Up is Down, Black is White and the GOP is the Party of Law and Order

Also, some great advice on sports betting…

According to the remnants of the news media, some spelunker (which sounds like someone who stars in porn videos, but to my surprise is actually someone who explores caves) went to Turkey and decided to climb down in a giant-ass cave and wound up over 3,000 feet below the surface which is nearly as far down as the Kansas City Royals are in the American League standings.

Then the guy got sick with gastric pain and vomiting which sounds pretty lousy even if you’re on the surface and he had to be rescued and if there’s anything a political cartoonist appreciates, it’s a good metaphor. So I used the “trapped between a rock and hard place” image to depict the dilemma of the American Voter.

Unfortunately, the metaphor breaks down if you take it too far and wonder just who is going to rescue us from the two bad choices we seem destined to face next Election Day so you better get used to gastric pain and vomiting.

As you might already be aware unless you live in that cave we just talked about – and if you do, how would you feel about a roommate? – House Republicans have announced an “impeachment inquiry” into President Biden despite the fact that they have zero evidence Biden committed “High Crimes and Misdemeanors.”

(Although now that I read that description I’m pretty sure you could not say the same about me, especially if we’re talking about the mid-1970s because I was high more than my fair share and wasn’t always paying attention to the Marquis of Queensbury Rules and while high I may have dated Miss Demeanor if Miss Congeniality was busy that night.)

But enough word play and back to Joe’s situation and the Republicans lacking any evidence that would justify impeachment.

However… 

In a surprisingly good op-ed piece in the Kansas City Star (and I call it “surprising” because I actually read the whole thing, which surprised the hell out of me) the author argued that while Biden may have not committed a crime, he let his son Hunter trade on his name which Joe shouldn’t have done and is now suffering the consequences for that lapse in judgment.

Meanwhile, in what appears to be one of the least self-aware statements ever made, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy alleged a “culture of corruption” in the Biden family which is pretty rich coming from a member of the same party who brought us in no particular order:

• Watergate

• The Iran-Contra Affair

• Pretty much anything to do with Dick Cheney, including shooting friends in the face

• Misleading the American Public about Weapons of Mass Destruction

• Ollie North

• FOX News

• Clarence Thomas

• All the Trump associates who got charged with crimes and…

• If you’re looking for something a little more current: how about trying to steal the 2020 Presidential Election and attempting to overthrow the government when that didn’t work?

This lengthy list of political scandals makes it clear that both parties have been up to their eyeballs in shady shit and yeah, I got the list off Wikipedia, but I think you’ve got no business complaining about getting information from questionable sources when you’re currently reading my stuff:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_federal_political_scandals_in_the_United_States

When given the chance to protect poor people, the working class, the elderly, the sick and minorities of all sorts, the GOP once again chose to defend Donald Trump instead, a guy with four indictments and 91 felony charges against him.

The previously mentioned Kevin McCarthy (the Brownnosing Politician, not the Cool Invasion of the Body Snatchers Kevin McCarthy) attacked the Georgia district attorney that brought charges against Trump which is kinda interesting for a party that likes to claim the Democrats are “soft on crime” and they’re the “Party of Law and Order.”

BTW: I briefly met Kevin McCarthy the actor and if you look him up on the internet they say he was 5 feet 10 inches tall and if that’s accurate then I’m 7’-1” and should be playing power forward for the Miami Heat.

When I met Kevin McCarthy my main impression is he could be lead singer for the Lollipop Guild.

Speaking of Miami: some excellent advice on sports betting

Apropos of pretty much nothing: in professional sports Miami is known as a huge party town and they don’t like to talk about it, but one of the reasons pro sports teams tend to have worse road records is when they’re on the road they party.

Face it: if you were in your twenties, had millions of dollars in the bank and scads of women (and/or men, depending on what flips your switch) giving you their phone numbers and had a night off in Miami, what would you do…stay in your hotel room and watch game film?

So if you absolutely have to place a bet – and according to the ads on my TV, you do – look for a team that had a night off on the road (especially if that night off is in a Good Time Town like Miami or New York or LA) and if they follow up that night off with a day game the next day, bet your over-priced house on that team losing. 

A very smart baseball coach once asked me if I ever noticed that the Chicago Cubs didn’t win jackshit until they got lights. Having no lights for decades meant the Cubs had every night after a home game off, which gave them a better than average chance to show up hungover the next day.

And while the “not winning jackshit” is a bit of an exaggeration, if I counted right (and there’s an outstanding chance I didn’t so caveat emptor) in the 36 seasons since the Chicago Cubs got lights at Wrigley they’ve had 17 teams with winning records and went to the playoffs 10 times and in the 36 previous seasons without lights they had nine winning teams and went to the playoffs once.

Of course that might also be because 72 years ago teams had to actually be good to make the postseason, but don’t discount the Party Factor and when I once noticed the Royals had three of four nights off in New York and pointed that out to a coach, he said: “We won’t be worth a shit.”

And he was right (as I recall the Royals got swept or lost three-out-of-four) and now I wish I’d placed some kind of bet so there’s yet another piece of top-quality advice along with never going out with someone who likes to “spelunk” on the first date unless you’re in to that sort of thing.  

So it turns out the White House spent $50 million dollars renovating the “Situation Room” which is in the White House basement and reportedly has three huge screens so the president can watch Monday Night Football, The Masked Singer and Seal Team 6 stage a raid simultaneously and the fact that I’m curious as to whether they also added a stripper pole is a pretty good indication that I should never go into politics.

But let’s face it, if you found out Joe Biden added a hot tub and a disco ball to the Situation Room you’d probably be kinda impressed and it would help the American People get over the idea that Joe’s Over the Hill so I can’t believe they didn’t call me for interior decoration suggestions like a Bouncy House and margarita machine for Joint Chiefs of Staff celebrations next time we kill someone like Osama Been Shot.

Anyway…

The Situation Room was last upgraded in 2006 which was the year before the first iPhone came out and communication technology has advanced by bounds and leaps to the point that if we just keep sinking money into it, within our lifetimes we might actually develop a cell phone that doesn’t drop calls more often than Kansas City Chiefs’ receivers drop balls.

(Not that I’m bitter or anything.)

The announcement about the Situation Room came out about the same time people started screaming about budget deficits which as we all know are only a problem when the other party is doing the spending. Turns out that if Trump gets elected again he and the other Republicans plan to give corporations yet another tax cut so you can see just how much they actually care about deficits.   

So what have we learned today?

There’s a “culture of corruption” in Washington, D.C., both parties have shit tons of scandals, our choices in the next election seem pretty dismal, neither party cares about deficits when they’re the ones spending, actors might lie about their height, bet against teams that have nights off in Party Towns, disco balls class up any room and don’t let anyone spelunk on you unless you really really trust them not to make a video and post it on what used to be Twitter.

(Man, when it comes to handing out good advice Ann Landers has nuthin’ on me, possibly because she’s been dead for over two decades.)

Have a good weekend.

http://kingfeatures.com/comics/editorial-cartoons-a-z/