As I have noted on several occasions, through no fault of my own, I’m a member of the AARP (American Association of the Really Pathetic) which comes with a host of benefits like discounts at hotels, restaurants and funeral homes, but I’m never going to get one of those discounts because there’s no fucking way I’ll ever publicly admit I’m in the AARP, with the obvious exception of this blog, which – if I’m reading the signs right – is mainly read by other embarrassed AARP members.
Never thought we’d get this old, did we?
So in reality all I’m getting out of the AARP is a constant barrage of emails warning me about financial scams carried out by roving bands of gypsies and foods I should stop eating and foods I should start eating and undetected health problems that are going to kill me immediately if not sooner and if you’ve never been married and wonder what it’s like, join the AARP because they’re up to their bifocals with irritating advice you never asked for.
And recently the AARP sent me an email entitled: 15 Warning Signs of Dementia You Shouldn’t Ignore.
Which sounded familiar because I’d already written about an AARP email warning me I might have dementia, so I searched my blog using the word “dementia” because I didn’t want to repeat any old jokes unless the old jokes were really really good ones and then I planned on stealing them.
And Now a Digression on Self-Plagiarism
I have absolutely no problem with stealing material from myself, partially because I can’t remember what I’ve used and what I’ve only thought about using (according to the people who count these things I’ve already posted 952 essays and and according to me I’ve already drawn approximately 1,985,243 political cartoons starting with ridiculing William Howard Taft for being fat because in 1910 that wasn’t politically incorrect yet) and also because if a newspaper is going to fire me (and I’ve been fired three times) the upside is I get a brand new audience.
If you weren’t aware that in 1979 I drew a cartoon of Jimmy Carter reading a book about foreign policy with the cutline:
“I just love a good mystery.”
I’m thinking “no harm, no foul” if I draw the same cartoon 46 years later and this time it’s Donald Trump reading the book.
But that “good mystery” cartoon is a bad example because another cartoonist stole that idea from me and just redrew it using my layout and if I now redraw my own cartoon somebody might think I’m stealing from the guy who stole from me which is kind of like spotting your stolen car in somebody’s driveway and getting arrested when you try to steal it back.
And now that I’ve finally got that off my chest…
The AARP Repeats Itself
So I searched my blog using the word “dementia” and didn’t find a single one about AARP dementia warning signs.
That’s because I found three:
In 2019 the AARP sent me an email entitled: Seven Warning Signs a Loved One Might Have Dementia.
In 2022 the AARP sent me an email entitled: 10 Early Warning Signs of Dementia You Shouldn’t Ignore.
In 2024 the AARP sent me an email entitled: 10 Warning Signs of Dementia You Shouldn’t Ignore.
And now we’re up to 15 Dementia Warning Signs so apparently things are getting a lot lot worse and in the fine print it says the article was first published in 2024 so it seems like someone at the AARP has some highly convenient memory loss because I’ve been getting these articles since at least 2019, although the fine print also says the article was “updated” this year which apparently makes it OK. So now when I repeat a story I’ve told 50 times and you say “you already told that one” I’m going to say “I updated it” and add “shut the fuck up.”
Jesus.
People who delight in telling you and your audience that you’re repeating a story are a pain in the ass, a conclusion I’ve reached mainly because I repeat myself a lot. It’s called “material” people. (And that was one of the jokes I stole from my first three articles on this subject.)
If you went to a George Carlin comedy concert and he started doing the “Seven Dirty Words” would you stand up and yell, “You already told that one”?
If you went to hear whatever’s left of The Eagles and they performed Hotel California, would yell “Heard it”?
And now that I’ve made my lack of originality somehow your fault, we’ll move on to the 15 Warning Signs of Dementia and my reactions to them:
1. Short-term memory loss: I’m looking forward to this one because what better excuse to not pay back a loan or not show up at some graduation party where you’re expected to bring a gift? “Sorry, I meant to do that, but I have short-term memory loss.”
