The Midas Touch
Quick question: is a cartoon profane if I never use a profanity, but make you think of one and if you think of one, aren’t you partly to blame?
(OK, that was actually two questions, but we’re never going to get anywhere if you keep being so picky.)
Today’s first cartoon is what those of us in the cartoon business call an “evergreen,” meaning we can draw it today or a month from today or maybe even a year from today and it will still work.
When you get a good evergreen you might want to sit on it and wait for one of those days when nothing happens or lots happens and you have nothing to say about it, but it is possible to wait too long (which I’ve learned to my regret) and the evergreen expiration date expires.
If I recall correctly (and I often don’t) I’ve had this idea lounging around the cartoon waiting room since the second George W. Bush Administration, forgot about it, then remembered it and was finally inspired to use it by a story about the Trump Administration deciding that scientific grants should no longer be handed out based on merit; they want their political appointees to make funding decisions and the funding decisions would be based on how close the research project comes to promoting Trump’s agenda.
Which after all Trump’s other recent bullshit—screwing up the Lincoln Memorial, interfering in the World Cup, ruining the Fourth of July and holding mud wrestling competitions on the White House Lawn—made me think everything this guy touches turns to shit and now would be a good time to use the “Midas Touch” cartoon.
And if you’re asking yourself: “Wait, did that mud wresting thing really happen?”
The answer is: “Not yet, but give it time.”
Warning: The Next Cartoon is Politically Incorrect and If You Look At It After Being Warned and Get Upset, Whose Fault Is That?
I never actually use the word “shit” in that last cartoon, which gave me hope someone would print it, but this next idea has a word that—like Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band has gone in and out of style—so if you ignored my warning and most of you will, see what you think of it.
Trump wanted to establish an order that if Iran assassinates him, JD Vance would destroy Iran and this is just the latest in the long line of Trump ideas that isn’t constitutional.
In reality, if Trump were assassinated it would be up to JD Vance to decide what happens next. Which made me wonder if Trump were dead; is JD Vance such an brown-nosing, ass-kisser he’d keep trying to please a deceased Trump?
Trump’s idea was labeled a “Deadman’s Switch” (something that automatically happens or doesn’t happen in the event of someone dying) and I believe I came up with a more accurate description, although newspapers’ standards, while low, haven’t sunk quite this far…yet:
Some people find the “B” word offensive no matter the context and while I understand that position, if you were ever going to make an exception this would seem to be the time.
Feel free to disagree.
In 1970 Miles Davis had an album called Bitches Brew and in 1974 Elton John had a hit with a song called The Bitch is Back and we were all pretty much OK with that, although now that I think about it nobody thought Miles Davis would have made a good diplomat and we were doing a lot of shit in 1970s (wearing bell bottoms, platform shoes and men getting their permed immediately come to mind) that would be frowned on now.
In any case, the sketch you just looked at won’t appear any place but here, so depending on your point of view, you’re either really lucky or need to unsubscribe immediately.
We’ll now move on while you ponder your options.
Google “how many lawsuits are pending against Trump” and the answer is hundreds.
Apparently, if you get rich enough, you do whatever you feel like doing and let people sue you and turn those lawsuits over to your squads of lawyers and the squads of lawyers keep filing appeals until the 13th or 14th of Never (whichever comes first) and you wait for the person suing you to run out of money or die—preferably both.
If you get rich enough, you think the rules don’t apply to you and, as history has repeatedly shown us, you’re probably right.
Anyway…
As you may or may not remember: back in 2023 E. Jean Carroll was awarded $5 million after a jury found Donald Trump had sexually abused and defamed her, but Trump’s lawyers appealed the verdict and while that appeal went on, Trump had to put the $5 million he owed in a court-controlled fund.
In what was probably a huge shock to Trump, the Supreme Court let the verdict stand and that cleared the way for a judge to release the funds.
Trump’s lawyers immediately appealed that decision, but were denied an emergency order to block the release of funds and according to the following PBS article, E. Jean finally got her money although she’s still waiting on another $83 million she won from Trump in a separate defamation suit:
https://www.npr.org/2026/07/14/nx-s1-5893598/e-jean-carroll-trump-sexual-abuse-defamation
The cartoon was inspired by Trump trying to defend himself against charges of assaulting Carroll by claiming: “She’s not my type.”
This is E. Jean in 2006, a decade after the assault took place:
Trump also said Carroll made the accusations for political and financial gain and said he clearly couldn’t have sexually assaulted her because E. Jean just wasn’t attractive enough, which kinda makes it sound like sexual assault is an option for Trump if he thinks you’re really hot.
In any case, if E. Jean wasn’t Donald Trump’s type it made me wonder who might be his type and it would have to be a woman who didn’t mind a fat guy who spray paints himself orange and sports one of the world’s worst comb-overs.
In the above cartoon you can see what Trump type I came up with.
