Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow
Preferably on someone else's driveway...
As I write this it’s a brisk 3 degrees outside and with the “wind shield” factor it’s -2 and I know it’s actually “wind chill” factor, but when he was very young one of my sons misheard what people were saying and we thought “wind shield” factor was adorable and we’re from that generation of parents who think nothing negative should ever never ever happen to our kids so we didn’t keep score in games and everybody got a trophy and by being overprotective we’ve managed to raise kids with the emotional toughness of Faberge eggs and if my 39-year-old son ever finds out that as a child he misunderstood the “wind chill” factor, who knows what damage that will cause him now and, by the way, if you meet him I’d appreciate you not spilling the beans about the Easter Bunny.
Where was I?
Right…freezing my ass off and dealing with the 11 inches of snow that just fell on Kansas City.
Although, when I read it was 11 inches of snow I wondered who measured it – a man or a woman – because maybe it was actually five-and-a-half inches and some guy thought 11 inches would sound a lot better on his Adult Friend Finders profile.
Either way it’s a lot of snow and this is my very narrow driveway and it’s narrow because my house was built in the 1920s when Model Ts were 66 inches wide (I looked it up) and according to the internet my Toyota Matrix is 69.5 inches wide (I also looked that up) “without mirrors” which is the model you’ll have if you catch one of your side mirrors on one of those gateposts which I do about three times a week and that’s when the pavement is nice and dry and right now it’s “slicker than owl shit on a hot tin roof” and also right now, a hot tin roof would be much appreciated.
Freezing Rain, AKA the Devil’s Weather
But before Old Man Winter dumped a male porn star’s worth of snow on our city, we had freezing rain which for my money and possibly yours is the most fucked up type of weather ever because the rain comes down as liquid and then freezes when it hits the ground or anything else and everything’s coated with ice and after 30 minutes of freezing rain you could hold the Ice Capades on my driveway and getting your newspaper from the bottom of your steps (assuming your carrier didn’t say fuck this and quit, which seems like his most logical option) requires crampons, an ice axe and belaying ropes.
One of Those Digressions I’m Prone To
So I just looked up Ice Capades to see if it was one word or two or possibly hyphenated and according to the ever-informative internet (which assumes you don’t give a crap about the quality of information and as long as it confirms what we already believe, most of us don’t) the Ice Capades went out of business “around 1995” which seems pretty damn vague, but it also informs me last January I could’ve gone to see Disney on Ice instead, which appeared in the T-Mobile Center which is the downtown arena some con men fooled Kansas City into building because we were assured if we built it we’d get an NBA, or – at the very worst – an NHL team, but turned out Kevin Costner’s cornfield was wrong:
“If we build it, they still won’t come.”
Also according to the internet, Disney on Ice featured Mickey’s Search Party in which Mickey and His Friends try to find your newspaper and the carrier who has disappeared and is quite possibly currently serving as the main course at the 2025 version of The Donner Party which, let’s face it, might be the shittiest party ever if you don’t count what the Republicans are now offering.
Socialism and Snow Blowers
(Technically, that should be “Communism and Snow Blowers” because individuals can still own private property in a socialist state, but I liked the alliteration “socialism” provided and if you came here looking for 100% accurate information you’re clearly ice fishing in the wrong hole.)
Anyway…
Unfortunately, I do not live in one of those neighborhoods where some overenthusiastic handyman bought a snow blower (which once again, according to the internet, can cost as much as $3,700 which for that kind of money ought to come with an 8-track tape deck, mag wheels and flames painted on the side) and because the handyman only gets to use his snow blower every third winter, he decides to clear everybody’s driveway and get his money’s worth.
And since I don’t live in one of those neighborhoods, a neighbor and I were shoveling snow and it occurred to me that while any one of us buying a snow blower might not make sense, if everyone on our street chipped in, collectively owning a snow blower would make a lot of sense.
He suggested a flamethrower instead, which come to think of it would come in handy when trying to get your Weber grill going this coming July.
Either way, my next thought was this was probably how communism started: Karl Marx was shoveling his driveway and asked his next door neighbor Kevin if he’d like to go halfsies on a snow blower and that worked out so well they bought a bass boat together, but then Karl and Kevin went too far and decided everything should be owned by the community which made dinner time a complicated mess while people waited in line to use the neighborhood fork.
And as long as I’m critiquing other countries and their social systems…
How the fuck did the Chinese see their first fork and say, “Nah, we’re just going to keep using two sticks.”
Mix and Match Your Science Options
As you may have noticed during the pandemic, science can be highly inconvenient and at times contradictory.
For instance: recently you may have seen news stories about our Surgeon General saying that alcohol can cause cancer and should come with a warning label because six-in-10 U.S. adults report that they drink and 3-of-the-other-four lied when asked about drinking alcohol and that fourth U.S. adult is no fun whatsoever and never gets invited to parties unless it’s the aforementioned Donner Party and they figured how to get their Weber grill started during a blizzard.
According to the follow article there is no safe level of alcohol consumption:
But being old enough to remember all sorts of things (with the exception of my reading glasses current location) not all that long ago they were telling us a glass of red wine a day was good for your heart and here’s an article about that:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/in-depth/red-wine/art-20048281
So clearly you can pick and choose what scientific study you want to believe and just in case someone is nagging you to go shovel snow off your driveway, here’s one that says shoveling snow increases your chances of a heart attack:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2024/01/11/shoveling-snow-heart-attack/
And just in case you don’t have a subscription to the Washington Post and couldn’t read the article, its conclusions are summed up elsewhere and here they are; between 1990 and 2006 about 195,000 people in the U.S. were treated in emergency rooms for injuries and medical emergencies suffered while shoveling snow and 6.7% of them were cardiac related including all 1,647 deaths.
Which sounds like a solid reason for staying inside, watching Netflix and waiting for the snow to melt on its own which the way things are going may or may not happen by the Fourth of July when you’re wondering just what snow bank is covering your Weber grill.
Today’s Lesson
If someone asks you to shovel snow off your driveway they might be trying to kill you and if you shovel snow anyway you should drink a bottle of red wine first (they actually advised a “glass” of red wine, but didn’t specify how big the glass could be, so feel free to wing it), freezing rain sucks dicks and while we’re on that subject, you can’t trust a man to measure anything in inches.
Also…
If two guys named Karl and Kevin suggest you all go in on a riding lawn mower, you better think twice because you’re on a slippery slope and if my driveway is any example, it’s a good way to lose a side mirror.
Stay warm, everybody.
LMAO. And yes, freezing rain IS the devil's weather.