Elon Musk Is A Dork

Pretty much everybody wants to be “cool” with the exception of people who actually are “cool” and the reason they are “cool” is they don’t spend one fraction of a second thinking about or trying to be “cool” and that’s because the very first rule of being “cool” (and you might want to write this down) is not giving a flying monkey fuck about what other people think.

OK, if you actually wrote that down you just made a mistake because you shouldn’t care what I think.

See?

This being “cool” thing gets really tricky, so pay attention.

And if you just thought: “Got it. I won’t write that first thing down and I’ll start paying attention” that’s another uncool move on your part because once again you’re not supposed to care what I think and I don’t want to have to tell you that again.

Just remember the first sign of someone not being “cool” is them trying to be “cool” so you won’t catch actual cool people wearing ironic fedoras or horn rim glasses or suits with T-shirts underneath or cowboy hats when they don’t know how to saddle a horse or have cows for co-workers.

Cool people also don’t wear sunglasses inside or at night (drug dealers and Stevie Wonder get exemptions) or get hair transplants like this:

Cool people admit they’re losing hair and don’t try to cover it up with toupees or comb overs that require a team of architects, a building permit and two cans of hair spray to construct every morning – cool people just shave their balding heads and don’t give a damn what the rest of us think about it.

And Now A Short Cowboy Hat-Related Story

I’m overly-Irish so if I stay out in the sun too long I begin to sizzle and smoke like Nosferatu on a nude beach and since I’m so White I’m almost clear, I developed a small melanoma on my cheek that had to be removed and after that incident my doctor asked if I spent much time in the sun.

At that point in what was left of my career I was covering the Kansas City Royals and whenever possible attending “early work” – practices on specific skills held early in the afternoon – so I told my doctor, yeah, I’m in the sun for hours almost every day.

Doctor: “Could you wear a cowboy hat?”

Me: “I think I’d rather die of skin cancer.”

POP QUIZ:

Was that a cool or uncool thing to say to my doctor?

TRICK QUESTION: It was both.

Because I didn’t care what my doctor advised, but I did care what Big League ballplayers thought and those are the same guys who spend time in the clubhouse practicing celebration handshakes that would confuse a third-degree Mason, which in my opinion is a really nerdy thing to do so you can see how this “cool” thing gets extremely complicated (you can be “cool” at one point, “uncool” at another) and by now I think the only thing we can all agree on is if I die from skin cancer I’m getting what I deserve and my tombstone should be inscribed:

“SHOULD HAVE WORN A STETSON.”

And Now Back to Elon

Google “what is a tech bro?” and according to Wiktionary it’s:

“A hypermasculine man employed in the tech industry.”

When I read that definition I thought “Yeah, I’m pretty sure a tech bro wrote that” because – according to the AI overview – Wiktionary content is provided and edited by “a community of volunteer contributors, called Wiktionarians” so anyone can get on their site and write incredibly inaccurate definitions of themselves.

(Which reminds me I need to get on Wiktionary ASAP and change the definition of “political cartoonist” to: “Sexual demi-god desired by hot women everywhere including Halle Berry, Dua Lipa and the Young Morgan Fairchild” although, apparently that would make me a Wiktionarian and who wants that crap on their resume?)

Now here’s how the Cambridge English Dictionary defines “tech bro”:

“Someone, usually a man, who works in the digital technology industry, especially in the United States, and is sometimes thought to not have good social skills and to be too confident about their own ability.”

I think I’ll go with the Cambridge people on this one.

But if you’re a really really REALLY rich Tech Bro you can surround yourself with ass-kissing sycophants or sycophantic ass-kissers (and if you’re the richest man on the planet, you can probably afford both) who laugh at all your jokes and tell you you’re not that fat so go ahead and keep wearing tight T-shirts and pretty soon the rich people getting their asses kissed think they’re just as smart and funny as all their ass-kissers tell them they are, which leads to hubris which sounds like what happened when Hugh Grant got circumcised, but is actually “excessive pride or self-confidence.”

And now I think we should all take a moment to appreciate just how far out of my way I went to make a bad circumcision joke about Hugh Grant, probably because I’ve got excessive pride and self-confidence.

But back to Elon and today we’ll try to decide if Elon is hypermasculine or lacks social skills and we’ll kick things off with the accusation that Elon tried to convince a flight attendant on a SpaceX private jet to perform a sex act on him after he exposed himself during a massage and to sweeten the deal, Elon offered to buy her a horse.

A bizarre offer which requires some explaining:

Apparently the flight attendant was told she’d get more work with SpaceX if she also became a licensed massage therapist because she could then offer massages to executives on flights which is really fucking weird and those weird-ass cheap SpaceX bastards made her pay for her own massage training.