This cartoon was inspired by several news events: all the construction projects Trump has going on and the news that the War with Iran has picked up again and they’re once again closing the Strait of Hormuz.
So just like a maze: getting into that war was easy, getting out of that war is proving to be difficult.
My maternal grandfather was a mean, cheap, irritable bastard, but when he died some minister none of us had ever seen before gets up at his funeral and tells us all what a wonderful, generous, loving man my maternal grandfather was and one of us grandchildren (it might have been me…it certainly sounds like me) quietly asked:
“Did this guy ever meet him?”
Which got a pretty good laugh in the back row of the church.
Frankly, you don’t want me giving your eulogy because I disagree with the policy of pretending every dead person was a saint and just in case you missed it, here’s a link to all the horrible (and accurate) things I said about Rush Limbaugh when he died:
I Come To Bury Rush Limbaugh, Not Praise Him
I may not have had much to say about Rush Limbaugh’s death in the cartoon above, but here—where I share thoughts that might be best left unexpressed, but go ahead and share them anyway—I have a lot to say, so let’s get started.
I vehemently disagree with John Donne who wrote the moronic line: “Any man’s death diminishes me.”
Does that include Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin and the guy who thought up robocalls?
In any case: Lindsey Graham dies suddenly and tributes pour in and we seem to have forgotten that Lindsey originally opposed Donald Trump and warned he was dangerous and didn’t vote for Trump in 2016 and despite the fact that Trump insulted Lindsey’s “good friend” John McCain—before and after McCain’s death—Lindsey jumped on the Trump bandwagon once Trump beat Hillary Clinton.
OK, I get it: politicians are not to be trusted and switch sides whenever it benefits them, but Lindsey went way way way past that and started kissing Trump’s ass at every possible opportunity,
According to the Guardian here are a few choice things Lindsey said about Trump before Trump became president:
“He’s a race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot. He doesn’t represent my party.”
“I don’t think he has a clue about anything. He’s just trying to get his numbers up and get the biggest reaction he can.”
“He’s never served. Going to a military high school, Donald, is really not military service. You’ve never worn the uniform. You’ve never been on a forward operating base.”
“You know how you make America great again? Tell Donald Trump to go to hell.”
“He’s just generally a loser as a person and a candidate. You can’t nominate a nutjob and lose, and expect it doesn’t have consequences.”
“What I see is a demagogue, somebody that has solutions that will never work, that is playing on people’s prejudices and the dark side of politics.”
And what did Lindsey say after Trump’s election?
“I personally like him. We play golf. He’s very nice to me.”
Lindsey then went on to become a fanatical Trump supporter which is why, when I saw a story headlined: “Who can replace Lindsey Graham?” the ventriloquist’s dummy cartoon occurred to me.
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/jul/12/lindsey-graham-quotes-trump-iran
When it comes to the Afterlife I’m a Blood, Sweat & Tears guy—“Swear there ain’t no Heaven, pray there ain’t no Hell”—and while the versions of Heaven I’ve had described to me by my Pentecostal Christian mother sound unlikely (and incredibly boring) nobody, and that certainly includes me, knows for sure.
Which doesn’t stop me from using Heaven in cartoons, but you can say the same about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Anyway…
Political cartoonist Pat Oliphant died and I imagined all the dead presidents Pat ridiculed being concerned about Pat’s arrival—“Is he going to start up that cartooning shit again?”—and in my mind the most notable thing about this cartoon is while I could imagine Heaven (it looks a lot like a gated community) I couldn’t imagine Richard Nixon being there.
And face it, if I had generously (and erroneously) included Nixon you readers probably would have been distracted—“What’s Tricky Dicky doing in Heaven?”— so as usual it’s partially your fault and if you think I should have included Nixon, feel free to imagine he’s in Heaven, but didn’t show up for the group photo because he’s too busy bugging LBJ’s and Jimmy Carter’s condos.
(We will get condos, won’t we?)
Today’s Lesson
Before you use a word, make sure you check the latest issue of Politically Correct Monthly because the list of banned words changes all the time, E. Jean Carroll was way more attractive than Donald Trump at pretty much any point in their lives and when someone dies you don’t have to say nice things about them, but maybe you shouldn’t speak at their funeral.
Enjoy the weekend, baseball is starting up again.
I really like listening to people from the south; their voices always seem to have a soothing rhythm to them.
That's why I paid attention whenever Lindsey Graham was on the news; that and for a Republican he didn't ever seem hard core radical right.
Now that I find out he became a Trump ass licker, he can go to whatever and wherever hell may be.
Bless his heart though: I heard a southern woman on a radio program relate that you can say any mean and nasty thing you want about someone, so long as you preface it with "bless their heart."
Your comments about heaven remind me of a song lyric: "I'd go to heaven for the weather, hell for the company."
This was a laugh out loud piece, especially the description of you know who and a blind lady. I can't figure out the prez in the back of the bunch--Kennedy?