The World According to AARP

And now that we have my lame-ass movie-title pun out of the way…

On more than one occasion the American Association of Retired People has provided me with top-grade comedy material by sending me emails which I mentally file under the general heading of “Shit You Forgot to Worry About” and they did it again with an email entitled:

“10 Early Warning Signs of Dementia You Shouldn’t Ignore”

But first, a disclaimer:

I’m well aware that dementia is a serious problem and a tragedy for those it strikes, but I kinda agree with Joan Rivers’ reaction when she told a Helen Keller joke and some guy in the audience yelled that it wasn’t funny because he had a deaf child. Joan said she was trying to get through life with a sense of humor because it helped her and others deal with their problems and he was a jerk for trying to bring everybody else down.

Joan then went on to make a joke about 9/11, Osama Bin Laden and kidney dialysis; subjects not known for their comedy potential, but Joan made everyone laugh anyway.

I’ve posted it before, but if you want to watch Joan do all that again, here’s the video:

Nevertheless, if you still feel dementia is a serious subject that shouldn’t be joked about, feel free to skip today’s offering and try me again in a few days when I’ll probably be writing about something lighthearted and fun like mass shootings, Elon Musk ruining thousands of peoples’ lives and/or Brittney Griner being sent to a Russian penal colony for nine years.

As Mel Brooks once said:

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

Anyway…

If you’re lucky enough to get old (someone once called it “a privilege denied to many”) you’re going to experience deterioration of some sort and when I was talking to my brother about his job and he used a Latin legal term to describe what he was doing (and since I can’t remember what the Latin legal term was, let’s say it was “E Pluribus Unum”) and our 97-year-old mother was listening in on our conversation and said:

“Boy, since you took that job, you sure have learned a lot of Spanish.”

My brother and I looked at each other and burst out laughing and to our credit did not try to explain the difference between Spanish and Latin to our mother because when you’re 97, who really gives a rat’s ass?

OK, disclaimer over and we’ll now get back to ridiculing the AARP and their emails.

10 Listicles you might want to avoid

Just in case you don’t know – and I didn’t until I looked it up – “listicles” have become popular in journalism because they’re easy to write and the AARP absolutely loves them.

In a single email I was encouraged to read:

• 25 Best Things Coming to Netflix in November

• 10 Social Security Myths Exposed

• 10 Types of Insurance I Probably Don’t Need

• 10 best things to buy at estate sales

• 9 AARP Military Veteran Volunteers

• 7 Habits That Would Reduce My Risk of Stroke

• 6 surprising health benefits of a cup of coffee

• 5 Simple Exercises That Will Improve My Sex Life

• 3 Ways to Avoid Text Scams

• 2 Turtle Doves

And…

• A Partridge in a Pear Tree

To be perfectly honest (don’t get used to it) I threw in those last two on my own, but according to the music currently being played in malls, Christmas is right around the corner and I expect the AARP to eventually get around to those subjects and give us an article listing the “5 Best Places to Buy a Golden Ring.”

So how about those 10 warning signs of dementia?

Much to my surprise Number One was not: “You’re a member of the AARP.”

In fact it was:

1. Difficulty with everyday tasks.

My difficulty with everyday tasks starts with getting out of bed in the morning – especially during winter when it’s cold and dark – and gets worse from there.

2. Repetition.

My difficulty with everyday tasks starts with getting out of bed in the morning – especially during winter when it’s cold and dark – and gets worse from there.

3. Communication problems.

As an example, the AARP listed struggling to think of a word or the name of an object, and while those seem like serious communication problems I think they could also add: “Inability to write anything but these fucking listicles.”

4. Getting lost.

Wait…is this warning sign 4 or warning sign 5?

5. Personality changes.

Considering the personality I currently have, I think the people around me would find a personality change a relief.

6. Confusion about time or place.

According to my wardrobe, it’s 1985 so I either have dementia or need to go shopping.

7. Misplacing things.

But to go shopping I’ll need my car keys and I’m not 100 percent sure where I left them and if I had something in my hands the last time I let myself into the house, there’s a good chance my keys are still hanging in my front door lock. Wouldn’t be the first time.

8. Troubling behavior.

If troubling behavior is a sign you have dementia that would seem to indicate I’ve had it since high school when I was on the school newspaper and thought it was funny to draw a cartoon turkey giving a farmer the finger with the caption:

“Who Gets the Bird on Thanksgiving?”

A cartoon which was way less popular than I thought it would be and wound up getting me suspended.  

9. Loss of interest.

Another bad sign because I’m losing steam when it comes to finishing this listicle about listicles.  

10. Forgetting old memories.

Finally, a ray of sunshine because old memories are pretty much all I have and while I can recite conversations and events that happened in high school right now I can’t remember if I already took today’s allergy pill.  

The two lifestyle options for the elderly

OK, I’m pretty sure there are more than two lifestyle options, but that’s all I have time for and if I list three lifestyles it will sound like another one of those goddamn listicles so let’s stick with two and here they are:

1. Start shutting down and refusing to go anywhere or do anything because pretty much everything is a pain in the ass and not worth the effort.

2. Start doing everything you neglected to do when you were younger because at this point, who really gives a shit if you get Elvis Presley’s face – the Young Elvis, not the Fat Las Vegas Elvis – tattooed on your left butt cheek?

As Welsh poet Dylan Thomas wrote:

“Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

On the other hand, you might want to take that advice with a pound of salt because Dylan died at the age of 39, supposedly from drinking 18 straight whiskeys at the White Horse Tavern in Greenwich Village which is a pretty good story, although it has since been revealed that he probably didn’t really drink 18 whiskeys (apparently Dylan was prone to exaggeration when drinking a shitload of whiskey) and the main cause of Dylan’s death was pneumonia and maybe the shots of morphine administered by a physician.

And as my doctor friend once pointed out, the person who graduates dead last from medical school is still called “doctor” so maybe the AARP’s next email should include:

• “12 medical quacks you want to avoid”

OK, that’s it for today and I gotta go because the AARP just sent me yet another email and this one’s entitled “3 Warning Signs of Macular Degeneration” so I better read it before I go blind.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.