She also rode horses.

When contacted by Business Insider for comment, Elon emailed them back and said he wanted more time to respond because there was a lot more to the story. (Right now I’m thinking in terms of more Romance-Related-Livestock purchases.) So Business Insider extended their deadline and once again offered to let Musk comment on the accusations, but Musk didn’t respond.

But Elon did go on Twitter (before he bought it) and said: “those wild accusations are utterly untrue” and, to my way of thinking, also unfair because who among us hasn’t offered to buy a woman a horse to get our way with them and horse buying is widely considered third on the list of Classic Romantic Gestures that include:

1. Send roses.

2. Write a love letter.

3. Offer to buy her a Clydesdale.

According to the following Business Insider article, after she reported the sex act/horse offer to SpaceX, Musk’s company paid her $250,000 in a severance agreement and if you want to read all about that – because this sounds really bizarre and something I made up, but isn’t – here you go:

https://www.businessinsider.com/spacex-paid-250000-to-a-flight-attendant-who-accused-elon-musk-of-sexual-misconduct-2022-5

OK, so the hypermasculine vs. poor social skills meter has tipped dramatically toward Elon being an uncool asshole, but wait…there’s more.

The Mark Zuckerberg Cage Fight

Being an insecure dipshit (a fulltime occupation) Elon publicly challenged Mark Zuckerberg to a “Cage Match,” but then found out Zuckerberg is a martial arts enthusiast and has done some training and turned out Mark would really appreciate the opportunity to kick Elon’s ass in public, so Elon immediately started backpedaling and coming up with reasons not to fight.

And if you don’t like Elon Musk (good call) I highly recommend reading the following article which calls Elon Musk “America’s Richest and Most Cowardly Man” and that’s in the subhead before the article really gets going:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/aug/16/elon-musk-mark-zuckerberg-cage-fight

Just in case you didn’t read the article (Big Mistake) the author says Musk is a spoiled brat who has never had to suffer any consequences for all His Rich Guy Bullshit (like offering horses for hand jobs which sounds like some kind of Charity Concert that would feature Sting and U2) and it’s too bad Musk ducked the fight he started because some people really need to get their ass kicked.

BTW:

When anyone honks their horn or flips off strangers in traffic my first thought is: “Hmmm…clearly you’ve never had your ass kicked because if you had, you wouldn’t do that.”

Jesus, you never know what highly-strung, stressed-out man just got fired and is going through a Divorce From Hell and bought a handgun for protection that he’s now considering using to blow his brains out, but you honk and flip him off and he’s now got a new target for his stress and rage and if he’s going to commit suicide anyway, why not take a Traffic Asshole with him?

Also…

Grown, mature, overweight and out-of-shape 52-year old men don’t start fights because if you’ve ever been in one (I haven’t been in that many, but way more than seemed necessary at the time) you quickly figure out it hurts to win a fight, much less lose one.

You wake up the next morning with bruises and sore spots you didn’t notice at the time because adrenaline was shooting out your eyes and ears and think: “Jesus…when did I get punched in the armpit?”

OK, so the Hypermasculine vs. Poor Social Skills meter is now in the red and let’s bury the needle with these photos of Elon Musk jumping into the air and making an “X” to celebrate his genius move of renaming Twitter and losing 80% of its value:

Elon Musk is a dork.

But a rich dork who thinks he’s funny because he pays people to laugh at his jokes and when he wanted to announce his takeover of Twitter he carried a sink into the company lobby and posted a video with the caption:

“Entering Twitter HQ – let that sink in!”

Which is the kind of joke Carrot Top would refuse to do because it’s just too juvenile, although I’m pretty sure I could convince Carrot (it’s what his close friends call him) to do that highly sophisticated Hugh Grant bris joke because that’s comedy gold.

(Actually, it’s another juvenile bad joke, but the thing to remember is clearly I don’t care that it’s another juvenile bad joke which is the first step toward coolness that you should begin emulating immediately, unless you don’t care what I think and if so, good for you and you’re starting to get the hang of it.)

Elon also thinks it’s hilarious to call his company that digs tunnels (although research shows, not all that many of them) The Boring Company.

Get it?

THE BORING COMPANY?

THEY DIG TUNNELS SO THEY’RE BORING?

Today’s Lesson

Donald Trump has picked Elon Musk to make decisions about the federal government and people’s lives despite that fact that Elon Musk has shown himself to be World Class Cowardly Nerd with poor social skills and little understanding of the Real World and how it works and if you’re still trying to defend him and his hypermasculinity you might be saying:

“Oh, yeah? If Elon’s not hypermasculine how did he have 13 children with four different women?

And if that’s the case I’ll answer your question with one of my own:

“How many horses did that cost him?”