The World’s Most Complicated Subject
A story about abortion, Monty Python and Medieval medicine…
Off the top of my head I can’t think of a subject more complicated than abortion because you’re arguing about when a human actually becomes a human and do fetuses have souls and who has the right to decide when a pregnancy can be terminated and the idea that we’re going to come to some firm consensus about all those difficult issues seems unlikely when we can’t decide whether Johnny Depp or Amber Heard is the real asshole and for my money I’d say go with both because they’re actors.
I mean, just look at them.
What I do feel certain about is the fact that cheesy politicians trying to score points and get re-elected and raise money from the morons who trust them have no business getting involved in a highly personal and difficult decision.
I also feel certain that Conservatives who moan about the “Right To Life” for nine months and then try to cut social programs that would help the children they insist be born are Fucking Hypocrites, which once you think about it, would be a great name for a political party and I might be tempted to join because then anytime I screwed up I could say: “It’s OK…I’m a Fucking Hypocrite.”
(I bet the T-shirts would sell like hotcakes.)
I’m also fairly certain that men who take a vow of chastity and promise to never get married and never have kids aren’t the best people to be giving advice on this subject because it’s like asking Danny DeVito how to dunk a basketball; he’s got no real experience in that area.
But don’t take my word for it, here’s what Monty Python had to say on the subject:
And for my money you can’t do better than Monty Python when it comes to understanding religion, which they explained better than anybody before or since when they made Monty Python’s Life of Brian a movie which pissed off pretty much everybody involved in organized religion and I can tell you from personal experience, lies will get you into a little trouble, but if you want Big trouble with a capital ‘B’ just try telling the truth.
I also think you gotta hand it to the Monty Python guys for taking the best educations England could provide and then using that Deep Well of Knowledge to come up with silly stuff like the Philosophy Football sketch and no matter how many times I watch it I still laugh.
You watch it and tell me I’m wrong:
OK, so maybe Republican Hypocrites and the Catholic Church aren’t the best sources for advice on birth control or abortion; how about a 13th Century treatise that mentioned the subject and concluded that if a man strikes a woman or gives her poison and that causes the woman to abort, he’s committed homicide?
Apparently Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito referred to this treatise in his now famous draft opinion because as we all know, the 13th Century was just chock-full of highly accurate medical and religious information, but Justice Alito failed to mention the treatise also advised that people who were sentenced to be burned alive shouldn’t be whipped or flogged beforehand because they might die prematurely and screw up the Big Witch Burning Party scheduled for the weekend.
If you want to read more about the screwed-up stuff in the 13th century treatise that is being used to justify overturning Roe V. Wade, here you go:
The 13th Century has so much to teach us
So if the 13th Century can tell us how to deal with a complicated subject like abortion, what else can we learn from the wise people who lived back then?
Among other beliefs…
People were encouraged to rely on saints and religion to cure them of diseases and to believe those diseases were punishments from God, beliefs we now know are ridiculous unless your mom’s a Pentecostal Christian (which mine was and is) and then those beliefs are still current and based on completely obvious facts that are distributed by TV Evangelists who still wear Porter Wagner hairdos and sharkskin suits and drive Cadillacs and then have the balls to ask people like my mom for money.
Which she gives them.
Also: an Italian doctor named Taddeo Alderotti promoted the belief that combing your hair “comforts the brain” a scientific theory that was confirmed by another Italian doctor – Arthur Fonzarelli – in the mid-1970s.
Medieval Medical pioneers eventually came to believe diseases could be caused by demons, bad smells, (and God help you if you ran into a smelly demon because that’s how COVID started), astrology, stagnant water and of course, the Jews.
It would take centuries for Mankind to realize that the Jews are actually responsible for funny TV shows and any group of people that gives the rest of us Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm should be welcomed with open arms.
And now that we’ve brought race and/or religion into it…
The people who were actually medically advanced back then were Muslim doctors and it’s a little-known fact that many Europeans who joined the Crusades were actually looking for a physician who wouldn’t try to cure a cough by drilling holes in their skulls to let the Lung Demon out. (And that’s a little-known fact because I just made it up, but in hindsight, it makes sense.)
If you want to read more about Medieval medicine (and who doesn’t?) here’s a link:
As I pointed out in the cartoon above, according to some Republicans the right to control your own body depends on what subject you’re discussing and if the subject is abortion you don’t have that right, but if the subject is vaccination you do.
But flip those two issues around and aren’t the Democrats just as hypocritical?
Mmmm…depends on what they advocated and I can’t speak for everybody, but I took the stance that you had a right to not be vaccinated, but if you made that choice then other people had the right to say you couldn’t come into their store or restaurant or office and risk the health of other people.
The Republicans are very big on taking personal responsibility for your actions as long as you’re talking about other people and not them, and I think that kind of hypocrisy knows no party or political philosophy and I speak from personal experience because it’s obvious to me other people who want to lose weight need to eat less and exercise more and the weight I need to lose is entirely the fault of the Breyers Ice Cream company which stubbornly refuses to quit making Rocky Road which “comforts the brain” and if they keep making this stuff I’m clearly not responsible for what happens next.
So what have we learned today?
Don’t listen to cheesy politicians, actors need drama and will create it even when they’re not making a movie, the 13th Century might not provide the best medical advice and I need to sue the Breyers Ice Cream company.
Maybe they could pay me off in Cookie Dough.