Like a lot of you I have a basement packed with crap we’ve totally forgotten about and will never use again, but don’t throw away because we (or a family member) are convinced that someday we’ll really need that third-grade science project our now 38-year-old son worked on or those skis we haven’t been on since the Reagan Administration or those Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtle action figures that we’re hoping will someday be worth more than Van Gogh’s Ear.
But just the other day, while digging through a mountain of useless crap, I came across a manila envelope labeled “REJECTS.”
These are cartoon ideas that got rejected by the Kansas City Star and once you see them you’ll understand why.
And we’ll start with…
Trump’s Swearing In
Donald Trump expressed the opinion that if you were famous enough you could grab women by the vagina and get away with it.
After that enlightening statement, I mistakenly thought there was no way in Hell Trump could get elected president and I was obviously wrong because I had severely underestimated just how far our standards had fallen and would continue to fall.
We’ve reached the point where Ron DeSantis recently said Trump getting indicted was a huge advantage for Trump and now I’m going to sound like every old guy ever when I say I can remember when a politician getting indicted was considered a bad thing.
Anyway…
Trump won so I imagined what would happen if Ruth Bader Ginsburg administered the oath of office:
Palin Packin’
National dipshit Sarah Palin was asked if she had ever been sexually harassed and she said that wasn’t a problem because people know she’s “packing.”
Which if you think about – and apparently she didn’t – is pretty moronic because it implies that if someone made an off-color remark or touched Palin inappropriately, her response would be to pull out a gun and start blasting. (OK, upon further reflection Sarah Palin just might do that, so I take it all back.)
That being the case, is the answer to sexual harassment carrying a gun?
I googled “sexual harassment at the NRA” because you’d think pretty much everybody there would have access to guns and sure enough an NRA official was accused of sexually harassing an employee and an NRA vendor so apparently having firearms available doesn’t stop sexual harassment. Here’s that story if you want to read it:
https://www.propublica.org/article/nra-wrestled-with-harassment-allegations-against-top-official
Before we got to know her, millions of American males considered Palin a MILF, but after some exposure to her ideas, thought process and level of stupidity, she became a MILFALAIDHTLTHT (Mom I’d Like to Fuck As Long As I Don’t Have To Listen To Her Talk).
When I was young and foolish physical attraction was enough, but as I got older and wiser I started recognizing Crazy Coming Down The Street and realized a few hours of physical pleasure (OK, more like three-and-a-half minutes…but a great three-and-a-half minutes) were not worth the consequences. Like lying next to Sarah in the afterglow, smoking cigarettes and having to hear her describe Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride and in 2011 here’s how she did it:
"He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."
(Makes Pornhub and masturbating seem like a reasonable alternative, doesn’t it?)
In any case, after Sarah made her statement about why she didn’t get sexually harassed, I decided to illustrate just what she was packing:
Meryl Streep’s Foot
In 2017 Meryl Streep was given a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Golden Globes and she took the opportunity to call out bullying in general and Donald Trump specifically for making fun of a disabled reporter.
While my family background makes me an extremely poor judge of what’s “classy” (there were episodes of Hee Haw that struck us as overly sophisticated) it seems to me Meryl Streep ought to have her picture next to the word “classy” in the dictionary and if Meryl Streep thinks you behaved badly that’s like Glinda Good Witch of the North saying you seem like kind of a dick.
Here’s a short video of Meryl calling out Donald Trump for being a cruel bully:
After Streep’s speech I took the opportunity to illustrate Trump’s next proctologist’s appointment:
Hitler’s Home
Sometime in 2016 someone decided it would be a good idea to tear down Hitler’s birthplace which inspired me to suggest another fascist shrine be torn down and we’ll get to that in a minute.
These cartoon ideas were conceived before I got dumped by the Star in 2017 so I got interested in what eventually happened with Hitler’s home and just looked it up and it turns out the government got involved and then people started arguing about what should be done and some people said Hitler and His House should be eradicated from History which contradicts Holocaust Survivors insistence that “We should never forget.”
Other people argued it should be kept standing, but used for some “life-affirming purpose” and meanwhile the German government was paying the people who owned the building to not rent it out to some fascist organization like the National Socialists or the Membership Committee of a Country Club or the GOP.
The latest thing I could find on Hitler’s birthplace was a 2019 story from NPR that said it was going to be redesigned and turned into a Fox News bureau:
(OK, I totally made up the bit about the Fox News bureau and you’d think I wouldn’t have to explain that it was a joke, but some people think Donald Trump should be back in the White House and Sarah Palin is still bangable and wouldn’t mind hearing her describe what happened during the War of 1812.)
Trump’s Hands
Marco Rubio got tired of Donald Trump calling him “little Marco” and pointed out that for a big guy, Donald Trump has very small hands and then added: “And you know what they say about men with small hands” implying that Trump also had a small penis. Looking back it’s amazing that neither Abraham Lincoln nor Stephen Douglas took the opportunity to win their debates by talking about the size of their opponent’s dick.
They just didn’t know how to conduct a political debate back then, did they?
The implication that small hands means a small penis bothered Trump and being a really classy guy Trump started showing crowds his hands and saying, “there is no problem.” And I’m really sorry this feud had to end because if Marco Rubio had kept it up I’m guessing we had a 60/40 chance of a presidential candidate pulling his dick out on stage.
I used the news that Trump was increasing the size of our nuclear arsenal to remind people that his small hands might explain why he felt that was necessary:
OK, that’s all I got today and I need to go through the rest of the cartoon sketches and see what else is in there, but in the meantime:
Does anyone want to buy some Teenage Mutant Turtle Action figures?
Laughed at the rejects. Can hardly wait to see the "good" ones.
This piece was just what I needed. It provided me a chance to get a little better grip on my sanity!