 more mass shootings.
The story was published in the Star on Tuesday, which means the earliest it could have been written was Monday, so odds are there have been more mass shootings that didn’t occur in time to make the story.
Over the Memorial Day weekend alone, there were 11 mass shootings.
A mass shooting is defined as four or more people being shot or killed – not counting the shooter – and the fact that I know that without looking it up tells you maybe we’ve had way too many mass shootings.
And the fact that I didn’t know there had been 14 more mass shootings since Uvalde, tells you we’ve gotten so used to the violence that unless the shooter tries to make the Guinness Book of World Records, the majority of mass shootings don’t even register.
The Gun Lobby and the People Who Suck Up to Them Playbook has been to offer thoughts and prayers and moments of silence, but stall long enough for the rest of us to lose momentum and interest and then make sure jackshit is done about gun violence, because the Founding Fathers guaranteed everybody – even the knuckleheads – the right to walk around packing heat which means a simple argument that might have ended with a “fuck you” or a bloody nose can escalate into a Gunfight at the Definitely-Not O.K. Corral.
And since the Gun Lobby and the People Who Suck Up to Them are hoping we get distracted and start talking about gas prices instead, I chose to draw yet another cartoon about guns and point out that if you refuse to do anything about mass shootings and then try to claim you’re Pro-Life, you’re full of shit.
(Geez…I sound angry. I wonder why.)
And for my next trick, I’ll insult those Founding Fathers
According to the internet, the U.S. Constitution was signed on September 17th, 1787 and ever since then we’ve been arguing about what the Founding Fathers actually intended and I think you’ve gotta ask yourself why.
On a wide variety of issues, the Founding Fathers were a bunch of ignorant dumbbells and what seemed right and true in 1787 might be completely outdated 235 years later.
The Founding Fathers didn’t think Black people were real people or women were smart enough to vote and if they went to a doctor, the doctor might believe the shape of their skulls was a guide to their mental faculties and character traits (the theory was called “phrenology” and according to the internet stayed popular throughout the 19th century) and I think maybe they got that last one right because when it comes to guns, so many people are pinheads.
So here’s what the Founding Fathers had to say about guns in the Second Amendment (and apparently nobody thought to ask what the Founding Mothers had to say on the subject):
“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
OK, so there’s the Second Amendment and some people act like Moses wrote it on a stone tablet and if it was divinely inspired you gotta wonder why God forgot to put a hyphen between “well” and “regulated.”
As much as they like the Second Amendment, even Second-Amendment Cheerleaders ignore the bit about “well regulated Militia” because that kinda sounds like being in the Army and while they like the guns and uniforms, they don’t seem to be nearly so enthusiastic about getting up at the Butt Crack of Dawn and doing calisthenics while some psychopath in a Smokey the Bear hat screams at them (hey, I just re-watched Full Metal Jacket so if you wear a Smokey the Bear Hat and aren’t a psychopath, give me a break) or going to some War Zone where somebody might shoot back.
Also…if you’re actually in the military you’re expected to follow orders and the guys in charge might frown on storming the Capitol and trying to overthrow the government because the Celebrity Moron you like lost an election.
So guns and uniforms, yes; discipline and exercise and following orders, no.
Anyway…
When the Founding Fathers wrote the Second Amendment, “Arms” (and you gotta wonder why the spelling-impaired Founding Fathers capitalized that word) mostly consisted of pistols and muskets that took a Month of Sundays to load and fire and according to the internet, here’s what you had to do:
1. You poured powder from a powder horn down the barrel of the gun.
2. You then rammed a lead ball down the barrel of the gun so it sat on top of the powder.
3. Next you poured a different kind of powder from a different powder horn into the pan of the musket.
4. Then you pulled back the hammer and closed the “frizzen” which sounds like a word Professor Irwin Corey would use, but is actually: “An L-shaped piece of steel hinged at the rear used in flintlock firearms, positioned over the flash pan so to enclose a small priming charge of black powder.”
5. Then you rubbed two sticks together to start a fire.
6. And finally, you kissed your ass goodbye because while you were doing the first five steps, some Redcoat had shoved a bayonet up your backside.
If we really want to adhere to what the Founding Fathers intended, you could own as many muskets as you like, but the weapon manufacturers didn’t stop there and here’s a list of “Arms” that are currently available and let’s see if you really think the right to keep and bear arms should not be infringed:
Handguns.
Rifles.
Semi-automatic rifles. (Pull the trigger once and it shoots one bullet.)
Fully-automatic rifles. (Pull the trigger and it keeps firing until the trigger is released.)
Hand grenades.
Land mines.
Flame throwers.
Bazookas.
Howitzers.
Tanks.
Predator drones.
Jet fighters.
Nuclear missiles.
If at some point you said, “Wait, nobody needs a bazooka” (and Jesus, I really hope you said that before you got to bazookas) then just like me you believe that the right to keep and bear arms has limits and now we’re just arguing about where to draw the line.
BTW: An irate reader once called me up and complained about a gun-control cartoon, so I asked him if he thought he had the right to own a cruise missile and Albert Einstein said no, because he couldn’t “bear” it.
So then I asked if he thought he could own any weapon he could lift, which would mean Arnold Schwarzenegger could own weapons forbidden to Woody Allen.
I’m not sure what the irate reader’s answer would have been, because somewhere during the conversation he realized he didn’t want to talk to me as much as he initially thought he did and hung up on me.
The idea that we should be limited to whatever the Founding Fathers intended is a horseshit argument because the Founding Fathers didn’t intend for Black people and women to vote, which – come to think of it – would probably be just fine with a fair number of Conservatives and Gun Nuts.
So if you want to stop mass shootings and gun violence, you need to stay pissed off and if you can’t do that on your own, I’m happy to help.
And try to avoid any gatherings of four or more people.
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Excellent - Especially the opening cartoon