Through a variety of circumstances I’d rather not go into, I became a member of the AARP which means they periodically send me emails with attached articles which, as I’ve previously noted, fall under the general heading of:
“SHIT YOU FORGOT TO WORRY ABOUT.”
Apparently I’m not spending nearly enough time worrying about the amount of money in my retirement fund or getting my Facebook account hacked by Gypsies or the six top clues that my lawn is infested with boll weevils and the latest attempt to scare the Bejesus out of me was entitled: “10 Warning Signs of Dementia You Shouldn’t Ignore.”
So taking their unsolicited and alarming advice, I read the article and as a time-saving service I’ll tell you what I found out so you don’t have to waste any of your precious time reading an article that appears to be written by Chicken Little and edited by The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Timeout For A Vague Memory
So right about here I thought this was starting to sound familiar and sure enough, back in 2019 the AARP sent me an email entitled “Seven Warning Signs a Loved One May Have Dementia” and I also wrote about it back then. But apparently the AARP discovered three more dementia warning signs and decided to update an old article and I’m guessing when they discussed doing that, someone objected and said:
“Do we really want to give our members recycled material?”
And someone else said:
“They won’t remember it, they have dementia.”
Which is a fair point because despite being reminded on a yearly basis that I’m expected to pay taxes, it still comes as a shock and pisses me off every year, probably because a bunch of my semi-retired income is untaxed so I occasionally have to write a Big-Ass Check and pay my taxes all at once which makes it abundantly clear just how much money I’m giving the government to put up orange cones around a nearby road repair site, then leave town immediately and take a year off to backpack across Europe.
But since you’ve probably got a shitty memory too, let’s check out the 10 Warning Signs article and see if I come up with new jokes or just repeat the old ones and if I do I’m immediately applying for a job writing articles for the AARP.
The 10 Warning Signs Introduction
Before they get going on their 10 Signs, the AARP article warns readers that dementia can cause personality changes and Thank God For That because the personality I currently have isn’t working out all that great for me.
And as long as I’m getting a new personality I’d like it to be Marshal Raylan Givens’ personality from the TV series Justified and here’s a clip that will demonstrate why I’d make that choice:
If I’ve got Raylan Givens Personality I’d get to shoot people who irritate me and this is maybe my favorite Justified gunfight because Raylan shoots a hit man pretending to be a cop, but isn’t 100 percent sure the guy wasn’t a cop and when Raylan says:
“Jesus, I hope I got that right.”
I totally relate because that’s been my initial reaction to about 87% of the impulsive things I’ve ever done in my life and I do a lot of impulsive things. The first time I ever heard about “impulse control” it was like being in a band for 40 years and then finding out amplifiers have knobs that control the volume.
Finally, I Read The Article
OK, so I read the article and they repeated all seven warning signs from the previous article in almost the exact same order:
Difficulty with everyday tasks: (C’mon, who doesn’t have this problem?)
Repetition: (C’mon, who doesn’t have this problem?)
Communication Problems: (I’ve got some family members who might want to weigh in on this one.)
Getting Lost: (I’ve started using Google Maps to locate my bathroom at 3 AM.)
Personality Changes: (Just call me Raylan.)
Confusion about Time and Place: (Apparently, I think it’s 1964 Liverpool because I’m still obsessed with the Beatles.)
OK, so far the new article just repeated the old article, but replaced the old Number 7 — Troubling Behavior — with a new Number 7, Misplacing Things: (And I’ll tell you more about that as soon as I locate my reading glasses.)
Troubling Behavior dropped to Number 8 on their new list and “Mrs. Brown, You Have a Lovely Daughter” by Herman and the Hermits came in at number 9.
Just kidding.
While Troubling Behavior would be a great album title, Number 9 was actually Loss of Interest, or Apathy. (I’d make jokes about that, but Life is Hard and Then You Die, so who gives a Rat’s Ass?)
And finally:
Forgetting Old Memories: (Which was the only sign of dementia I don’t have because these days I’ve got nothing but old memories, while the current location of the TV remote is still a mystery.)
True story
I was once packing for a trip in a hurry while watching a ballgame on TV and when I was finished and ready to leave for the airport, I couldn’t find the TV remote to turn off the ballgame and (if you saw this coming you probably have dementia, too) because I’d packed the TV remote in my suitcase.
Anyway…
According to their own list of warning signs, the AARP writers have six warning signs of dementia.
In Conclusion
My best friend is a doctor and he once told me when he was in med school all the students thought they had whatever disease they were studying. That’s because the symptoms were incredibly vague and if one of the signs of beriberi was irritability, all the students would think:
“Hey, I’m occasionally irritable, I must have beriberi.”
Which is a good thing to remember when you read one of these articles suggesting misplacing your car keys could be a sign of an impending stroke and you should probably get to an emergency room immediately, assuming you ever find your car keys and if I were you I’d look next to the TV remote.
As you might have already noticed if you ever watched a local TV weather report: Freaking Out The Public Is Good Business.
In the never-ending quest for followers, readers and viewers, one of the best tactics is to get people upset and worried and looking to you for guidance (which I’m doing to you right now) and a recent Kansas City Star column by opinion editor Yvette Walker talked about a self-proclaimed “culture and lifestyle media personality” which is a job title I’m going to start using myself because up until now I thought I was just a “loudmouth with too much time on his hands.”
Anyway…
The culture and lifestyle media personality is a right-winger and she was trying to get people hot and bothered by the new Kansas City Airport’s All-Gender bathrooms.
As Yvette pointed out (and I recently noticed on my trip to Phoenix) there are Men’s bathrooms and Women’s bathrooms right there next to the All-Gender bathrooms so nobody’s forcing anybody to use an All-Gender bathroom and if my own personal experience is any indication, when we really have to go, we’d use an All-Gender janitor’s closet and a bucket.
Also, as Yvette pointed out, what does the Right-Wing Agitator think the bathrooms are an airplanes?
Those are also All-Gender and so are a lot of restaurant and small business bathroom’s and come to think of it, every bathroom in every house or apartment I ever lived in was All-Gender and as long as we have a lock on a door and one of those fans that powers airboats, we seem to get along just fine.
So the Right-Wing Pain in the Ass wasn’t pointing out a problem, she was trying to freak you out and cause one.
Because that’s what gets you followers, readers and viewers and to be honest, me and the AARP are semi-guilty of the same behavior and I’d write more about that, but the 10 Warning Signs of Dementia email also had a link to a story entitle Sex Furniture (I didn’t make that up) and I’m now pretty worried about that because I’m wondering just who my couch has been banging when I’m not around.
Talk to you soon if I remember to.
Enjoyed his one. I saw somewhere that Vladimir Putin may have severe health issues because when he walks his right hand always stays stationary at his side. Or, the article.said, it.may be a habit from his KGB days when a pistol hung from his belt on the right side and he's such an asshole he had to be ready to draw at any moment. But, I think he binged on Justified and thought the way Oliphant walked was cool. And you don't have to pay AARP. Once they get your name the mailings never stop.
I'm in a book group and we're reading "Where Did I Leave My Glasses: The What, When, and Why of NORMAL Memory Loss," which is very reassuring about how normal (not that I'm saying you're normal, Lee, which would be boring) it is to put your remote in your suitcase (as long as you don't do it repeatedly) or forget why you came in a room, etc. Apparently that doesn’t sell as well as scare stories - it came out in 2008 and people haven't calmed down yey.