The Unusable Cartoon

And like the Hush Money Trial jurors, I blame Donald Trump...

Despite my repeated requests that politicians not make cartoonable news when it’s inconvenient for me – weekends, holidays and during the MLB playoffs – yesterday, Donald Trump ignored my pleas and went right ahead and got himself convicted of 34 counts of Lying His Ass Off. (That’s a technical term used by legal scholars).

In reality those convictions won’t change much (or at least won’t change much right now, because he’s going to appeal and being a convicted felon doesn’t stop you from running for president, although it might stop you from voting for yourself) so as far as I’m concerned, the main thing those convictions did was make the cartoon I drew yesterday pretty much irrelevant.

For those of you who showed up late for class, once again here’s the deal on my cartooning schedule:

The people who distribute my cartoons around the country want to receive them fairly early in the morning so I draw the cartoons the day before I send them in; Friday’s cartoon is drawn on Thursday and I have to hope the cartoon stays relevant.

Also…

When I asked those people if they were OK with me posting my cartoons on this blog they said it was fine, but requested that I delay posting a cartoon for 24 hours after I send it to them. Basically – just in case one of you decides to start his or her own newspaper and I’d strongly advise against that – they want a day’s head start on publishing cartoons.

Fair enough.

Yesterday morning I drew the cartoon at the top of this post and it was based on two news events:

1. North Korea using balloons to float bags of garbage and shit over South Korea (and you gotta wonder just how hammered Kim Jung Un was when he came up with this idea because it sounds like a late-night fraternity prank) and…

2. Donald Trump’s habit of using social media to insult people and procedures (like getting convicted of a bunch of felonies) he doesn’t like.

Unfortunately, I didn’t hear about those convictions until late afternoon yesterday, so I had to junk the cartoon you just looked at and draw a new one (which you’ll eventually see on this blog, but I have to wait at least 24 hours before posting it) all of which was highly inconvenient for me personally because I was an hour and twenty minutes into watching Oliver Stone’s Alexander (I’ve got an hour to go) and I’m on the edge of my seat because I still don’t know why Val Kilmer chose to play Phillip of Macedonia with an Irish accent and Angelina Jolie played Queen Olympias with a Russian accent, although their accents wandered in and out like poop-bearing balloons in a high wind.

Also…

I really hate snakes possibly because I grew up in the Sierra Nevada foothills which is a big vacation spot for rattlesnakes and one would occasionally scare the living shit out of me by showing up on our back porch or driveway and Angelina is cuddling with serpents throughout Alexander so I looked that up and found out Queen Olympias was a card-carrying member of the “snake-worshipping cult of Dionysus” and it’s been suggested Olympias slept with snakes in her bed, a situation a number of women with shitty boyfriends can relate to.

And speaking of sleeping with snakes and shitty relationships…

I drew the cartoon you just looked at after reading a CNN story about Melania Trump not showing up to show her support for Donald during his Hush Money Trial.

Which is what’s it being called by the media, but that’s actually inaccurate because you can bang a porn star and give her money to not talk about it (let me know how that goes for you) and not violate any laws because none of that’s illegal.

What is illegal is falsifying business records to conceal what you did because you think it will hurt your chances of getting elected president and the prosecutors claimed the hush money bribe was just one part of a scheme to buy off people with damaging information about Trump, which violated campaign finance and tax laws.

I totally don’t get the hush money bribe because it’s practically an Oval Office Tradition to have sex with women who don’t technically qualify as “First Ladies” a tradition which has pissed off a significant percentage of First Ladies. (Also, Second and Third Ladies if you’re talking about Trump’s marital track record.)

So Melania didn’t show up for the trial and also declined to perform a karaoke version of “Stand By Your Man” for the assembled media which is an idea I just made up, but I’m guessing Donald Trump and His Minions wish they’d thought of it and at least asked Melania about the possibility because if she’s stayed married to this clown for 19 years she might be willing to do anything. 

On the other hand, it would appear Melania wasn’t all that thrilled with Donald before the trial ever started and if you want evidence, Google “Melania refuses to hold Donald Trump’s hand” and you’ll eventually be led to this video:

And this video:

And this video:

But Ivanka Trump hasn’t shown up at the trial either and has said she won’t be part of the 2024 campaign because she recently discovered she has a family and wants to focus on them.

Make of that what you will, but one story I read suggested that she and the remarkably life-like android she married have been getting the cold shoulder at social functions because of her father’s hijinks and might have avoided the trial because she didn’t want to make things worse for herself and her T-1000 (totally unnecessary Terminator joke) at the next country club brunch.

An Israeli air strike in the southern Gaza city of Rafah mistakenly set fire to a camp of displaced Palestinians and killed at least 45 people. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said it was a “tragic mistake” and I expressed the opinion that it wasn’t the only tragic mistake Israel has made.

Just to clarify: generally speaking I support Israel’s right to go after Hamas, but Netanyahu’s belligerence and military tactics have turned a lot of former allies into critics.

When Nikki Haley was still running for president she accused Donald Trump of causing chaos and being too old to be president and called him “unhinged,” “mentally unfit” and “unqualified” to be in the White House and also said Trump couldn’t beat Joe Biden, threw too many temper tantrums and added: “I feel no need to kiss the ring.”

Apparently because she planned on kissing his ass instead.

As you may have already heard Haley announced she planned to vote for the “unqualified” Trump, which is what inspired the cartoon you just looked at.

After her endorsement, Trump – who mocked Nikki’s birth name (Nimarata Nikki Randhawa) and said “she doesn’t have what it takes” and called her a “birdbrain” – recently said Nikki would be part of his team when American Voters give him permission to start the Fourth Reich.

Now here’s a quote from Trump about Haley: "Well, I think she's gonna be on our team because we have a lot of the same ideas, the same thoughts.”

One of the reasons we hold politicians in such low regard is their willingness to change sides or positions whenever it’s in their best interest to do so.

We can make fun of that tendency all we want, but our history suggests that while we say how much we like honesty and people who stick to their guns, in reality most of us prefer “political fuck weasels” (patent pending) and if you don’t believe me, just ask Liz Cheney.

Cheney stood up to Trump and as a reward for showing political courage and being honest, she was censured by her own party and lost renomination when she got beat in a primary by a Trump-endorsed hand puppet.

Now here’s a Nation article entitled The Soulless Hypocrisy of Nikki Haley and it’s every bit as negative as it sounds like it would be and offers a comparison between Cheney – who put her country before her career – and Haley who would vote for Jeffrey Dahmer if she thought it would advance her career:

https://www.thenation.com/article/politics/nikki-haley-voting-for-trump/

And I’m just now realizing I should have been way more negative about Nikki Haley.

OK, that’s it for today, but fairly soon (meaning after I finish watching Alexander) I’ll post the Trump cartoon I drew after his convictions were announced, along with a fairly depressing essay about why I don’t think those convictions are going to matter all that much.

So now you’ve got that to look forward to.

http://kingfeatures.com/comics/editorial-cartoons-a-z/