Simple Slogans, Complicated World
So apparently Donald Trump was either A. unaware of the Strait of Hormuz’ existence or 2. didn’t understand its importance or C. how easily Iran could should it down.
Until recently, a lot of Americans were in the same boat (a depressing percentage of Americans can’t find the United States on a map) and frankly, my grasp of geography isn’t all that great, but fortunately for all of us, I don’t think I should be President of the United States.
And for those of you who also daydreamed your way through geography class:
The Strait of Hormuz is approximately 24 miles wide at its narrowest point and Oman controls the south shore and Iran controls the north shore and the Strait connects the Persian Gulf with the Gulf of Oman and 20% of the world’s oil passes through there.
Until it doesn’t.
The Iranians—being somewhat miffed because we started a war and bombed them—shut down the Strait with mines, drone attacks and by firing on and seizing vessels, so ships that want to avoid all that have said “fuck this” and won’t go through the Strait, which seems logical, although I think we can all agree their language is deplorable.
According to the highly-questionable internet, over 1,500 ships have been stuck in the Gulf and can’t get through the Strait which means less oil which means higher gas prices which means Republicans are scared shitless because motorists are pissed off and midterm elections are coming up in November and if the pissed-off motorists can ever afford enough gas to get to the polls, they just might vote for a Democrat.
Trump has said he wants to suspend the federal gas tax (about 18 cents a gallon) which he can’t do without Congressional approval and as the website Politifact inconveniently pointed out:
Suspending the federal gas tax would mean the Highway Trust Fund—the people who maintain and build highways—would get less money and it’s already in financial trouble.
Plus gas wouldn’t cost that much less (about $1.84 less for a 10-gallon fill-up) and cheaper gas might encourage more driving when gas is already scarce which would make the problem even worse and because the tax is collected at the refinery level—before it gets to consumers—there’s no guarantee Oil Companies would pass on the savings.
So we’d be depending on Oil Companies to do the right thing and when has that ever worked out for anybody?
Republicans—who have the same relationship with Donald Trump that leeches had with Humphrey Bogart—are scared stiff that you’re going to take your anger out on them in the midterm election and we’ll now pause while you go watch The African Queen so you can fully appreciate that highly appropriate leech/Humphrey Bogart reference.
Great movie, huh?
And speaking of poorly thought out actions:
On May 4th Trump announced “Operation Project Freedom” which definitely seems like one too many words. (Do you really need “Operation” and “Project”?)
But if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em and according to Trump “Operation Project Mission Freedom” meant the U.S. was going to escort vessels through the Strait.
On May 5th—just 24 hours later—“Operation Project Mission Exercise Freedom” was called off by Trump, supposedly by “mutual agreement” because Iran and the US had made progress toward a peace agreement.
But turns out…
“Operation Project Mission Exercise Campaign Freedom” was actually called off because Saudi Arabia denied the US access to its airspace and US bases in its territory and Trump—having learned absolutely nothing from the start of his ill-advised war—once again failed to consult an ally and ask, “Hey, are you guys cool with this?”
Turns out Saudi Arabia wasn’t.
Saudi Arabia didn’t think “Operation Project Mission Exercise Campaign Assignment Epic Fury Freedom” was “well thought-out” and could lead to escalation in violence which, if you think about it, could be the description of everything Donald Trump has done so far.
And to go from Dumb to Dumber…
Donald Trump has now announced that all the fictional reasons he went to war with Iran can be put on hold because the most important thing is getting the Strait of Hormuz open and as you might recall, the Strait of Hormuz was open before Trump started this war.
We will now take a musical break and enjoy the Kinks performing Do It Again—a song about going back where you started and doing the same thing over and over—which seems disturbingly appropriate right now:
Trump has belatedly realized the war he started is incredibly unpopular and not the slam dunk he was hoping for, so he and the collection of Flying Monkeys that compromise his cabinet started talking about the war being almost over and having accomplished everything they hoped for (which is bullshit, because the Strait’s not open) and they have also claimed there’s a ceasefire which doesn’t seem to include not shooting at each other.
Next up: Donald Trump—who seems to have the same flair for decorating that Elvis had in his Fat Years—decided the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool needed resurfacing and gave a no-bid contract to Atlantic Industrial Coatings who had done some work on his properties. Initially Trump said he “hired a guy” to do the work and then lied about it and said he didn’t know the contractor.
The project became even more controversial when the cost went way over original estimates.
In the above cartoon I imagined what the Reflecting Pool would look like if Trump got to implement all his awesome redecorating ideas and don’t forget Trump is the same guy who screwed up the White House Rose Garden by installing patio furniture.
I can’t wait to see what the Washington Monument looks like with Tiki Torches.
I take a backseat to no man, woman or undecided person when it comes to being a critic of Donald Trump and His Minions, but even I had to laugh when a Congressman accused Kash Patel of having a drinking problem.
The cartoon doesn’t mean Kash doesn’t have a drinking problem, it just means a member of Congress might be the wrong guy to point it out.
The above cartoon was inspired by a New York Times article in which Trump was quoted as saying he does not think about the economic hardship Americans feel as the result of his war with Iran.
I think we can add that to the long list of Things Donald Trump Does Not Think About which seems to include:
Geography
The U.S. Constitution
The separation of Church and State
How many calories are in a McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder and…
Whether he’s currently married when he meets a porn star.
Since Trump started his war, gas prices have gone up and are past $4.50 a gallon unless you’re talking California and then it’s $6.14 a gallon for regular, although not much could be described as “regular” these days.
Republicans who have to run for office in November are worried that Trump isn’t taking the economy seriously enough; he’s ridiculed the issue of “affordability,” is building a ballroom for him and his pals (originally estimated to cost $200 million, it’s now over $1 billion) wants to build a $100 million arch you know he’s just dying to lead a parade through and has said his economic policies are working just fine and anyone who disagrees with him is “a stupid person.”
Trump has managed to talk himself into a corner which happens when you refuse to shut the fuck up (I speak from experience) and finds himself assuring Americans an unpopular war is winding down while simultaneously threatening the Iranians that he’s just getting started.
Today’s Lesson
Make America Great Again
Stay the Course
America Love It Or Leave It
Just Say No
Simplistic, jingoistic (hang on while I try to think of another word that ends with “ic”…sorry…got nuthin’) slogans might get a round of applause from a bunch of mouth-breathers at a political rally, but turns out the world is complicated (wait…”bombastic”) and actions have consequences that you’re supposed to think about before you do things like start a war.
Trump says the war with Iran will take four-to-five weeks: nearly four months later there’s no end in sight.
Trump says he’s going to have our military escort vessels through the Strait of Hormuz; turns out he can’t do that if Saudi Arabia doesn’t agree.
Trump says he’s going to suspend the federal gas tax; turns out he can’t do that without Congressional approval.
Trump says renovating the Reflecting Pool will cost $1.5 to $1.8 million; the cost is now estimated at $13.1 million.
Trump says his ballroom will cost $200 million and will be paid for with private donations; after the project got started, the estimate changed to $400 million and now Republicans want to add $1 billion of taxpayer money to that.
The lesson here is that slogans are easy and if someone makes something sound simple they’re probably lying to you and electing someone who’s so insecure he needs constant praise and applause is a bad idea because he’s eventually going to say unrealistic things to get an ovation at rally.
Sooner or later his mouth is going to write a check that his ass can’t cover which would be just fine if he didn’t drag our asses into it with him.
Hang in there, everybody.
Great column as usual. Thanks for the ear-worm but that is a great Kinks song.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm beginning to treat alprazolam like a vitamin. 😂