2. Word loss: Frankly, as many married people will tell you, word loss would be a blessing because the “silent treatment” isn’t the punishment many unmarried people think it is.
3. Difficulty multi-tasking: How many times have we been warned not to text and drive or talk on the cell phone and drive or convince your free-spirited girlfriend to perform oral sex and drive and now that we’re not doing those things, we have dementia? So if you can convince someone to perform oral sex while you drive – and women, I really hope you’re driving an automatic – after the wreck remember to tell the police officer it’s not your fault because you were fighting off dementia.
A scenario that was depicted in the movie Parenthood and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, here you go:
4. Repetition: Hey, looks like the AARP people have dementia and I can’t wait for the 16 Warning Signs of Depression email I’m going to get in 2026.
5. Personality changes: This would be great because the personality I currently have is wearing me out, so I can only imagine how the people around me feel.
6. New sleep behaviors: What, like getting up to use the bathroom three times a night?
7. Worsening sense of direction: Yeah, I thought we were getting somewhere near the end of this article, but I still have eight warning signs to go.
8. Depression: And I’m kind of down about it.
9. Confusion about time and place: If you check the CDs in my car apparently I think it’s 1964 and the British Invasion is still happening because if you want to hear a bunch of early Beatles music (I also have the Kinks greatest hits) we’re all set.
10. Difficulty with visual or perceptive tasks: I’ve got difficulty with every kind of task and one of the main attractions of being a political cartoonist was “no heavy lifting.”
11. Financial missteps: What, like a paying for a gym membership?
12. Changes in judgement: I used to think Trump’s first term was as bad as it gets.
13. Misplacing things: I have – and I’m not making this up – looked for my reading glasses while they were perched on top of my head.
14. Misusing items: I’m currently using a paperback book as a drink coaster and a drum stick as a back scratcher and my mom grew up during the Depression when you didn’t ever throw anything away and last time I was home (and I’m not making this up either) my mom had my dad’s police hat displayed in plastic container that originally contained a grocery store cake. So if I’m misusing items I’m blaming genetics and my mom.
15. Hallucinations: When I received that 2019 email about The Seven Warning Signs of Dementia I thought that was the last time I was going to hear about it.
Today’s Lesson
If it’s good enough for the AARP, feel free to steal from yourself and repeat stories because they just get better every time you tell them and now that I think about it, when we hear about some guy who had two families in different states it’s probably because the first family kept saying, “Yeah, we already heard that one, Dad” and instead of getting a new set of stories (which takes years of bad experiences to assemble) it just made more sense to start a second family and get a brand new audience.
As you may have already noticed, families can be a pain in the ass and bigamists get a bad rap for having more than one and here I think I have to agree with Mark Twain who once said he’d gotten a good look at Mormon women and God bless any man who would marry more than one of them.
And when you go on trial for having more than one family and get asked what you were thinking, feel free to steal this line:
“I thought it was big o’ me.”
Which is guaranteed to bring down the house and make sure you repeat it for your new cellmate.
That’s it for today because I have to get started on a my “I just love a good mystery” cartoon and this time it’ll be Donald Trump holding a book on ethical behavior which I’m pretty sure doesn’t include accepting $400 million airplanes from foreign governments.
And it’s totally fine to recycle that cartoon because I “updated” it.
Thanks tons for the Jimmy Carter and Mark Twain jokes. I really needed the belly laughs.
Because I love the Kinks - does that make me a perv?
Back before microwaves (yes, I'm that old) my Depression-raised mother saved the tin foil she used to wrap the oven-baked potatoes in.
I hope this doesn't sound crass or jaded, but while helping tend to my ALzheimer-affected father it occurred to me that a good thing about being such a caregiver meant I only had to remember one joke.
Your most amusing post yet.
As with most, I joined AARP for medicare Advantage benefits. Glad to read how mortifying it is to admit out loud membership in this club of ancients.
Agree - their continued barrage of emails very annoying.
Great read!😁