Trump-zilla Attacks
Plus, travel stories...
If the Liberal Media (AKA: Me) can be believed, this cartoon was drawn on August 22nd, right before the Liberal Media flew to California for the Liberal Media’s Mother’s 100th Birthday and we’ll get into why the Liberal Media drew it in a moment, but right now the Liberal Media has a few things to say about that Birthday Trip.
(OK, that Liberal Media shit that I thought would be funny, wore itself out in just one paragraph and we’ll go back to me using “I” mostly because “I” is one keystroke and “Liberal Media” is 13 if you count hitting the space bar and I do, so don’t let anyone tell you I never take a Conservative position on anything because right now I’m conserving my energy.)
And awaaay we go.
Short-Attention-Span Sports
First off, maybe you don’t visit home often enough when you text your brother and ask do you want to watch the 49er’s game together and he texts back: “Who’s this?”
Turns out he didn’t really want to watch the 49er’s game together even though we met in a bar to do just that because he likes to record the game and fast forward through the boring parts which you might think would mean the commercials, but he finds many commercials more entertaining than any play that doesn’t result in a touchdown.
As I learned on this trip, that Cut-To-the-Chase attitude is not uncommon.
I also watched the Chiefs’ game with a friend who said he records the games and fast forwards through any part that doesn’t result in a lead-changing score and proudly told me he could get through an NFL football game in about three-and-a-half minutes.
Way to “enjoy the journey,” guys.
And you might think, “OK, so Lee knows a couple really impatient people, Big Deal,” but Short-Attention-Span Sports is now so common the NFL is catering to the ADHD crowd by offering RedZone which only shows you highlights (it’s aimed at fantasy football and in this case the fantasy is that these people actually give a flying fuck about football).
But if it’s good enough for the NFL, it’s good enough for me, so now let me save everybody some movie-watching time because if you don’t really care how you got there and you just care where you wind up:
Psycho: His mother’s a mummy, Anthony Perkins is the psycho.
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: They die at the end.
Fight Club: Brad Pitt’s character is imaginary.
The Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time.
The Usual Suspects: Kevin Spacey is the Bad Guy…on and off the screen.
The Planet of the Apes: Charlton Heston accidentally time-traveled and the apes took over the Earth.
Fast & Furious: People will actually watch this shit 13 times and I’m way better than these morons because I’ve only watched 11 of them.
So when the rest of you baseball fans ask why anyone wouldn’t want to read about the 2015 Royals, those uninterested people already know what happened (the Royals won) and don’t give a crap about hearing how the Royals won.
Moving on before any more people lose interest.
California Liberals
First question: what part of California?
You get up into the Sierra Nevada foothills (where I grew up) and it’s a bunch of White people living down dirt roads and protecting their meth labs with AR-15s which, I’ll admit, is an exaggeration—plenty of those people are actually growing weed—but not totally without some truth behind it.
My high school didn’t have one Black student and anytime we played a school that had Black athletes we assumed we’d lose and most of the time we were right.
And our lack of familiarity with anyone of a different race helps explain the following:
In 2020 a guy named Malachi J. Turner was leading a group of young Black “entrepreneurs” on a tour of El Dorado Hills, California (where I grew up) because he wanted them to “envision” the kind of success that would lead to them living in a wealthy suburb like El Dorado Hills and Malachi said he encourages “dream building” and before we move on, let me express some opinions about this “visualization” horseshit:
Y’know why visualization helps Oprah Winfrey?
BECAUSE SHE’S OPRAH FUCKING WINFREY.
While board-surfing the net I came across a video of Jim Carrey talking to Oprah about how much visualizing helped his career and you know why it helped?
BECAUSE JIM CARREY’S TALENTED.
Y’know which ballplayers benefit from “visualizing” hitting Major League pitching?
BALLPLAYERS WHO CAN ALREADY HIT MAJOR LEAGUE PITCHING.
I’ve faced Major League pitching on more than one occasion and I can visualize hitting 400-foot home runs and becoming the American League MVP and having Hot Chicks give me their phone numbers and surrounding myself with a “posse” that lives off my money and eventually developing a crippling cocaine habit and entering rehab and then writing my tell-some biography “The Way Home,” but after all that visualizing:
I STILL COULDN’T HIT MAJOR LEAGUE PITCHING BECAUSE I’M JUST NOT THAT TALENTED.
So however misguided and ineffectual Malachi’s J. Turner’s visualization walking tour was, it was still just a bunch Black kids walking around a White suburb, but the White suburbanites freaked the fuck out and a local woman posted on social media:
“Car loads of rioters are hitting the neighborhoods and businesses NOW!!!”
And five people called the El Dorado County Sheriff’s Office and they freaked out too and then the National Guard showed up in military vehicles and since that clearly wasn’t enough to protect a shopping mall from young Black kids visualizing, two days later (and I assume, two dollars short) the state sent an RC-26B surveillance aircraft to the scene of alleged “visualizing” although nobody seemed to know why they needed a surveillance aircraft, including California governor Gavin Nuisance who claimed ignorance, an excuse that seemed totally plausible to the people familiar with him.
Here’s a link to the article, if you want more details:
In conclusion I think it’s safe to say: California Liberals, My Ass.
My Fellow Passengers
Right about here I planned a huge rant about people who fly and don’t get the “unwritten” rules of society, like the guy who sat right next to me in the departure area despite dozens of empty seats being available or the people who don’t read or watch movies on their i-Pads so they want to talk to you instead or the people who can’t figure out when the restroom is occupied (there’s a red light) or how to lock a restroom door or the why the Saratoga trunk they drug onto the airplane won’t fit in the overhead bin, but I’m going to cut this short and, quite uncharacteristically, compliment one of my fellow passengers.
So they tell us the plane is completely full and every seat will be taken and despite this warning the very first bulkhead aisle seat on the plane is wide open and I like bulkhead seats because there’s more legroom and you’re right there near the bathroom and in case of a water landing you’ll be first off the plane (and I do plan on abandoning my fellow passengers and it’s nice to not have to crawl over 89-year-old semi-crippled military veterans to get out first).
But I was so locked in on stowing my backpack in the overhead bin, I didn’t notice the “service” dog that the lady next to me had lying at her feet and this dog was so mellow that he didn’t bark or yap or ask for extra peanuts or try to climb over anybody to use the bathroom and after a few minutes, Old Yeller (he was some kind of lab mix) laid his mellow head on my right foot and went to sleep.
At one point I startled him by dropping my reading glasses and the Service Dog Lady said if I just waited, Old Yeller would pick them up and hand them back to me which makes him more polite than about 67% of the general population and when the plane landed I was the first one out the door, but not before I thanked Old Yeller for his service.
Always nice to end a trip on a high note.
Today’s Lesson
Don’t get sidetracked by your travel stories because you’ll never get around to writing about Donald Trump once again being an asshole and complaining that the Smithsonian Museum was out of control because they had the balls to say: “How bad slavery was.”
Jesus.
I’m thinking the good side of slavery probably wasn’t appreciated by all that many slaves.
When I go on vacation I pretty much ignore politics, but then when I get back to work I have to get up to speed and you gotta give Trump credit—he never lets me down—and I read part of just one get-up-to-speed article when I got this idea and frankly, I don’t think I’m done drawing about this subject yet.
Good to go, but always good to come back.
Glad you're back safe. Hope your mom had a great 100th.
Now you can get back to ripping the Supreme Leader. I'm ready.
I’m already married