By now we’re all aware of the people who consider themselves “patriots” and more “American” than the rest of us.
The “patriots” profess their love for America over and over again, fly flags at every opportunity, get screaming eagle tattoos, put “Don’t Tread On Me” bumper stickers on their pickups, cry every time they hear “God Bless The USA” and today seems like a good time to ask just what those “patriots” love about America.
It isn’t the First Amendment because that gives people the right to free speech and religion and to assemble and if you say something the “patriots” don’t like they’ll go batshit crazy and if you use a prayer rug when you pray they’ll tell you to go back where you came from and if you assemble to protest and they don’t like you protesting, they’ll send in the National Guard and/or the Marines and start lobbing tear gas in your general direction to get you to shut the fuck up.
And the “patriots” don’t like the Third Amendment either because that says there’s no quartering of soldiers in homes and a lot of these “patriots” like to dress up like pretend soldiers while lounging around their mancaves watching the NFL and if they could get a Navy Seal for a roommate they’d not only quarter him, they wouldn’t charge him rent.
The “patriots” also don’t like the Fourth Amendment because that protects people from unreasonable search and seizures and they prefer to grab people they don’t like off the streets.
And the “patriots” don’t like the Fifth Amendment because that entitles people to due process and they don’t want you to have that either.
And the “patriots” are not crazy about the Sixth Amendment because that entitles people to a speedy and public trial and they’d rather just send them off to a shithole prison in El Salvador.
And the “patriots” are not fans of the Eighth Amendment which protects Americans against cruel and unusual punishment because they tend to be fans of both and would pay good money to see Liberals thrown to a pack of rabid Chihuahuas.
The 12th Amendment outlines the process for electing the president and the “patriots” tried to overthrow the government when that process gave them a president they didn’t like.
And the 13th Amendment ended slavery and you know the “patriots” wouldn’t mind owning a few people with the right skin tone and occasionally fly a Confederate flag to prove it.
The 15th Amendment granted all citizens the right to vote and the “patriots” fought and continue to fight that idea with every underhanded tactic they can dream up.
And the “patriots” hate the 16th Amendment because it gave Congress the right to levy an income tax. (OK, give them credit…they got one right.)
And the 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote so you know the “patriots” are not crazy about that one either because women should be barefoot and pregnant and sport a black eye whenever they get too “lippy.”
And the “patriots” would like to abolish the 22nd Amendment because it limits Donald Trump to two terms.
After re-reading all 27 Constitutional Amendments, the “patriots” are opposed to most of them with the glaring exception of the Second Amendment and possibly the 21st Amendment (it made it OK to drink alcohol again) so if you’re racist, sexist, antisemitic, xenophobic, homophobic and when it comes right down to it, only like democracy when your side wins, you hate most of what American stands for so how the fuck are you a “patriot”?
Waving a flag doesn’t make them patriots, it makes them phonies.
In one of those man-I-hope-you’ve-been-paying-attention-to-the-news cartoon ideas, two events came together to inspire one cartoon:
Last Friday an appeals court ruled that Donald Trump could ban the Associated Press from places like the Oval Office, Mar-a-Lago and Air Force One.
Last Saturday the horse Sovereignty beat the horse Journalism in the Belmont Stakes, just like it did in the Kentucky Derby.
Turns out, Trump was pissed off at the Associated Press because they continued calling the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of Mexico even after Trump decided it should be called the Gulf of America and the AP’s refusal to bow down to our Petulant President got them singled out for punishment and makes me and possibly you think less of the news organizations that caved in to the whims of a World-Class Jerk.
Also…
I just got a group email from the executive editor of the Associated Press and she said they’re appealing the latest decision because the AP thinks it’s a bad idea for the president to decide who can cover him and ban the ones that won’t kiss his ass.
As a number of people have noted, Trump has two standards for protesters: if they attack the capitol and fight the police and try to overthrow the government so he can become a king, he’s OK with that and if people with more sense aren’t, he’ll give those violent protesters pardons.
But if they’re protesting him and his un-Constitutional policies, they’re scum of the earth and should not only go to jail, but if at all possible, be buried under it.
I spent some time thinking about the cartoon’s labeling and while there are certainly exceptions (more on that shortly) the people on the Left who are organizing the protests are telling people not to be violent because it will just play into the Republicans hands and they want tomorrow’s No Kings protests to be peaceful and when Donald Trump sent his MAGA Morons to attack the capitol, he urged them to “fight like hell.”
One group wants a peaceful protest, the president wanted violence.
When Trump sent the National Guard to California, the governor of the state and mayor of LA said it was totally unnecessary and was escalating tensions and making things worse, not better.
An article whose origins I’ve forgotten (probably the Associated Press, I read them a lot) said Trump sending the National Guard to a state that didn’t request it was only the second time in American History that had happened and the first time was LBJ sending the National Guard down South to protect civil rights protesters.
One more time…
LBJ wanted to protect the protesters and lots of people (including me) think Trump wants to provoke the protesters because it’s a tried and untrue tactic the Right uses to get people to conform: scare the shit out of them and then say, “See? These people are out of control and a danger, but we’ll protect you and all you have to do is pass the Patriot Act and let the FBI spy on you and the CIA assassinate the occasionally problematic and overly-articulate critic and if you don’t say yes, maybe we should be looking at your email, too.”
Today’s Lesson
You can’t get people together without some of them being knuckleheads and carrying things too far – The Who had Keith Moon, Led Zeppelin had John Bonham, the 12 Disciples had Judas Iscariot – and I know some of you plan to attend tomorrow’s No Kings rallies, but be aware the governors of Missouri and Texas have called out the National Guard “just in case” there’s trouble and in my opinion if there isn’t trouble they’ll be disappointed.
They want you to throw shit and spit on the cops and justify the head-breaking they’re dying to do and then they can show videos of protesters being violent and go all Jack Nicholson—“You want me on that wall! You need me on that wall!”— and argue they’re the only thing standing between you and chaos.
If you think about it – and I just did – the Civil Rights marches were successful because people like the Associated Press showed up to record what happened and show it to the world (no wonder journalists often get attacked by “mistake”) and what the world saw was peaceful marchers getting attacked by the police and after that it was pretty clear who the good guys and bad guys really were.
So if you show up at one of the many rallies taking place tomorrow:
Be cool and be safe.
You are spot on with this one, Lee. Thank you!
It’s a terrible fact but at this time in my life and in this country every time I see a flag being flown at someone’s home without it being a holiday my first thought is “Trumper”.
Another quality post Lee.
Have a great weekend.